Nightmare

This morning I woke up to my name being yelled out by one of my girls. Now, let me start by saying that this is not the way to wake me up and my girls know it. If they are barfing, then they can holler. But if they have a bad dream or are scared about something, they are to come in and talk to me. That's the wake up in the middle of the night routine. So, all of that to say, I woke up pretty growly.

Ferociously, I enter Ella's room grumpily asking her why she is yelling across the house. She immediately responded with crying. (I know, mother of the year over here.) I took a deep breath and calmly asked her why she was yelling for me and why she was crying.

She then tells me that she had a terrible nightmare; a tornado came through our house and I died.

Now, the interesting thing about all of this, is that she doesn't know that my mom had a pet scan yesterday to check out a mass they found on a CT scan last week and I had spent the better part of yesterday praying that God would heal the mass and make it disappear or that it would be anything easily remedied and not more cancer. But ultimately, His will be done.

I looked her in the eyes and I said, "Ella, if that happened, two things would take place that I am certain of. One is that God would bring people to you to love on you and take care of you. People would come and hold you and tell you it will be ok. He will send them and they will be here in every way that you need them. And two I would be in Heaven with Jesus and since you believe in Jesus, I would see you again someday."

We talked a few more minutes through tears about the joy of eternity and then I went on to say the same things from my perspective.

"My mom is dying. When she does die, whether soon or ten years from now, I am certain that God will provide for me during my grief and that I will see her again some day. My mom has a personal relationship with God. She knows that Jesus died for her sins and that He rose again. She loves Him and serves Him with every fiber of her being and I am certain that when her time comes she will be in heaven with our Lord and Savior. She will no longer be in pain. She will no longer be suffering. And when that time comes, that will bring my heart joy in the midst of tragedy."

As I crawled back into my bed and contemplated this timely conversation with Ella, sleep eluded me. All the what if's started to plague my thoughts. I replayed my conversation with Ella and was at peace with what is to come. I prayed for a while and thought about the words to the song "It is Well" by Bethel music until sleep finally came.

Even When It Hurts

Faith has been on my mind again today.

My best friend sent me a text that said, "I will keep praying for healing."

And there it was.

"Do you believe that I can heal your Momma this side of Heaven?"

I was just this morning praising God for His being the Healer and the Great Physician.

I think it comes down to this. I do believe He can heal her. I am just not sure it will be on earth.

Maybe it is the prepared part of me. The part that likes to know what is coming. The part that cannot mentally or emotionally handle my Momma dying. It's the same reason I needed to know before giving birth that I was having girl after girl. I need time to process. Praise the Lord that in this case, I have time.

But does my preparedness mean that my faith is inadequate? It's just so complex.

I struggle with the balance. Believing and trusting. Processing. Still believing. Actively believing.

The Almighty God be glorified. No matter what.

         Psalm 69

1 

Save me, O God,

    for the waters have come up to my neck.

2 

I sink in the miry depths,

    where there is no foothold.

I have come into the deep waters;

    the floods engulf me.

3 

I am worn out calling for help;

    my throat is parched.

My eyes fail,

    looking for my God.

4 

Those who hate me without reason

    outnumber the hairs of my head;

many are my enemies without cause,

    those who seek to destroy me.

I am forced to restore

    what I did not steal.

5 

You, God, know my folly;

    my guilt is not hidden from you.

6 

Lord, the Lord Almighty,

    may those who hope in you

    not be disgraced because of me;

God of Israel,

    may those who seek you

    not be put to shame because of me.

7 

For I endure scorn for your sake,

    and shame covers my face.

8 

I am a foreigner to my own family,

    a stranger to my own mother’s children;

9 

for zeal for your house consumes me,

    and the insults of those who insult you fall on me.

10 

When I weep and fast,

    I must endure scorn;

11 

when I put on sackcloth,

    people make sport of me.

12 

Those who sit at the gate mock me,

    and I am the song of the drunkards.

13 

But I pray to you, Lord,

    in the time of your favor;

in your great love, O God,

    answer me with your sure salvation.

14 

Rescue me from the mire,

    do not let me sink;

deliver me from those who hate me,

    from the deep waters.

