God Used You

Recently Adam and I shared our stories with our church family. Adam posted our "script" over on his blog if you missed it and want to check it out. For the life of me, I could not decide whether I wanted to share about my miscarriage or not. It felt too raw. Even up until the morning of, I was trying to decide. I had written out what I was going to say. It didn't feel like enough. But in light of what we were talking about, it didn't seem right to add more.

So, maybe this is a better place to put down what I wish I could have said. What I wish could have been summed up in that tiny paragraph.

This past year has been a complete turn around for me.

I wrote a couple of very raw posts that never saw the light on facebook. I only made myself vulnerable to those that are my true followers. (Shout out to the 7 of you that I know are reading.) You can find those by searching by the "miscarriage" label if you are super curious. But the point of this post isn't about where I was as much as where I am now and the process that I went through to get here.

During the last 2 (almost 3! Wow!) years, I questioned everything I had ever been taught about God. Even His existence. I consider this my darkest time. My most alone time. I wanted very much for God to rescue me and make it all better. I didn't want to grieve. I didn't want to think about it. But that never happened. I was forced to face the fact that my baby was not going to have a breath here on earth and that God was the One that allowed this to happen. I had no desire to seek God out.

So He sought me. And He used you to do it.

It started right away.

I had a friend drop of a special gift and literally hug and cry with me. My birthday was 2 weeks after I lost the baby and several of my closest friends took time off to go away with me to celebrate. One friend brought me meals for my freezer and gave me books that helped her through her time of loss. (Seriously yall, I did not want to get up some days. Those meals were great!) Several friends were willing to let me talk through the most painful times and not once did they try to offer advice or pretend to know what I was going through. Several of you shared your stories with me to encourage me and let me know that I am not alone. One friend sent me a sweet ribbon in memory of my baby. Others have sent cards, texts, and emails to let me know that they haven't forgotten about my sweet baby.

During this time, I had a very special conversation that I really consider the place that my heart started to let down the wall I had put up with God.  I had asked someone special to me how to move forward. I felt so stuck. I wanted to cry and miss my baby, but I also wanted to have joy because of the new life that I was carrying at the time. And was it ok that I wanted to do both? And in the mean time, did God really love me? Me. Specifically. And how. I wanted to feel His love in a tangible way. At the time, I listened and gleaned the wisdom imparted to me. All while sobbing through my sandwich. (This whole conversation took place at lunch at a homeschool convention.) As I look back, I have no doubt that even that conversation was God telling me that He loved me which is ironic since that was one of the things I was asking about.

Another friend shared with me how she realized that her children are simply on loan to her from God. That He knows how much time that they have on this earth and while she doesn't know how long that is, she surrenders her children to Him. What an amazing testimony?!

One other way God spoke to me was through music. One of my closest friends had said to me that she thought music was going to bring me healing. I laughed at her at the time. But after that it seemed like I kept finding songs that held how I felt. Here are a few of the ones that helped me through that time.

The first one was Give Me Faith. I shared about that one here.

Shortly after that I found these two songs by Plumb. I Need You Now and I Want You Here.

Draw me Nearer by Meredith Andrews

My favorite one of all of them is What I Know by Tricia because I found it when I really had no doubt that if I hung on to what I know then I would one day feel His presence again.

God used you guys to draw me back to Him! I thank Him for all of you!

Today I was in a Bible study where I was reminded of how God wants a relationship with me. He desires a deep intimate relationship with me. And when I sat there and thought about how I wanted that with Him, I realized that my heart had changed. I'm not sure specifically when my heart changed. I definitely see times that I was trying to change. But today I know my heart is in a good place. I no longer feel angry or bitter. Or wounded. But at peace.

That's not to say I don't grieve my baby. My baby would have turned 2 in August. It makes me sad to think about missed days. Missed firsts. Missed lasts. Boo-boos to kiss. Fingers to count.

It is to say, though, that God has walked me through the dark valley and I am finally once again walking where I feel Him walking with me and know that He does love me and care for me. And I don't think I would be in this place if it wasn't for all of you. Thank you.

Back From Colorado

We just got back from the longest drive we have ever taken our girls on. While Google says the trip to Pueblo should take about 17 hours, it took us more like 20.

On our way out, we stopped to visit with Adam's coach/dean of men from Vennard. Adam and I always enjoyed he and his wife's company when we were at school and since we were passing through there town, we called them up. It was such a great little visit.

We finally made it to Michael and Rachel's just in time to see Michael at his store and then go back to their house to put the girls to bed for the night. Then, Michael and I went over to church and practiced for Sunday.

The week flew by as each day had something fun.

We hung out with Rachel's family. (The girls made a craft with Rachel and her mom, June.)

We had Christmas together. 

We toured Pueblo.

We visited Focus on the Family's Whit's End and Adventures in Odyssey exhibit.

We drove through the garden of the gods.

We rode the cog-rail up to Pike's Peak. (Although, we couldn't go all the way to the top because the snow plow was broken and there was snow on the tracks.)

We met up with college friend's Derrick and Renee and their family for dinner. It was nice to catch up and hear what they are up to!

We picnic'd at Uplift Mountain and watched Adam do some of the obstacle course. (I was going to post the videos, but my phone is taking too long to upload them.)

