God Used You

Recently Adam and I shared our stories with our church family. Adam posted our "script" over on his blog if you missed it and want to check it out. For the life of me, I could not decide whether I wanted to share about my miscarriage or not. It felt too raw. Even up until the morning of, I was trying to decide. I had written out what I was going to say. It didn't feel like enough. But in light of what we were talking about, it didn't seem right to add more.

So, maybe this is a better place to put down what I wish I could have said. What I wish could have been summed up in that tiny paragraph.

This past year has been a complete turn around for me.

I wrote a couple of very raw posts that never saw the light on facebook. I only made myself vulnerable to those that are my true followers. (Shout out to the 7 of you that I know are reading.) You can find those by searching by the "miscarriage" label if you are super curious. But the point of this post isn't about where I was as much as where I am now and the process that I went through to get here.

During the last 2 (almost 3! Wow!) years, I questioned everything I had ever been taught about God. Even His existence. I consider this my darkest time. My most alone time. I wanted very much for God to rescue me and make it all better. I didn't want to grieve. I didn't want to think about it. But that never happened. I was forced to face the fact that my baby was not going to have a breath here on earth and that God was the One that allowed this to happen. I had no desire to seek God out.

So He sought me. And He used you to do it.

It started right away.

I had a friend drop of a special gift and literally hug and cry with me. My birthday was 2 weeks after I lost the baby and several of my closest friends took time off to go away with me to celebrate. One friend brought me meals for my freezer and gave me books that helped her through her time of loss. (Seriously yall, I did not want to get up some days. Those meals were great!) Several friends were willing to let me talk through the most painful times and not once did they try to offer advice or pretend to know what I was going through. Several of you shared your stories with me to encourage me and let me know that I am not alone. One friend sent me a sweet ribbon in memory of my baby. Others have sent cards, texts, and emails to let me know that they haven't forgotten about my sweet baby.

During this time, I had a very special conversation that I really consider the place that my heart started to let down the wall I had put up with God.  I had asked someone special to me how to move forward. I felt so stuck. I wanted to cry and miss my baby, but I also wanted to have joy because of the new life that I was carrying at the time. And was it ok that I wanted to do both? And in the mean time, did God really love me? Me. Specifically. And how. I wanted to feel His love in a tangible way. At the time, I listened and gleaned the wisdom imparted to me. All while sobbing through my sandwich. (This whole conversation took place at lunch at a homeschool convention.) As I look back, I have no doubt that even that conversation was God telling me that He loved me which is ironic since that was one of the things I was asking about.

Another friend shared with me how she realized that her children are simply on loan to her from God. That He knows how much time that they have on this earth and while she doesn't know how long that is, she surrenders her children to Him. What an amazing testimony?!

One other way God spoke to me was through music. One of my closest friends had said to me that she thought music was going to bring me healing. I laughed at her at the time. But after that it seemed like I kept finding songs that held how I felt. Here are a few of the ones that helped me through that time.

The first one was Give Me Faith. I shared about that one here.

Shortly after that I found these two songs by Plumb. I Need You Now and I Want You Here.

Draw me Nearer by Meredith Andrews

My favorite one of all of them is What I Know by Tricia because I found it when I really had no doubt that if I hung on to what I know then I would one day feel His presence again.

God used you guys to draw me back to Him! I thank Him for all of you!

Today I was in a Bible study where I was reminded of how God wants a relationship with me. He desires a deep intimate relationship with me. And when I sat there and thought about how I wanted that with Him, I realized that my heart had changed. I'm not sure specifically when my heart changed. I definitely see times that I was trying to change. But today I know my heart is in a good place. I no longer feel angry or bitter. Or wounded. But at peace.

That's not to say I don't grieve my baby. My baby would have turned 2 in August. It makes me sad to think about missed days. Missed firsts. Missed lasts. Boo-boos to kiss. Fingers to count.

It is to say, though, that God has walked me through the dark valley and I am finally once again walking where I feel Him walking with me and know that He does love me and care for me. And I don't think I would be in this place if it wasn't for all of you. Thank you.

Do you run?

Up until about 2 months ago, my answer to this question would have been, "Of course I run. Every time someone rings my doorbell and I am still in my pajamas, I run to hide or put normal clothes on."

I have always hated running and the idea of running. I am sure at some point in my life someone must have laughed or teased me about it because one of the main reasons I hated it is because I felt like I looked ridiculous doing it. I am also pretty slow. And for someone as competitive as me, I hated it when we would have races in elementary school P.E. class.

There you have it. My history. I am not a runner. And have always hated running.

Enter in my brother.

When I went to visit he and Rachel in October, I was challenged to do more about the lifestyle of laziness that I had chosen for myself. Some would argue that I was still in the first year post baby and that I have plenty of time to worry about that later, but it really had nothing to do with the sweet little girl I was chasing around and everything to do with my own struggle with sin.

I just want to sit around and eat sweets and never get off of the couch.

