Nightmare

This morning I woke up to my name being yelled out by one of my girls. Now, let me start by saying that this is not the way to wake me up and my girls know it. If they are barfing, then they can holler. But if they have a bad dream or are scared about something, they are to come in and talk to me. That's the wake up in the middle of the night routine. So, all of that to say, I woke up pretty growly.

Ferociously, I enter Ella's room grumpily asking her why she is yelling across the house. She immediately responded with crying. (I know, mother of the year over here.) I took a deep breath and calmly asked her why she was yelling for me and why she was crying.

She then tells me that she had a terrible nightmare; a tornado came through our house and I died.

Now, the interesting thing about all of this, is that she doesn't know that my mom had a pet scan yesterday to check out a mass they found on a CT scan last week and I had spent the better part of yesterday praying that God would heal the mass and make it disappear or that it would be anything easily remedied and not more cancer. But ultimately, His will be done.

I looked her in the eyes and I said, "Ella, if that happened, two things would take place that I am certain of. One is that God would bring people to you to love on you and take care of you. People would come and hold you and tell you it will be ok. He will send them and they will be here in every way that you need them. And two I would be in Heaven with Jesus and since you believe in Jesus, I would see you again someday."

We talked a few more minutes through tears about the joy of eternity and then I went on to say the same things from my perspective.

"My mom is dying. When she does die, whether soon or ten years from now, I am certain that God will provide for me during my grief and that I will see her again some day. My mom has a personal relationship with God. She knows that Jesus died for her sins and that He rose again. She loves Him and serves Him with every fiber of her being and I am certain that when her time comes she will be in heaven with our Lord and Savior. She will no longer be in pain. She will no longer be suffering. And when that time comes, that will bring my heart joy in the midst of tragedy."

As I crawled back into my bed and contemplated this timely conversation with Ella, sleep eluded me. All the what if's started to plague my thoughts. I replayed my conversation with Ella and was at peace with what is to come. I prayed for a while and thought about the words to the song "It is Well" by Bethel music until sleep finally came.

Even When It Hurts

Faith has been on my mind again today.

My best friend sent me a text that said, "I will keep praying for healing."

And there it was.

"Do you believe that I can heal your Momma this side of Heaven?"

I was just this morning praising God for His being the Healer and the Great Physician.

I think it comes down to this. I do believe He can heal her. I am just not sure it will be on earth.

Maybe it is the prepared part of me. The part that likes to know what is coming. The part that cannot mentally or emotionally handle my Momma dying. It's the same reason I needed to know before giving birth that I was having girl after girl. I need time to process. Praise the Lord that in this case, I have time.

But does my preparedness mean that my faith is inadequate? It's just so complex.

I struggle with the balance. Believing and trusting. Processing. Still believing. Actively believing.

The Almighty God be glorified. No matter what.

         Psalm 69

1 

Save me, O God,

    for the waters have come up to my neck.

2 

I sink in the miry depths,

    where there is no foothold.

I have come into the deep waters;

    the floods engulf me.

3 

I am worn out calling for help;

    my throat is parched.

My eyes fail,

    looking for my God.

4 

Those who hate me without reason

    outnumber the hairs of my head;

many are my enemies without cause,

    those who seek to destroy me.

I am forced to restore

    what I did not steal.

5 

You, God, know my folly;

    my guilt is not hidden from you.

6 

Lord, the Lord Almighty,

    may those who hope in you

    not be disgraced because of me;

God of Israel,

    may those who seek you

    not be put to shame because of me.

7 

For I endure scorn for your sake,

    and shame covers my face.

8 

I am a foreigner to my own family,

    a stranger to my own mother’s children;

9 

for zeal for your house consumes me,

    and the insults of those who insult you fall on me.

10 

When I weep and fast,

    I must endure scorn;

11 

when I put on sackcloth,

    people make sport of me.

12 

Those who sit at the gate mock me,

    and I am the song of the drunkards.

13 

But I pray to you, Lord,

    in the time of your favor;

in your great love, O God,

    answer me with your sure salvation.

14 

Rescue me from the mire,

    do not let me sink;

deliver me from those who hate me,

    from the deep waters.

15 

Do not let the floodwaters engulf me

    or the depths swallow me up

    or the pit close its mouth over me.

16 

Answer me, Lord, out of the goodness of your love;

    in your great mercy turn to me.

17 

Do not hide your face from your servant;

    answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.

18 

Come near and rescue me;

    deliver me because of my foes.

19 

You know how I am scorned, disgraced and shamed;

    all my enemies are before you.

20 

Scorn has broken my heart

    and has left me helpless;

I looked for sympathy, but there was none,

    for comforters, but I found none.

21 

They put gall in my food

    and gave me vinegar for my thirst.