15 

Do not let the floodwaters engulf me

    or the depths swallow me up

    or the pit close its mouth over me.

16 

Answer me, Lord, out of the goodness of your love;

    in your great mercy turn to me.

17 

Do not hide your face from your servant;

    answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.

18 

Come near and rescue me;

    deliver me because of my foes.

19 

You know how I am scorned, disgraced and shamed;

    all my enemies are before you.

20 

Scorn has broken my heart

    and has left me helpless;

I looked for sympathy, but there was none,

    for comforters, but I found none.

21 

They put gall in my food

    and gave me vinegar for my thirst.

22 

May the table set before them become a snare;

    may it become retribution and[b] a trap.

23 

May their eyes be darkened so they cannot see,

    and their backs be bent forever.

24 

Pour out your wrath on them;

    let your fierce anger overtake them.

25 

May their place be deserted;

    let there be no one to dwell in their tents.

26 

For they persecute those you wound

    and talk about the pain of those you hurt.

27 

Charge them with crime upon crime;

    do not let them share in your salvation.

28 

May they be blotted out of the book of life

    and not be listed with the righteous.

29 

But as for me, afflicted and in pain—

    may your salvation, God, protect me.

30 

I will praise God’s name in song

    and glorify him with thanksgiving.

31 

This will please the Lord more than an ox,

    more than a bull with its horns and hooves.

32 

The poor will see and be glad—

    you who seek God, may your hearts live!

33 

The Lord hears the needy

    and does not despise his captive people.

34 

Let heaven and earth praise him,

    the seas and all that move in them,

35 

for God will save Zion

    and rebuild the cities of Judah.

Then people will settle there and possess it;

36 

    the children of his servants will inherit it,

    and those who love his name will dwell there.

Faith In Turbulent Times

These past 4 weeks we have been doing a Bible study on faith during turbulent times. I feel as though I learned so much. It felt good to be back in the word, digging into what is meant.

It feels good to see my faith where it is now. To be going through this stuff with my parents and to truly rely on God. Especially looking back to the last few years. Seeing where I was. Deeply wounded and hurt and out of desperation seeking God and questioning His very existence.  To now. Once again feeling loss and heartache with my Momma's diagnosis. Only now, I rely on His existence. The hope He offers me. It doesn't change the anguish that I feel over knowing that my time with my Momma is precious. But this life here is not my eternal home. It's temporary. Praise the Lord.

This study was such a great reminder to me that God is with me. He was with me back in October and November when we found out the cancer had returned. He is with me even now as I tear up and write this. He is with me in the future when our time together here does end.

It also reminded me that my eyes should be focused on Jesus. By fixing my eyes on Him I am able to endure and persevere no matter what my circumstances are.

And faith isn't just believing. It involves action. It's actively believing. It's the inward assurance of what we hope for and the outward action in response to what we do not see. Faith is confidently expecting our Heavenly Father to do what He promised.

John 16:33 is the promise I cling to.

It says,  “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

What great encouragement! He has overcome the world.

Healthy Living, Cancer, Scentsy, Grandma, Garages, Birthdays, Sports, Games and Diapers

I don't know how things are going for you, but life here seems busier than ever.

The other day I was thinking about how much I miss all of you. Thoughts of what to tell you run through my mind, but making time to sit down and share them has not been an option until today.

So, get your cup of coffee, find a comfy spot on the couch and let's catch up.

If you follow me on facebook at all, you may have seen that I recently started selling Scentsy. For those of you that have no clue what Scentsy is, it is a home fragrance line. We have everything from wax warmers to dish soap. In Septemberish of last year I had attended a party and learned of Scentsy. I had been using some plug-ins to make my house smell good for a while and was getting frustrated because the one scent that I liked, I could only find at Kroger occasionally. So, when I found several fragrances from Scentsy, I had to switch! In February, I decided to join the Scentsy team. It's been super fun so far. I have been extremely happy with the products as well as the customer support. Here is my website if you want to check it out.

Join me!

