Thursday, March 29, 2012

Hardest Thing - Check

What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

Writing this.

No seriously. I have started this blog about 15 times already and after debating about what experience to share I decided that this is my personal experience. It may be boring. You may think it is stupid. But this experience for me was very difficult and trying. Some of my darkest days spiritually came from this experience.

Adam and I had only been married for a few months before I got the baby itch. We had always agreed 3-5 years before having a baby. However, once that itch kicked in it was no backing down. Babies everywhere seemed to stare at me. Smile at me. Coo at me. Reach for me. I could not go anywhere without feeling this desire to have a baby sink deeper and deeper inside of my heart.

After several long discussions, Adam and I both agreed that it was just not the time. Adam was working two jobs and was hardly around. I was in school. Logically I knew.

Over time I saw my friends lose babies that I thought would be fabulous parents while other people that I knew did not want to have babies and they were pregnant.

I cried out to God, crying for my friends and for the injustice that I felt was taking place. I cried out to Him for my own heart’s cry to have a baby.

I felt far from Him.

I was never upset with Adam – only God.

After a couple of years Adam finally agreed to give me a date that we could start trying. It was still a year away, but it was hope. It was what I needed.

I still had days of struggle with God because I knew that He was bigger than all of our plans and could give me a baby.

Finally the day came.

And went.

Month after month I began to fret and worry. What is wrong with me?

Everyone I knew got pregnant quick.

Not us.

Months went by.

For someone who wants a baby – these months drag.

Late periods brought false hope.

More crying out to God.

I finally had all I could take when one more month came with another late period. I fell to my knees in submission. “OK GOD! I desire to have a baby. To carry it in my womb. To have it look like Adam and me. BUT  if that is not what you have for us, if you want us to adopt, I am at peace with that.”

That was the hardest conversation I have ever had with God. Surrendering my hopes and dreams and asking for His.

My Papa and Grandma came to visit a few weeks after this conversation. My Papa asked me if there was anything that he and Grandma could pray with me about and I shared with them my frustration and struggles.
After sharing with them, my Papa and Grandma prayed with me and my Papa anointed me with oil.

If you know me at all, you know that God eventually gave me two beautiful girls and I praise Him for both of my girls every day.

Through this experience God has taught me so much. Trust. Patience. Dependence. Perfect timing.

I praise Him that His timing is perfect and that He knows what we need better than we do. Sometimes it is hard to see the big picture and be ok with the things He is doing, but once everything falls into place we can catch a glimpse of the beautiful things He has for us.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing Krista! I experienced something similar...wanting nothing more than children and to care for them...waiting on God's timing...waiting for the "green light"....waiting! It's always good to know that you're not alone in your struggles! :) Thanks for your vulnerability and willingness to share your heart. You're one amazing woman and I feel blessed to call you a friend.



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