Labor Day

We have an annual tradition on Labor Day weekend every year. Adam's extended family does a badminton tournament on the Sunday of Labor Day. There is usually a ton of food.

And that is not including the dessert table. There is lots of people and lots of fun.

Adam was in his zone. He loves running events.

Adam and Ryan won for their 14th time.

After the tournament is over, we have the Shelton's come and stay the night for lots of gaming and fun. It is a super enjoyable time for everyone, including the kids. This tradition is one of my favorite parts of the fall season.

Craziness and Community

These last couple of months have been super crazy. It started around the time the buyer's of our home wanted to move the closing date up by a week. That was the same day that I found out my momma's cancer was back. The very next weekend was when the head gasket on our 15 year old van decided to go. When I was co-leading our women's retreat. The weekend after the retreat we moved. A week after we moved in, our heat went out in our (new to us) house and the HSA couldn't get someone out for a couple of days. The next week we replaced our van. And then our heat went out again this past weekend.

I tell you all of that, not to say "woe is me." Or to have you feel sorry for me. I tell you all of that to give glory to God for the amazing body of believers that He has given us to walk through carry us through the craziness.

When the buyer's moved our closing date up, 3 of my friends came over and helped pack us up. They got more packed that night than I could have done in a week by myself.

When my momma called with her news, one of my friends called me immediately to check-in to see how I was doing and stayed on the phone with me while I blubbered through the news. What a patient friend. This friend called and checked on me multiple days following that one. My husband left work early to come hold me even when I didn't ask him to. He sat there next to me while I sat in shock avoiding the subject. And later when the emotion overflowed, he held me and let me soak his shirt with my tears. What a man! Other friends have been great at texting, praying, and asking me how things are going. Not minding that my answer isn't "fine." One friend gave me a super cute pillow to hold whenever I need to just sit and cry. It totally matches my bedroom, too. A couple of other friends have hired a photographer to come take pictures of my family when we are all together for Christmas. What an amazing gift! Other family and friends have offered to buy plane tickets or offer points to fly so I can go be with my family. So overwhelmed by their generosity! When I couldn't be with my momma and daddy for the official news, my grandparents spent several days with them to keep them company while my dad waited. And they continue to be available to my parents when they need them.

When our head gasket blew on our van, we had family step in and offer us their cars until we could research and find a new one after we moved. Totally saw God's hand in this provision.

When I was at the women's retreat, friends showered me with some yummy treats and also with fun memories. What a great time to get away and shift my focus back on Jesus. When I got home, I was able to enjoy a date with my husband because family had taken the girls for the day.

When we moved, family watched our girls the whole weekend so that we could move without them underfoot. We had lots of friends come and help us move. Some came even if they were only available for a short bit. And others stayed for the whole day. All of the friends that helped also have families that were spending the day without them. What amazing friends to give up their family time as well as their Saturday to help us. Also, the weekend we moved was a gorgeous weekend. Hoodie weather. (The weekend we were to originally move on ended up being snowy, rainy, and icy all day long. Thanks Lord!) Several friends provided dinner during this week leading up to the move which was wonderful because I was able to have the kitchen packed up. Another friend came and helped me clean the night before the move. And a few friends helped take a few loads over that night before. One family member came and cleaned my new house for several hours on two separate occasions! It was a huge help!

When our heat went out, friends offered their heater to us if we wanted it. Family gave us fire wood for our fire place.

When we went to get our van, family watched the older two girls, making our test-drive much easier.

I am so very thankful to be a part of a community that picks us up when we are absolutely defeated and have nothing left to give. These last few years, God has definitely made it so clear to Adam and I that we need this community that we find in Him. His love overflows from His people.

God Used You

Recently Adam and I shared our stories with our church family. Adam posted our "script" over on his blog if you missed it and want to check it out. For the life of me, I could not decide whether I wanted to share about my miscarriage or not. It felt too raw. Even up until the morning of, I was trying to decide. I had written out what I was going to say. It didn't feel like enough. But in light of what we were talking about, it didn't seem right to add more.

So, maybe this is a better place to put down what I wish I could have said. What I wish could have been summed up in that tiny paragraph.

This past year has been a complete turn around for me.

I wrote a couple of very raw posts that never saw the light on facebook. I only made myself vulnerable to those that are my true followers. (Shout out to the 7 of you that I know are reading.) You can find those by searching by the "miscarriage" label if you are super curious. But the point of this post isn't about where I was as much as where I am now and the process that I went through to get here.

During the last 2 (almost 3! Wow!) years, I questioned everything I had ever been taught about God. Even His existence. I consider this my darkest time. My most alone time. I wanted very much for God to rescue me and make it all better. I didn't want to grieve. I didn't want to think about it. But that never happened. I was forced to face the fact that my baby was not going to have a breath here on earth and that God was the One that allowed this to happen. I had no desire to seek God out.