Through Scentsy, I found my healthy living motivation. Pretty much since August I have struggled once again with eating right and being active. Laziness is definitely a sin issue for me that I know the Lord is constantly chiseling away at. Molding and growing. In January, along with everyone else in the world, I made resolutions to get back at it and have failed miserably off and on since then. At the beginning of March, I received an email about Scentsy's Health Challenge and I knew I had to sign-up to participate. It started this week and I am dying. Haha. The hardest part is drinking 64 ounces of water every day. Before this week, I drank coffee and about 0 ounces of water. Yikes! So with 4 days in, I am feeling more motivated and that is such a great feeling. Onward! Oh and I signed up for my first race of the year which is in June. :)

Adam's game is officially in game stores. It's be so great to see him light up when sharing his game with others and hearing about people playing it. I still cannot beat him in a two-player game and when I do I will never play two-player again. Ha. You can check out more info here if you would like.

Other things going on here. Adam's sweet grandma has been in rehab so the girls and I have made efforts to see her every other week. It is such a delightful visit. The girls talk her ears off and it's even more so now that Charlotte has joined in.

Homeschooling has been going well for the most part. Kaylee is reading non-stop and loving it which makes me super excited! We have the occasional melt-down which can make some days hard. Overall though, I would say this year has gone well.

Kaylee just finished up her first season of basketball. It was awesome to see her make progress and to cheer her team on. I loved it and so did she. I am looking forward to her playing again.

Her ball goes in here. :)

Elanor just turned 5. She had a Barbie fashion party. My sister-in-law's, Grace and Kati, helped me give the girls makeovers and then they put dress-up clothes on and walked the runway. It was so cute! I think fun was had by all.

Charlotte has been spending a lot of her time running around naked lately. She may be ready to be potty trained, but I am not. Mainly because it requires being home for several days in a row and I just don't have that right now. Maybe once co-op is done. I am also not sure if I am ready for her to officially be out of the baby stage. It's hard to say that that phase in my life is done. I'll get there. Until then duct tape is the only way to keep her diaper on at bed time. There has been a time or two that even that didn't work.

Doesn't this look fun?

My momma has been having a rough go at things. The medications have all been messing with her leaving her weak and making it impossible for her to get around. I know a lot of you have been praying for her. Thank you for that. I get to go visit and help after her next chemo treatment which is this Thursday. Even though it is not a vacation visit of sorts, I am looking forward to being able to hug her and my dad. I hate living states away and not being able to help more often. Adam, friends, and family will have the girls while I am away. Please pray that my girls will be so good for everyone watching them. Thanks to all for helping.

Our garage. We were finally having one put on. It is so close to being done. It's been hard to park with all the construction going on, but I am excited to be able to park inside again. Especially on rainy days like today.

Beginning stages.

Softball for the girls and for Adam starts soon. In the meantime, I am enjoying the brief break from sports.

That catches you up on things here for the most part. How have you been? Anything new? I am so behind on everyone else's life. So, tell me. How are things? I hope you are doing well.

Processing.

A few weeks ago, my momma called to tell me that her cancer had returned. Maybe it wasn't that long ago. But it feels that long.

Her breast cancer has returned in her liver, her lungs, and her lymph nodes. Metastatic breast cancer. Now there is something you don't want to google.

Words simply cannot express my heartache.

My heart aches for my momma. Who is in a lot of pain. And is about to face one the toughest monsters on earth and try to beat it for the rest of her life. (No pressure or anything, mom, but I am rooting for that whole 32 years thing that you were saying about that one lady.)

My heart aches for my daddy. Who will stand by and hold my momma's hand as she faces the monster. Knowing that his days with the love of his life are numbered.

My heart aches for my girls. Who will only get a limited amount of time knowing their awesome nana.

My heart aches for me. Because, really, who am I going to call when I need paint colors? Or to give me advice? Or to just call and talk to about how we both hate talking on the phone?

The reality is that God could heal my mom. He is the only one who could.

But even if He chooses not to. I praise Him. Because I know that my momma still has some time. Not enough. But time nonetheless. And I am so thankful for that.

