Thursday, January 31, 2013

Lack of Faith

This is going to be a brutally honest post. I am not sure if I will post it or not. More depth than I usually allow myself to share.

Nonetheless. I feel like I should write.

These last few months I have found myself questioning things that I never thought I would question.

My own faith in God.

For a few weeks I wrestled with the question of whether or not God is even real. Coming to terms with the fact that in no way is this even a true question for me. God is real. Questioning His existence makes no logical sense to me. Especially when I sit out on a boat in the middle of the lake and see the beauty all around me. Or watch the sunset over the tree line in a magnificent arrangement of colors. Or hold my girls and listen to their giggles. When I hear my sweet Charlotte's heartbeat. All of these things point to God.

So what am I really deep down struggling with... I guess it is more like I feel like God doesn't care about me. He doesn't care about my hurts and my struggles. He is silent when I need Him most. I am hanging from my last thread, calling out. Crying from my depths for Him to hear me.

I have poured out my heart on others' behalf, hoping that He would hear and respond. Give me a sign that I matter. That my own prayers matter.

It reminds me of this song by Barlow Girl called "I Believe in Love".

"I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe"

I want to say that I can continue with the next verse and mean every word.

"Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night"

But I am not there yet.

I am a mess. Stung by life. Not able to handle more.

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