22 

May the table set before them become a snare;

    may it become retribution and[b] a trap.

23 

May their eyes be darkened so they cannot see,

    and their backs be bent forever.

24 

Pour out your wrath on them;

    let your fierce anger overtake them.

25 

May their place be deserted;

    let there be no one to dwell in their tents.

26 

For they persecute those you wound

    and talk about the pain of those you hurt.

27 

Charge them with crime upon crime;

    do not let them share in your salvation.

28 

May they be blotted out of the book of life

    and not be listed with the righteous.

29 

But as for me, afflicted and in pain—

    may your salvation, God, protect me.

30 

I will praise God’s name in song

    and glorify him with thanksgiving.

31 

This will please the Lord more than an ox,

    more than a bull with its horns and hooves.

32 

The poor will see and be glad—

    you who seek God, may your hearts live!

33 

The Lord hears the needy

    and does not despise his captive people.

34 

Let heaven and earth praise him,

    the seas and all that move in them,

35 

for God will save Zion

    and rebuild the cities of Judah.

Then people will settle there and possess it;

36 

    the children of his servants will inherit it,

    and those who love his name will dwell there.

Faith In Turbulent Times

These past 4 weeks we have been doing a Bible study on faith during turbulent times. I feel as though I learned so much. It felt good to be back in the word, digging into what is meant.

It feels good to see my faith where it is now. To be going through this stuff with my parents and to truly rely on God. Especially looking back to the last few years. Seeing where I was. Deeply wounded and hurt and out of desperation seeking God and questioning His very existence.  To now. Once again feeling loss and heartache with my Momma's diagnosis. Only now, I rely on His existence. The hope He offers me. It doesn't change the anguish that I feel over knowing that my time with my Momma is precious. But this life here is not my eternal home. It's temporary. Praise the Lord.

This study was such a great reminder to me that God is with me. He was with me back in October and November when we found out the cancer had returned. He is with me even now as I tear up and write this. He is with me in the future when our time together here does end.

It also reminded me that my eyes should be focused on Jesus. By fixing my eyes on Him I am able to endure and persevere no matter what my circumstances are.

And faith isn't just believing. It involves action. It's actively believing. It's the inward assurance of what we hope for and the outward action in response to what we do not see. Faith is confidently expecting our Heavenly Father to do what He promised.

John 16:33 is the promise I cling to.

It says,  “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

What great encouragement! He has overcome the world.

Healthy Living, Cancer, Scentsy, Grandma, Garages, Birthdays, Sports, Games and Diapers

I don't know how things are going for you, but life here seems busier than ever.

The other day I was thinking about how much I miss all of you. Thoughts of what to tell you run through my mind, but making time to sit down and share them has not been an option until today.

So, get your cup of coffee, find a comfy spot on the couch and let's catch up.

If you follow me on facebook at all, you may have seen that I recently started selling Scentsy. For those of you that have no clue what Scentsy is, it is a home fragrance line. We have everything from wax warmers to dish soap. In Septemberish of last year I had attended a party and learned of Scentsy. I had been using some plug-ins to make my house smell good for a while and was getting frustrated because the one scent that I liked, I could only find at Kroger occasionally. So, when I found several fragrances from Scentsy, I had to switch! In February, I decided to join the Scentsy team. It's been super fun so far. I have been extremely happy with the products as well as the customer support. Here is my website if you want to check it out.

Join me!

Through Scentsy, I found my healthy living motivation. Pretty much since August I have struggled once again with eating right and being active. Laziness is definitely a sin issue for me that I know the Lord is constantly chiseling away at. Molding and growing. In January, along with everyone else in the world, I made resolutions to get back at it and have failed miserably off and on since then. At the beginning of March, I received an email about Scentsy's Health Challenge and I knew I had to sign-up to participate. It started this week and I am dying. Haha. The hardest part is drinking 64 ounces of water every day. Before this week, I drank coffee and about 0 ounces of water. Yikes! So with 4 days in, I am feeling more motivated and that is such a great feeling. Onward! Oh and I signed up for my first race of the year which is in June. :)

Adam's game is officially in game stores. It's be so great to see him light up when sharing his game with others and hearing about people playing it. I still cannot beat him in a two-player game and when I do I will never play two-player again. Ha. You can check out more info here if you would like.

Other things going on here. Adam's sweet grandma has been in rehab so the girls and I have made efforts to see her every other week. It is such a delightful visit. The girls talk her ears off and it's even more so now that Charlotte has joined in.

Homeschooling has been going well for the most part. Kaylee is reading non-stop and loving it which makes me super excited! We have the occasional melt-down which can make some days hard. Overall though, I would say this year has gone well.

Kaylee just finished up her first season of basketball. It was awesome to see her make progress and to cheer her team on. I loved it and so did she. I am looking forward to her playing again.