Guys, my mom is pretty great. Growing up, she would jump on beds with us and make us laugh like no other. Even hide to scare me so that I would stop scaring my brother. (I may or may not have been 17 at this point.What can I say? I still love scaring Michael.) She cooks some of the world's best food. (I mean I am seriously bummed that I didn't get any of her pie today!) She taught me the most important parts of being a mom and a wife. (Especially balancing family life while keeping the house clean.) And how to be a really good friend. (Relationships require give and take.) And I would not be who I am today if it were not for her.

I love you momma.

God Used You

Recently Adam and I shared our stories with our church family. Adam posted our "script" over on his blog if you missed it and want to check it out. For the life of me, I could not decide whether I wanted to share about my miscarriage or not. It felt too raw. Even up until the morning of, I was trying to decide. I had written out what I was going to say. It didn't feel like enough. But in light of what we were talking about, it didn't seem right to add more.

So, maybe this is a better place to put down what I wish I could have said. What I wish could have been summed up in that tiny paragraph.

This past year has been a complete turn around for me.

I wrote a couple of very raw posts that never saw the light on facebook. I only made myself vulnerable to those that are my true followers. (Shout out to the 7 of you that I know are reading.) You can find those by searching by the "miscarriage" label if you are super curious. But the point of this post isn't about where I was as much as where I am now and the process that I went through to get here.

During the last 2 (almost 3! Wow!) years, I questioned everything I had ever been taught about God. Even His existence. I consider this my darkest time. My most alone time. I wanted very much for God to rescue me and make it all better. I didn't want to grieve. I didn't want to think about it. But that never happened. I was forced to face the fact that my baby was not going to have a breath here on earth and that God was the One that allowed this to happen. I had no desire to seek God out.

So He sought me. And He used you to do it.

It started right away.

I had a friend drop of a special gift and literally hug and cry with me. My birthday was 2 weeks after I lost the baby and several of my closest friends took time off to go away with me to celebrate. One friend brought me meals for my freezer and gave me books that helped her through her time of loss. (Seriously yall, I did not want to get up some days. Those meals were great!) Several friends were willing to let me talk through the most painful times and not once did they try to offer advice or pretend to know what I was going through. Several of you shared your stories with me to encourage me and let me know that I am not alone. One friend sent me a sweet ribbon in memory of my baby. Others have sent cards, texts, and emails to let me know that they haven't forgotten about my sweet baby.

During this time, I had a very special conversation that I really consider the place that my heart started to let down the wall I had put up with God.  I had asked someone special to me how to move forward. I felt so stuck. I wanted to cry and miss my baby, but I also wanted to have joy because of the new life that I was carrying at the time. And was it ok that I wanted to do both? And in the mean time, did God really love me? Me. Specifically. And how. I wanted to feel His love in a tangible way. At the time, I listened and gleaned the wisdom imparted to me. All while sobbing through my sandwich. (This whole conversation took place at lunch at a homeschool convention.) As I look back, I have no doubt that even that conversation was God telling me that He loved me which is ironic since that was one of the things I was asking about.

Another friend shared with me how she realized that her children are simply on loan to her from God. That He knows how much time that they have on this earth and while she doesn't know how long that is, she surrenders her children to Him. What an amazing testimony?!

One other way God spoke to me was through music. One of my closest friends had said to me that she thought music was going to bring me healing. I laughed at her at the time. But after that it seemed like I kept finding songs that held how I felt. Here are a few of the ones that helped me through that time.

The first one was Give Me Faith. I shared about that one here.

Shortly after that I found these two songs by Plumb. I Need You Now and I Want You Here.

Draw me Nearer by Meredith Andrews

My favorite one of all of them is What I Know by Tricia because I found it when I really had no doubt that if I hung on to what I know then I would one day feel His presence again.

God used you guys to draw me back to Him! I thank Him for all of you!

Today I was in a Bible study where I was reminded of how God wants a relationship with me. He desires a deep intimate relationship with me. And when I sat there and thought about how I wanted that with Him, I realized that my heart had changed. I'm not sure specifically when my heart changed. I definitely see times that I was trying to change. But today I know my heart is in a good place. I no longer feel angry or bitter. Or wounded. But at peace.

That's not to say I don't grieve my baby. My baby would have turned 2 in August. It makes me sad to think about missed days. Missed firsts. Missed lasts. Boo-boos to kiss. Fingers to count.