So He sought me. And He used you to do it.

It started right away.

I had a friend drop of a special gift and literally hug and cry with me. My birthday was 2 weeks after I lost the baby and several of my closest friends took time off to go away with me to celebrate. One friend brought me meals for my freezer and gave me books that helped her through her time of loss. (Seriously yall, I did not want to get up some days. Those meals were great!) Several friends were willing to let me talk through the most painful times and not once did they try to offer advice or pretend to know what I was going through. Several of you shared your stories with me to encourage me and let me know that I am not alone. One friend sent me a sweet ribbon in memory of my baby. Others have sent cards, texts, and emails to let me know that they haven't forgotten about my sweet baby.

During this time, I had a very special conversation that I really consider the place that my heart started to let down the wall I had put up with God.  I had asked someone special to me how to move forward. I felt so stuck. I wanted to cry and miss my baby, but I also wanted to have joy because of the new life that I was carrying at the time. And was it ok that I wanted to do both? And in the mean time, did God really love me? Me. Specifically. And how. I wanted to feel His love in a tangible way. At the time, I listened and gleaned the wisdom imparted to me. All while sobbing through my sandwich. (This whole conversation took place at lunch at a homeschool convention.) As I look back, I have no doubt that even that conversation was God telling me that He loved me which is ironic since that was one of the things I was asking about.

Another friend shared with me how she realized that her children are simply on loan to her from God. That He knows how much time that they have on this earth and while she doesn't know how long that is, she surrenders her children to Him. What an amazing testimony?!

One other way God spoke to me was through music. One of my closest friends had said to me that she thought music was going to bring me healing. I laughed at her at the time. But after that it seemed like I kept finding songs that held how I felt. Here are a few of the ones that helped me through that time.

The first one was Give Me Faith. I shared about that one here.

Shortly after that I found these two songs by Plumb. I Need You Now and I Want You Here.

Draw me Nearer by Meredith Andrews

My favorite one of all of them is What I Know by Tricia because I found it when I really had no doubt that if I hung on to what I know then I would one day feel His presence again.

God used you guys to draw me back to Him! I thank Him for all of you!

Today I was in a Bible study where I was reminded of how God wants a relationship with me. He desires a deep intimate relationship with me. And when I sat there and thought about how I wanted that with Him, I realized that my heart had changed. I'm not sure specifically when my heart changed. I definitely see times that I was trying to change. But today I know my heart is in a good place. I no longer feel angry or bitter. Or wounded. But at peace.

That's not to say I don't grieve my baby. My baby would have turned 2 in August. It makes me sad to think about missed days. Missed firsts. Missed lasts. Boo-boos to kiss. Fingers to count.

It is to say, though, that God has walked me through the dark valley and I am finally once again walking where I feel Him walking with me and know that He does love me and care for me. And I don't think I would be in this place if it wasn't for all of you. Thank you.

Today I Gave Grace

In May I had planned on doing another round of May Mingle. I even had a few people tell me that they would be happy to do a guest blog for me. The months before and after flew by and I completely spaced it. My friend Katherine sent me her blog and when I couldn't open it on my phone, I decided to open it later on the computer. And that didn't happen until today. And honestly after reading her beautifully written blog, I can't help but wonder if the timing is perfect.

Katherine and I were "forced" friends. Our husbands have been best friends since childhood and so saying that we married into the relationship is a great way to word the start of our friendship. Over the years, Katherine and I have formed our own bond and I consider her one of my closest friends. It's an honor to share this blog that was on her heart.

Today I Gave Grace

Any mom knows the problems encountered by trying to teach their children responsibility.  You're all familiar with the nagging, begging, cajoling, and frustration associated with homework, chores, and just about anything else child-related. And let's not forget the shameful times that I've lost my temper with my children. Mentally raise your hands if you relate to this. Yep, thought so. I know I'm not the only one!

This day was another one of those days. It was a Saturday and I had my list of things to get done.  My two-year-old was busy undoing everything behind me that I had just accomplished. Silverware was on the floor, clothes were pulled out of the dresser and strewn on the floor, throw blankets had been pulled out of their baskets and trampled on, and couch cushions were in disarray. And the books! Oh, the books everywhere!!! Needless to say that my dishes and laundry chores were taking much longer to complete. I needed my boys to help and I had fun things on the list to do with the kids after we were all finished.