Sounds pretty lame when you just type it out for the world to see, and honestly I have never verbally said those words, but that is the underlying thought.

So, back to the story. Michael and I were discussing laziness and then jokingly I said, "Maybe we should run a 5k together." Michael was supposed to laugh and say something snarky, but instead said something to the effect of, "yeah, that is a great idea."

Somehow my friend Annie got wind of this semi-decision, and sent me a link to a 5k that was about donuts. This girl knows the way to my motivate me. Donuts. I registered before I changed my mind.

Today, I ran that 5k.

I ran today to prove to myself that I can get off the couch and don't have to be the lazy girl that I don't want to be. And I highly recommend the cto5k app. 8 weeks ago, I couldn't run for 60 seconds without feeling like I could die. Today I ran 3 miles in 35 minutes and 30 seconds only slowing down for donuts of course. If I can do it, you can do it!

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Finish

Back From Colorado

We just got back from the longest drive we have ever taken our girls on. While Google says the trip to Pueblo should take about 17 hours, it took us more like 20.

On our way out, we stopped to visit with Adam's coach/dean of men from Vennard. Adam and I always enjoyed he and his wife's company when we were at school and since we were passing through there town, we called them up. It was such a great little visit.

We finally made it to Michael and Rachel's just in time to see Michael at his store and then go back to their house to put the girls to bed for the night. Then, Michael and I went over to church and practiced for Sunday.

The week flew by as each day had something fun.

We hung out with Rachel's family. (The girls made a craft with Rachel and her mom, June.)

We had Christmas together. 

We toured Pueblo.

We visited Focus on the Family's Whit's End and Adventures in Odyssey exhibit.

We drove through the garden of the gods.

We rode the cog-rail up to Pike's Peak. (Although, we couldn't go all the way to the top because the snow plow was broken and there was snow on the tracks.)

We met up with college friend's Derrick and Renee and their family for dinner. It was nice to catch up and hear what they are up to!

We picnic'd at Uplift Mountain and watched Adam do some of the obstacle course. (I was going to post the videos, but my phone is taking too long to upload them.)

We walked around Bishop's Castle.

We relaxed. 

We took some fun pictures.

It was a fun-filled week visiting with Michael and Rachel. 

On the way home, we stopped in Missouri and saw some more friends. We played some Cash and Guns and talked about life. (This seriously was one turn. Do you see how many guns were pointed at me?)

We drove the last 6 hours and arrived home with plenty of time to unpack and do laundry. :)
It was great to get away, see family and friends, and be rejuvenated.

The Last 4 Weeks

It has been a fabulous 4 weeks.  Today has been hard because not only is life back to normal, but I woke up with a terrible head cold. My main reason for writing today though is to catch you up on what has been going on here.

About 6 weeks ago Adam found out that he was heading to St Louis for work the week before Thanksgiving so we headed there with him to see my parents before they jump into bell ringing season.

It was such a great visit. My Dad has mono and while I feel bad for him, I was glad to get some extra time with him since usually he stays super busy during our visits. The girls loved seeing their Papa and Nana. Kaylee helped Nana decorate the Christmas tree.

We had Christmas together while we were there and Mom and Dad got Kaylee Rapunzel from her favorite "Princess Movie". It also came with a matching dress. She loves that doll!

After our wonderful visit with my parents, we went home to do laundry and re-pack to head to Minnesota for Thanksgiving. First stop was Adam's Aunt and Uncle's house. We had a great visit with them and then headed further north to visit our best friends Meggan and Trevor. Kaylee and Addison were fast friends.

We did a lot of relaxing and playing and dancing and laughing! The boys gave us some time off and we did the same for them. We had such a great visit and it made me wonder why we live so far away from one another.

After our few days with the Schwirtz's we started making our journey home by spending a night with our great friends Casey and Daniel. We spent the evening eating this amazing soup that Casey made and playing some Tichu. Adam and I won and I am pretty certain this is the first time we have ever won as a team.

We got home at about 8 pm from our trip and so I unpacked, cleaned, and got the girls into bed while Adam took his Grandma home. (She had ridden with us to Minnesota to spend Thanksgiving with Adam's Aunt and Uncle. - She is brave for traveling with us.) The very next morning I ran to get groceries because our awesome friends Kim and Chris were coming to visit for a night. 

Ella had a ton of fun with Brayden. She really wanted to keep up with him as he was crawling everywhere leaving her in the dust.

We played lots of games in their one night stay. I was so glad they came to visit!

The morning the Hoch's left was a pretty somber event for me because I knew life was going to slow down and get back to normal. I decided to take a 3 hour nap to delay the inevitable. Good thing I did! That evening my brother Michael and his wife Rachel showed up for a week long stay. 

We went shopping, took pictures, played games, ate great food, and sang lots! I was extremely grateful that they flew out to visit! We recorded two songs while we were together. You can find them here and here.

These last four weeks have been such a huge blessing and makes me ever so grateful as we go into this Christmas season. Thanks to all of you for allowing us to be a part of your lives! We love you and miss you already!