It is to say, though, that God has walked me through the dark valley and I am finally once again walking where I feel Him walking with me and know that He does love me and care for me. And I don't think I would be in this place if it wasn't for all of you. Thank you.

May Mingle:Randy - Making a Fresh Start ~ from Today

Today's May Mingle guest is my Daddy! I actually forgot that he even had a blog because it had been over a year since he had written anything. My Dad is a pretty smart guy and has lots of wisdom and I am grateful that he shares that wisdom with me and now with you.

You can check out my Dad's blog here.

Making a Fresh Start ~ from Today

It has been way to long since I’ve written in my Journey Journal.  Krista said she was going to have some guest bloggers and I hinted at letting me be one.  She laughed because it’s been a looooong time since I’ve blogged.  But, the challenge was out there and this is what I came up with as I journey down the road that God has laid before me.

As I look at this road, I’ve been distracted from my Guide – by “me.”  I’ve noticed more and more how selfish I am being.  I blame it on age or other things but when it comes right down to it – I’m just a selfish old buzzard!

In my griping and whining I was reminded of some things … so, here we go!

How many times have I said, “Man, would I like to have a fresh start in my Christian life?” I’ve made many mistakes in my life as a Christian. I’ve experienced many setbacks and failures throughout my life. Sometimes I allow these mistakes, these setbacks and failures to enslave me to the point that I never enjoy the full Christian life that God has given me to enjoy. 

In John 10:10 Jesus said, “I am come that you might have life and have it more abundantly.” Then he goes on to tell us that there is an opponent – a challenger – adversary – the enemy, called the devil that seeks to steal, kill and destroy that life. The devil will remind me of my past in order to keep me from enjoying the life that God gave me to live. The devil does not want me to have a fresh start in life. 

I’ve been dealing with this again lately.  Maybe it’s not just my past.  Maybe it’s a mixture of that and living under the circumstances instead of above them.

In dealing with – or possibly NOT dealing with this – I was reminded of something I had shared with a group of people in Appleton, Wisconsin back in 2013. This is what I was reminded of:

There is good news! God says, “I want you to have a fresh start in life, I want you to have a new beginning, I want to do something new in your life.” 

A cool verse from the writer of the book of Isaiah says “The Lord says, Forget about what has happened before. Do not think about the past. Instead, look at the new things I’m going to do.”

I hear, “Randy! Listen to what God is saying to you in this. Forget about what’s happened before. Don’t think about the past. It’s over. The book’s closed on it. – Move on, young man!  Look at the new things I’m going to do.” 

Israel no doubt was discouraged because they thought this was the end of them. They had gone to far, they had sinned and rebelled against God to the point that He would no longer be their God. Maybe they thought God would not deliver us again, it’s over. That is when they begin to remember the former things or past deliverances. Israel could remember past deliverances and past victories. They could remember when they were trapped by the Red Sea and had nowhere to go, how God made away for them. They could remember that when the enemy was about to overtake them how He provided protection for them. They could remember the former things, but they couldn’t see their future. That is why God said; “I am going to do something new."

I know there are others that feel like this too! You feel that you have made so many mistakes, you have failed God so many times and you have sinned it all away. Now God doesn’t want anything to do with you. 

You feel and believe that you have no future with God.

The good news is, God is saying, “It’s not over; I have plans for your life. I am about to do something new for you. ” 

So I want to write about the reminder from God that I got this week.  I’m calling it, “How To Make a Fresh Start!” 

It starts with this ‘formula.’  S.T.A.R.T. This is what helped me remember and so if I pass it along to friends, when you are being reminded of your failures, it may help you. Whether you had financial failure, or maybe a relational failure, a failure in your marriage, had a moral failure – You may have really blown it and you may have made some decisions you’re so ashamed of and hope nobody ever finds out about. Regardless of the failure you’ve had in your life, here’s how you start over.

S – Stop making excuses.

If I want a fresh start in life, I have to stop making excuses for my failures. I’ve got to stop blaming other people. I’ve got to stop seeing myself as the victim of my circumstances. 

