Wednesday, September 16, 2015

God Used You

Recently Adam and I shared our stories with our church family. Adam posted our "script" over on his blog if you missed it and want to check it out. For the life of me, I could not decide whether I wanted to share about my miscarriage or not. It felt too raw. Even up until the morning of, I was trying to decide. I had written out what I was going to say. It didn't feel like enough. But in light of what we were talking about, it didn't seem right to add more.

So, maybe this is a better place to put down what I wish I could have said. What I wish could have been summed up in that tiny paragraph.

This past year has been a complete turn around for me.

I wrote a couple of very raw posts that never saw the light on facebook. I only made myself vulnerable to those that are my true followers. (Shout out to the 7 of you that I know are reading.) You can find those by searching by the "miscarriage" label if you are super curious. But the point of this post isn't about where I was as much as where I am now and the process that I went through to get here.

During the last 2 (almost 3! Wow!) years, I questioned everything I had ever been taught about God. Even His existence. I consider this my darkest time. My most alone time. I wanted very much for God to rescue me and make it all better. I didn't want to grieve. I didn't want to think about it. But that never happened. I was forced to face the fact that my baby was not going to have a breath here on earth and that God was the One that allowed this to happen. I had no desire to seek God out.

So He sought me. And He used you to do it.

It started right away.

I had a friend drop of a special gift and literally hug and cry with me. My birthday was 2 weeks after I lost the baby and several of my closest friends took time off to go away with me to celebrate. One friend brought me meals for my freezer and gave me books that helped her through her time of loss. (Seriously yall, I did not want to get up some days. Those meals were great!) Several friends were willing to let me talk through the most painful times and not once did they try to offer advice or pretend to know what I was going through. Several of you shared your stories with me to encourage me and let me know that I am not alone. One friend sent me a sweet ribbon in memory of my baby. Others have sent cards, texts, and emails to let me know that they haven't forgotten about my sweet baby.

During this time, I had a very special conversation that I really consider the place that my heart started to let down the wall I had put up with God.  I had asked someone special to me how to move forward. I felt so stuck. I wanted to cry and miss my baby, but I also wanted to have joy because of the new life that I was carrying at the time. And was it ok that I wanted to do both? And in the mean time, did God really love me? Me. Specifically. And how. I wanted to feel His love in a tangible way. At the time, I listened and gleaned the wisdom imparted to me. All while sobbing through my sandwich. (This whole conversation took place at lunch at a homeschool convention.) As I look back, I have no doubt that even that conversation was God telling me that He loved me which is ironic since that was one of the things I was asking about.

Another friend shared with me how she realized that her children are simply on loan to her from God. That He knows how much time that they have on this earth and while she doesn't know how long that is, she surrenders her children to Him. What an amazing testimony?!

One other way God spoke to me was through music. One of my closest friends had said to me that she thought music was going to bring me healing. I laughed at her at the time. But after that it seemed like I kept finding songs that held how I felt. Here are a few of the ones that helped me through that time.

The first one was Give Me Faith. I shared about that one here.

Shortly after that I found these two songs by Plumb. I Need You Now and I Want You Here.

Draw me Nearer by Meredith Andrews

My favorite one of all of them is What I Know by Tricia because I found it when I really had no doubt that if I hung on to what I know then I would one day feel His presence again.

God used you guys to draw me back to Him! I thank Him for all of you!

Today I was in a Bible study where I was reminded of how God wants a relationship with me. He desires a deep intimate relationship with me. And when I sat there and thought about how I wanted that with Him, I realized that my heart had changed. I'm not sure specifically when my heart changed. I definitely see times that I was trying to change. But today I know my heart is in a good place. I no longer feel angry or bitter. Or wounded. But at peace.

That's not to say I don't grieve my baby. My baby would have turned 2 in August. It makes me sad to think about missed days. Missed firsts. Missed lasts. Boo-boos to kiss. Fingers to count.

It is to say, though, that God has walked me through the dark valley and I am finally once again walking where I feel Him walking with me and know that He does love me and care for me. And I don't think I would be in this place if it wasn't for all of you. Thank you.

I LOVE my house

Have you ever lived in a house that just truly felt like home?
I have lived in a lot of places. 25 to be exact. And that only counts 1 of my many dorm rooms.

Most of the time I would agree that "home is where the heart is", but in my current house I would have to say, "home is where the heart is and also where I reside".

I love my house. And let me tell you why.

And while we are at it... let me give you the tour.

When you enter my house you are welcomed by a big open space. I wasn't thrilled with the stairs being the first thing you see when you walk inside, but after living here for 2 years, I love that it is just wide open.

The dining room is also right at the entrance. It's large and holds our huge table and there is also space for my dish cabinet for my dishes from my Mema and Pepa. 

One of my favorite "areas" of the house is my kitchen and living room area. Everything about this area makes me want to sit down with some coffee and a book. Maybe even get a fire going. This is the space that I put a lot of time into decorating and choosing colors. My kitchen is amazing to cook and bake in because of the counter space. There is plenty of space for me to spread out and if the girls want to help, it is not too crowded.  It will be the most difficult space for me to leave.

Our old house was really nice for the time we were there, but one of the things I hated about it was how loud it was when the girls were playing. Now they have their own space upstairs and so even though I don't use that space for myself, I love every inch of it. 

My favorite space in the whole house, besides the living area, is my master suite. My room is way too big for just a bedroom so it is also my work-out room and my craft room. And my bathroom has the best acoustics. I have my own sink which may seem silly to some people, but I love having my own sink. And my closet. Ya'll my closet is amazing. Yes. My master suite is my hideaway.

While the basement is not my favorite space in the house, I have used it on occasion. Adam would live down there if I would let him since it is his space. It's a nice area, I just prefer my living room. 

As we embark on the next chapter of our lives, I hope that I can love my next house as much as I love this one. And that whoever buys my house, loves it as much as I have.

If only we could move this house to 5 acres.

Lots of wonderful memories made here.

Here is the link for our listing.
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