Her ball goes in here. :)

Elanor just turned 5. She had a Barbie fashion party. My sister-in-law's, Grace and Kati, helped me give the girls makeovers and then they put dress-up clothes on and walked the runway. It was so cute! I think fun was had by all.

Charlotte has been spending a lot of her time running around naked lately. She may be ready to be potty trained, but I am not. Mainly because it requires being home for several days in a row and I just don't have that right now. Maybe once co-op is done. I am also not sure if I am ready for her to officially be out of the baby stage. It's hard to say that that phase in my life is done. I'll get there. Until then duct tape is the only way to keep her diaper on at bed time. There has been a time or two that even that didn't work.

Doesn't this look fun?

My momma has been having a rough go at things. The medications have all been messing with her leaving her weak and making it impossible for her to get around. I know a lot of you have been praying for her. Thank you for that. I get to go visit and help after her next chemo treatment which is this Thursday. Even though it is not a vacation visit of sorts, I am looking forward to being able to hug her and my dad. I hate living states away and not being able to help more often. Adam, friends, and family will have the girls while I am away. Please pray that my girls will be so good for everyone watching them. Thanks to all for helping.

Our garage. We were finally having one put on. It is so close to being done. It's been hard to park with all the construction going on, but I am excited to be able to park inside again. Especially on rainy days like today.

Beginning stages.

Softball for the girls and for Adam starts soon. In the meantime, I am enjoying the brief break from sports.

That catches you up on things here for the most part. How have you been? Anything new? I am so behind on everyone else's life. So, tell me. How are things? I hope you are doing well.

Processing.

A few weeks ago, my momma called to tell me that her cancer had returned. Maybe it wasn't that long ago. But it feels that long.

Her breast cancer has returned in her liver, her lungs, and her lymph nodes. Metastatic breast cancer. Now there is something you don't want to google.

Words simply cannot express my heartache.

My heart aches for my momma. Who is in a lot of pain. And is about to face one the toughest monsters on earth and try to beat it for the rest of her life. (No pressure or anything, mom, but I am rooting for that whole 32 years thing that you were saying about that one lady.)

My heart aches for my daddy. Who will stand by and hold my momma's hand as she faces the monster. Knowing that his days with the love of his life are numbered.

My heart aches for my girls. Who will only get a limited amount of time knowing their awesome nana.

My heart aches for me. Because, really, who am I going to call when I need paint colors? Or to give me advice? Or to just call and talk to about how we both hate talking on the phone?

The reality is that God could heal my mom. He is the only one who could.

But even if He chooses not to. I praise Him. Because I know that my momma still has some time. Not enough. But time nonetheless. And I am so thankful for that.

Guys, my mom is pretty great. Growing up, she would jump on beds with us and make us laugh like no other. Even hide to scare me so that I would stop scaring my brother. (I may or may not have been 17 at this point.What can I say? I still love scaring Michael.) She cooks some of the world's best food. (I mean I am seriously bummed that I didn't get any of her pie today!) She taught me the most important parts of being a mom and a wife. (Especially balancing family life while keeping the house clean.) And how to be a really good friend. (Relationships require give and take.) And I would not be who I am today if it were not for her.

I love you momma.

Real Fear

A story about a time you were very afraid.

Fear has played a part in my life in tides. The tide comes and with it comes fear, but slowly it releases and falls back and is no longer present.

When my best friend's sister died, I became very aware of death and it's presence in my life. So for a good long while after that, I was paralyzed with fear every time Adam was late getting home or I could not get someone on the phone. Slowly, the fear faded, but every now and then it appears again. Especially once we had the girls.

When my Mom was diagnosed with cancer, fear came once more. Fear of losing my Mom. Fear of living daily without without her calls and her opinions. Fear that Mom's surgery would not go as planned. Or that they would find more cancer. With each reassuring MRI, the fear passes.

When we were in the process of losing baby #3, I was faced with a new fear that I never had with Kaylee and Ella. The days of waiting for me to actually lose the baby were brutal. And then struggling through the days of losing him or her and becoming aware of the gigantic hole in my heart. Fear that my baby will be forgotten. As if he or she never existed. As excited as I was about becoming pregnant with baby #4, losing baby #3 gave me so much fear for the new little life in my womb. Fear that the ultrasound technician would not find the heartbeat. Fear that I would not make it to the end and come home with a baby. Even now with 9 weeks left, this fear sometimes sneaks up on me.

The thing about fear though is that I can let it eat at me constantly or I can make good use of it. What I mean is, instead of letting it be a burden, I let it be used for good. For instance, the fears I have mentioned above all have to do with my love for those in my life. If I find myself bombarded by one of these fears, I find time for those people. So, if I am frantic about Adam being late, then I spend extra time with him when he walks in the door. if I need to see my Mom, then I go see my Mom. If I am struggling with a fear about the baby, I talk to the baby and celebrate the moments that I have right now. Simply - I make those people a priority. It's not always easy. But thanks to technology I can facetime my family even when I am too pregnant to travel to see them or if money is tight at the time.