Other people can hurt us, other people can harm us, and other people can scar us.  But the only person that can ruin your life is you.  Nobody can ruin your life without your permission. You have a choice and that is you can choose how you’re going to respond to those hurts. Solomon, in the book of Proverbs, says that the starting point is to just be honest and accept responsibility for my part in the problem. 

Solomon writes, “A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. But if he confesses and forsakes them he gets another chance.” 

He gets a fresh start. He says the starting point to starting over is to be honest and face up to the problems, that most of the problems in my life, most of the failures, are my fault. 

It is hard for me many times to admit when I am wrong. People do not like to admit, “I mad a mistake, and I blew it.” God says that if we admit the mistake, if we admit our failures, and if we admit our sin, then we get another chance in life.

Solomon says, "A sensible man watches for problems and prepares to meet them but the fool never looks ahead and suffers the consequences."

He also says, "If you give up when troubles come, it just shows that you are weak."  Being a man, I don’t like being weak!

It’s always too soon to quit.  Solomon says we need to stop making excuses, admit when it’s our fault and get on with life. I’ve discovered that people who are very good at making excuses are rarely good at anything else. They spend all their energy thinking up reasons why they can’t do what they’re supposed to do. That describes me from time to time

So "S" in START stands for Stop making excuses.

T - Take an Inventory of My Life

I need to take an inventory of my life. That means I need to evaluate all my experiences. I need to look at what I have left after the failure. I need to take an inventory of my life’s experiences and learn from them. 

Paul, in his book to the folks in Galatia, wrote "You have experienced many things. Were all those experiences wasted? I hope not."

“Learn from your mistakes.” Failure can be my friend or my foe. I determine if failure will be my friend or foe by the way I react to it.

As I look at my life and the life of others, I’ve seen that there are four kinds of experiences that God uses to shape our lives. 

· He uses personal experiences. The family that you grew up in, the people you relate to. God can use your personal experience with your husband or your wife. He uses personal experiences to shape you.

· He uses vocational and educational experiences to shape you.

· He uses spiritual experiences to shape you, like coming to church, going on a retreat or reading your Bible, having a quiet time.

· He uses painful experiences to shape you.

As I take inventory of my life in starting over, I need to ask myself three questions. 

· What have I learned? If I don’t set down and think it through, I’ll end up repeating the same mistake over and over again because I didn’t learn from it the first time.

· What are my assets? What have I got going for me? Have I got my health? Have I got my freedom? Am I still mentally sound? (this seems to be questionable at times!)  :0) Have I got some friends? Have I got the Lord? Have I got a church family? What do I have that I can get a fresh start with?

· Who can help me? When we need a fresh start, we need somebody by our side – a friend, an accountability partner, a support person, or a support group. Find someone that can help you. You need other people because you don’t start over by yourself after a major setback or crisis. You need somebody else to walk along with you. There is one that we can count on to be there to help us to get a fresh start in life. The Lord Jesus will be there, He will help us to pull your lives back together and make sure that we get started on the right foot. 

A - Act in faith

This is the third step in getting a fresh start. Act in faith. I have to launch out into new territory. The writer of the book of Hebrews says that the key to changing anything is faith. If you want to change your circumstance, it takes faith. 

Jesus says this. “According to your faith it will be done to you.” That is a very simple statement but it’s very powerful. “According to your faith it will be done to you.” That means we tend to get out of life what we expect. “According to your faith it will be done to you." 

In order to start acting in faith, it means I’ve got to stop having a pity party. I’ve got to stop feeling sorry for myself.  “Poor me! I’m such a victim. Life is unfair.”  Of course life is unfair! Whoever said it was fair? God never said that. 

What I need to do is learn from those failures. In fact, I should maybe never call it a failure in my life. I should call it an education.

What I need to do is learn from the past, act in faith for the future and look to God for guidance. 

How do I get rid of fear of failure?  Faith! That’s why the third step in starting over is Act in Faith. Faith is not so much the absence of fear, as it is moving ahead in spite of my fear. Sometimes faith is doing the thing I fear the most. 

And I need to stop worrying about what others say or think. Solomon, again, says "Being afraid of people can get you into trouble.”  Another way of saying it is, “Fear of man is a dangerous trap, but to trust in God means safety. 