But my two boys, ages 7 and 9, had other ideas. They decided that it would be much more fun to turn room cleaning into an all day event. Something which they had perfected through much practice.  Somehow putting away a basket of laundry that I had already sorted and folded was akin to slave labor. Emptying the garbage can? Impossible without somehow spreading half of the trash all over the kitchen. That I had just swept and mopped. I kept hearing the sounds of harmonicas, toys, and other noises that distinctly indicated cleaning was not happening at anything resembling speed. Multiple check-ups on the boys to redirect, refocus, and attempt to motivate seemed fruitless. Finally after taking away several toys and privileges the boys found the motivation to complete their chores. I was beyond worn out and honestly wanted nothing more than to send them to bed. Some peace and quiet sounded like heaven! And surely the boys needed to contemplate their actions to learn from them. With my patience worn thin, my mother's heart was not sympathetic at this point.

Until my precious 9 year-old reminded me of something. At long last, with their room done, my children came to me to make their report.  My oldest asked somewhat sadly, “Mom, we probably don't deserve to play video games, do we?” And this is extremely hard for me. Beyond hard. I'm a justice person. I see things in black and white, right and wrong. I see the need for people to learn consequences of their actions. I'm all about teachable moments. Not kidding when I say that one of my fears is that my kids will grow up being irresponsible! So it comes without much guesswork that I didn't want to reward my children for the actions of the day.

But then I saw the correlation to my own life. How many times have we been given things by our loving heavenly Father that we don't deserve? How many times have we worn his patience by disobeying, and needing constant direction? How often has God had to remind me to stay on task, to trust him, to complete what we've been working on? But he still gives us grace, the gifts that we don't deserve. So I gathered my boys into my arms (something that's getting progressively harder as they insist on growing taller), and asked them if they knew what grace is. If they knew that God loves them unconditionally. We had a conversation about the amazing love of an awesome God. That love doesn't excuse disobedience and sometimes consequences cannot be negated. But that doesn't diminish the love.  That day my heart was softened and taught a lesson. And I got the privilege of passing on the blessing to my children. The timer was set and we played games together before tackling the next project on the list together.  My children do need to keep working on responsibility and work ethic. I need to learn consistency and patience. And we all need to learn more about the grace of God.

 Today, I gave grace. Something our Father always gives.

Back From Colorado

We just got back from the longest drive we have ever taken our girls on. While Google says the trip to Pueblo should take about 17 hours, it took us more like 20.

On our way out, we stopped to visit with Adam's coach/dean of men from Vennard. Adam and I always enjoyed he and his wife's company when we were at school and since we were passing through there town, we called them up. It was such a great little visit.

We finally made it to Michael and Rachel's just in time to see Michael at his store and then go back to their house to put the girls to bed for the night. Then, Michael and I went over to church and practiced for Sunday.

The week flew by as each day had something fun.

We hung out with Rachel's family. (The girls made a craft with Rachel and her mom, June.)

We had Christmas together. 

We toured Pueblo.

We visited Focus on the Family's Whit's End and Adventures in Odyssey exhibit.

We drove through the garden of the gods.

We rode the cog-rail up to Pike's Peak. (Although, we couldn't go all the way to the top because the snow plow was broken and there was snow on the tracks.)

We met up with college friend's Derrick and Renee and their family for dinner. It was nice to catch up and hear what they are up to!

We picnic'd at Uplift Mountain and watched Adam do some of the obstacle course. (I was going to post the videos, but my phone is taking too long to upload them.)

We walked around Bishop's Castle.

We relaxed. 

We took some fun pictures.

It was a fun-filled week visiting with Michael and Rachel. 

On the way home, we stopped in Missouri and saw some more friends. We played some Cash and Guns and talked about life. (This seriously was one turn. Do you see how many guns were pointed at me?)

We drove the last 6 hours and arrived home with plenty of time to unpack and do laundry. :)
It was great to get away, see family and friends, and be rejuvenated.

Friday

Friday. I love Friday.

Yesterday was a super fun one.

The day started with my 6am wake-up call. I spent time talking to God and then got busy working. Can't do that without my coffee.

Once 8 rolled around it was time to get the girls ready for the day and for gymnastics. (After a FaceTime call from my parents.)

The day wouldn't be complete if I didn't have to give Charlotte a complete wardrobe change right when we are supposed to be walking out the door.

Finally got everyone loaded into the car.

And to gymnastics.

After gymnastics, we ran to Wal-Mart to pick up some pictures I needed for Charlotte's scrapbook and then went home and ate lunch.

I vacuumed the carpets and then put the girls down for naps.

While they napped, I worked on Charlotte's book and folded laundry.

After naps, we had dinner with Annie, Jeremy, and Paige and then Annie and I ran to Wal-Mart to pick up a different picture that I had printed. (Yes, I went to two different Wal-Marts on the same day because I didn't realize that I was printing pictures at the wrong one until it was too late.) Once we were back, the girls were all put to bed and then we played Jeremy's pick of Takenoko and Adam's pick of Smash Up. (Picture is of Takenoko.)

When they left, I finished folding laundry and watched some Doctor Who. (Such a great show!)

What did you do yesterday?