These are times I have been very afraid. And I simply choose to use my experiences for good rather than letting them get the best of me.

God's Answer

When I was waiting for my Parent's call yesterday I did not expect the answer would be "benign". Not because I lack faith. But because I was trying to be ok with whatever the result ended up being.

See, a month ago my Mom had a rather large and pretty impossible spot to reach that they were fairly certain was still cancer. They were going to do an MRI guided biopsy a few weeks later to be certain that it was just an area that was still healing from radiation. Well, during those few weeks, that spot completely healed. Vanished.

And a new spot had formed.

So when they did the MRI guided biopsy to check the other spot, they instead prepped the new spot. But since it was too close the chest cavity to do the biopsy, they would have to go in surgically to get it. So, that added another few weeks of waiting.

I was preparing myself for the worst. After all, it had been in there for like 5 weeks. And it was brand new.

Dad called me quickly after the doctor's call came in and shared the good news. Benign! That word gives me goosebumps!

God sometimes chooses no as an answer and while I was prepared for that, I am so grateful that His answer was YES! I prayed for healing for my Mom and He provided it graciously. Praise God! Thank you Lord for healing. To You and You alone be the glory, honor, and praise!

Tomorrow's Biopsy

I never thought that my Mom would get cancer. And I am not going to tell you that these last 7 months have been easy. In reality, these months have been some of the hardest I have ever faced. They have been cold. Dry. Cloudy. Lonely.

But.

God.

He has lifted me out of the darkness. He has revealed Himself to me. He has been my solid rock that I cling to.

No, I don't understand why this is a trial my family and I have faced, but I know that God is still God. He is in control. And I trust Him.

Tomorrow my Mom has another biopsy. One that we hope is her last. Benign. If, however, this is not the end of this trial, and it brings more heartache; one thing does not change.

God is still on His throne. And He is still great. And should be worshiped and praised. He sees the whole picture. He knows the goal, the end. And He will be here beside me through the whole thing.

Psalm 62:5-8 says, "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."

Because You Are

Today Momma starts radiation. 1 treatment of 25.

It has been interesting to see God move and stretch me through this whole situation.

Some days I struggle with doubt and frustration.  It was supposed to be a black and white situation. Mastectomy. Reconstruction. Pill. Gone. .9mm changed all that. Chemo recommended. Surgery recommended. Radiation promised. After all the debate, radiation is the answer. Will radiation really do the trick???

Some days I am indifferent and just simply do not want to think about it.

Some days I have peace and know that God will bring good from the situation. I just finished reading The Lion's Mark trilogy by Francine Rivers and it reminded me constantly of just that. God's love never changes and He is with me. I just need to seek Him and I will find Him.

There is a band called Everybody Duck. They have a song that really fits where I feel like I have been spiritually during this whole thing.

Here it is. Check it out.

Cancer Answer

After much prayer and debate, my Mom and Dad decided to only do radiation.

A board of specialists met on Thursday to look over and discuss my Mom's case and all agreed that she should have radiation and only two said that she should consider having chemo.

She met with her breast surgeon yesterday and after looking at Mom's diagnostic mammogram, she decided Mom does not need another surgery.

She starts radiation soon. The cool part is that since she opted for reconstruction instead of an implant, there will not be as much damage as there would have been. (Still some damage, but not as much.)

Thank you so much for praying for my parents! I really appreciate it!

Cancer Dilemma

Yesterday my Mom and Dad met with my Mom's new oncologist. Going into the appointment they knew that there was .9 mm of cancer left around the edge of her muscle where she had the mastectomy and that she was going to have to take a pill for the next 5 years.

What they were not anticipating was that the oncologist was going to recommend she have radiation and chemo.

The cancer that is still in there was unexpected by her original surgeon and that if they were not immediately doing reconstruction then he would have recommended a second surgery to remove the rest from the muscle. However, since the reconstruction was happening that day and already set in motion, they continued with the procedure. (They start doing the reconstruction during the mastectomy.) After her surgery was complete, her surgeon said that she should be alright if she just takes the pill.

Her new oncologist thinks otherwise.

I don't know all of the scientific jargon, but the cancer that was left could potentially spread to other places of her body if the pill does not work. Or she could be assured that the cancer is gone by putting her body through chemo and radiation along with taking the pill.

My heart is hurting for my Mom and Dad.

Could you please pray for them? They have to make this decision by next Friday. They need wisdom and discernment about what to do. And confidence and peace about their decision.