R - Refocus

I need to refocus my thoughts if I want to change my life. If I want to get going again, if I want a fresh start, I need to rethink the way that I think. I need to change my mind about a number of issues. 

Solomon, says "Be careful how you think. Your life is shaped by your thoughts." 

The way I think, determines the way I feel.  And the way I feel determines the way I act. If I want to change my actions, just change the way I think and it will inevitably change the way I act.  If I’m depressed, discouraged and distressed it may be because I’m thinking depressed, discouraged and distressing thoughts. That’s my choice. I don’t have to think those thoughts. If I’m acting in fearful, worried ways it’s because I’m thinking fearful, worried thoughts.

In a comedy routine with Bob Newhart, as a counselor, Bob would say to this, “Stop it!”

Paul, in his book, Romans, writes this, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” 

If I have to refocus my thoughts to start over to get a fresh start, that means I have to stop thinking some old patterns. Which memories am I still rehearsing that keep me from having a fresh start in life?  The Bible says let go.  Let go of those things. The more I hold on to that memory, the more I rehearse it, it continues to hurt me today.  It cannot hurt me without my permission. I have to change my mind and let go and get rid of those painful, hurtful memories of shame and guilt and other things.

How do I do that? 

· First, confession. Some say and ask, "I’ve confessed to God but I still feel guilty. How do I get rid of a painful memory?"  Not by resisting it but by replacing it. Not saying, "I’m not going to think about it! I’m not going to think about it!" What am I doing the whole time? Thinking about it? Stop focusing on what I don’t want and start focusing on what I do want. Get my attention onto something else. Refocus. Replace those memories by, every time they come up, start thinking about something else. Focus on something else.

· What’s the best thing to focus on? God’s Word!

David wrote “Happy are those who are always meditating on God’s word. They’re like trees along a river that do not dry up. They succeed in everything they do. ” 

Those are the two things that everybody wants in life. We all want to be happy and we all want to succeed. The antidote, the answer, the way we get those is the phrase right in the middle “meditating on God’s word.”

That’s where the change takes place. That’s the power to start over.

And – here’s the last point in this formula of Making a Fresh Start …

T – Trust

Trust God to help us succeed.  Depend on Him. We don’t need depend on ourselves. We’ve already proven that we can’t do it on our own.  That’s why we’ve failed.  Some people just don’t get it.  They stumble and fall and then they get up and say, “I’ll just try harder!”  It’s like you go up to a wall and bang your head against it and the wall doesn’t fall down.  We try it again and Bang!  Again!  We keep doing it thinking, “Maybe it will fall over this time.”  That’s the definition of insanity – doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting different results.  If we keep doing the same thing then we will keep getting the same result.  We can’t change who we are, only God can do that. I am not talking about the outward man but the inner man.  The real person is the hidden person of the heart. Success in the Christian life is not trying harder, but living smarter – Giving God control of my life. 

Zechariah wrote, “You will not succeed by your own strength or power but by My Spirit, says the Lord.” 

“When someone becomes a Christian, they become a brand new person inside.  He is not the same anymore.  A new life has begun!” God specializes in new beginnings.  Jesus Christ has the power to do that.  It’s called being born again, the chance to start over.  We can have fresh start with a new life as we begin this journey forward today.  God says, “I don’t want you to turn over a new leaf.  I’m going to give you a whole new life.” 

So, as I finish this journey journal entry, I ask ~ Will you have a fresh start in life?  Will you have a new beginning?  It’s your choice.  How can you have a fresh start?  

For me ~ Will I have a fresh start in life?  Will I have a new beginning?  It’s my choice.  How can I have a fresh start?  I can have a fresh start by:

· Stop making excuse
· Taking an inventory of my life
· Acting in faith
· Refocusing my thoughts
· Trusting God

Thank you for hanging out with me on this journey!  Let me know, and I’ll pray with and for you.

Randy “JavaMan” Tooley

Isaiah 43.18

Proverbs 28.13

Proverbs 20.7

Proverbs 24.10

Galatians 3.4

Matthew 9

Proverbs 29.25

Proverbs 4.23

Romans 12.2

Psalm 1

Zechariah 4.6