Saturday, December 29, 2012

6 Weeks Pregnant

Today I would have been 6 weeks pregnant. Today I lost my baby.

Did you know that at 5 weeks the baby's heart starts beating and pumping blood? (and yet some people choose to kill their baby after this!)

No words could express to you the deep amount of heartache that I feel right now.

Only tears.

For the last 10 months I have been praying for this baby. Begging God for one more little baby to make our family complete.

For the last 8 days, I have been dreaming about whether it would be a boy or a girl. Settling in my mind what it's name would be for each gender. Picturing myself holding the baby. Talking to him or her. Praying.
Coming up with unique ways to tell family and friends.

Thankfully, we had only told Adam's family.

Wednesday I went to a normal first Dr appt to get a due date, pee in a cup, and get the most updated info on nutrition and the hospital guidelines. The urine test came back negative so the nurse had me get some blood work drawn to double check. I chalked it up to my urine being so diluted, but cried the whole way back to picking up the girls. After a couple of hours I took another test that I had at home and it said that I was pregnant. Yesterday the Dr called to tell me that the blood HCG was positive and wanted me to test again today to make sure my levels were rising. After having the blood drawn, I started spotting. When the Dr called, she simply confirmed that this pregnancy was not going to last.

On Christmas Eve we were going to tell my family. I sewed an extra little pair of pajama pants and was going to act surprised by the final package under the tree and have my Momma open them.

At this very moment I am consumed by my tears of heartache and loss. My soul cries out. I am filled with anguish. Crying helps I think. Maybe because it captures all of the emotion I am feeling all at once and releases it.

I wrote all of that yesterday in a moment of much needed processing. So if it is jumbled and hard to understand, I don't really care. It is for myself that I wrote these things. To remember. To not forget. I love that baby. I want that baby. I prayed for that baby. Just as much as I do and did for my girls.

Last night my husband won an award in my mind. One that I tease him about not having. Last night he showed me compassion. He held me for a very long time and just let me cry. He rubbed my back and simply listened to my sobbing. Thanks Adam for that. It was what I needed. I am sure I will probably need it again.

Kaylee asked me last night why I lost the baby. I am not sure. I asked Adam the same question in my blubbering.

But today. I cling to the promise that God heals the brokenhearted. A Facebook friend posted Psalm 147:3 this morning on his status. It says, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18


  1. Krista, thank you so much for being so open and transparent. Reading this brought back a rush of pain that I don't think will ever go away. My heart is breaking for you and I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. One thing that kept me hanging on during my miscarriage was knowing that I will get to hold him/her in my arms in heaven one day. But for now he/she is in the arms of Jesus! I'm praying for you, friend!

  2. I admire you for posting this. It takes great courage & strength. I love you. I miss you. I look forward to hearing more about this...

  3. Krista, I'm so, so sorry for your loss--and that I just found out because I've been away from blogs over the holidays. I will be praying for you!

  4. Super Bowl Sunday, 1999. Scott and I traveled to his parents for a day with the family (we usually did this as we were much closer geographically then), but we did so knowing something was very wrong with the child I carried within. I spent the day "relaxing" in the recliner, but we knew. We knew.

    The pain is so tremendous knowing how excited you are in those first weeks ~ planning out how you'll be telling your parents and family members ~ thinking of how they'll grow and the joy of loving them and parenting them in the Kingdom of Christ. A wise man you call Grandpa once said to me, "out of your greatest pain will come your greatest ministry." I don't know that this is the greatest pain you've had in your life, but it is a tremendous pain that will crawl back every time you read of a loved one's own experience with it.

    I am so very sorry for your loss, Krista. I do know there are many cousins in Heaven playing together and waiting for us...but as we wait we grieve, and we comfort each other in knowing there is always hope...and pain and friends & family who will walk through all of it with you. Much love and hugs and prayers to your family...Love you!


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