We walked around Bishop's Castle.

We relaxed. 

We took some fun pictures.

It was a fun-filled week visiting with Michael and Rachel. 

On the way home, we stopped in Missouri and saw some more friends. We played some Cash and Guns and talked about life. (This seriously was one turn. Do you see how many guns were pointed at me?)

We drove the last 6 hours and arrived home with plenty of time to unpack and do laundry. :)
It was great to get away, see family and friends, and be rejuvenated.

The Last 4 Weeks

It has been a fabulous 4 weeks.  Today has been hard because not only is life back to normal, but I woke up with a terrible head cold. My main reason for writing today though is to catch you up on what has been going on here.

About 6 weeks ago Adam found out that he was heading to St Louis for work the week before Thanksgiving so we headed there with him to see my parents before they jump into bell ringing season.

It was such a great visit. My Dad has mono and while I feel bad for him, I was glad to get some extra time with him since usually he stays super busy during our visits. The girls loved seeing their Papa and Nana. Kaylee helped Nana decorate the Christmas tree.

We had Christmas together while we were there and Mom and Dad got Kaylee Rapunzel from her favorite "Princess Movie". It also came with a matching dress. She loves that doll!

After our wonderful visit with my parents, we went home to do laundry and re-pack to head to Minnesota for Thanksgiving. First stop was Adam's Aunt and Uncle's house. We had a great visit with them and then headed further north to visit our best friends Meggan and Trevor. Kaylee and Addison were fast friends.

We did a lot of relaxing and playing and dancing and laughing! The boys gave us some time off and we did the same for them. We had such a great visit and it made me wonder why we live so far away from one another.

After our few days with the Schwirtz's we started making our journey home by spending a night with our great friends Casey and Daniel. We spent the evening eating this amazing soup that Casey made and playing some Tichu. Adam and I won and I am pretty certain this is the first time we have ever won as a team.

We got home at about 8 pm from our trip and so I unpacked, cleaned, and got the girls into bed while Adam took his Grandma home. (She had ridden with us to Minnesota to spend Thanksgiving with Adam's Aunt and Uncle. - She is brave for traveling with us.) The very next morning I ran to get groceries because our awesome friends Kim and Chris were coming to visit for a night. 

Ella had a ton of fun with Brayden. She really wanted to keep up with him as he was crawling everywhere leaving her in the dust.

We played lots of games in their one night stay. I was so glad they came to visit!

The morning the Hoch's left was a pretty somber event for me because I knew life was going to slow down and get back to normal. I decided to take a 3 hour nap to delay the inevitable. Good thing I did! That evening my brother Michael and his wife Rachel showed up for a week long stay. 

We went shopping, took pictures, played games, ate great food, and sang lots! I was extremely grateful that they flew out to visit! We recorded two songs while we were together. You can find them here and here.

These last four weeks have been such a huge blessing and makes me ever so grateful as we go into this Christmas season. Thanks to all of you for allowing us to be a part of your lives! We love you and miss you already!

Our Christmas Letter

Every year I try to send out a Christmas letter. Some years I have successfully made time and effort for this endeavor, but this year is just not one of those years. So, as I find myself with only days before Christmas I have decided to write my letter just for you.

Dear Family and Friends,

This year has gone by crazy fast! I simply cannot believe that it is almost Christmas! Fortunately, the year did not bring about big changes to our lives, but several small ones.

First change - We have an one year old now! Kaylee has grown up so much over the year! She is no longer our little baby that needs us for everything.  She still is and always will be our baby girl, but we are reminded constantly through the newborns of friends that our daughter is no longer a baby.  She started the year barely crawling and now is running around after the cat.  She was just starting to get her first tastes of food and now is very close to feeding herself properly with a fork or spoon. (By properly I mean I don't need to get out a hose for clean-up.) She was drinking from a bottle, but now drinks from a sippy cup. She was just cooing, but now is saying lots of words.  She has just developed and grown so much as I know she will continue to do in the years to come. These quick developmental changes make things go by so much faster.

Second change - We found out we were pregnant again!  (Some may think this is a big change, but for me being pregnant is a small change. Once the baby comes, then it will be a big change.) This pregnancy is flying by with the year it seems.  Maybe because Kaylee keeps me on my toes.  I just know that I am coming to the end and seeing all that I still need to get done, hoping that I am able to get it all in before baby number two makes her arrival. We have between 8-12 weeks left.  Kaylee came at 39 weeks. Maybe this kid will be late. We will see!

Third change - My brother is married! We are thrilled to welcome Rachel into our family!  We were able to spend Thanksgiving with my brother and his new wife and I must say that they made the visit so much fun!  I love spending time with Michael, but it was also so exciting to get to spend some time getting to know Rachel better!  Welcome to the family, Rachel! 

Fourth change - New friends!  God has truly blessed us with some great new friendships this year!  I think of our home group that is a bunch of people that we already knew, but that we have gotten to truly have relationships with.  I think of our new youth pastor and his wife and I cannot tell you how often they have been blessing to me already in just the short few months I have known them.  I think of another couple that we have loved learning new games with.  It's been a long time since we have had friends that we are a couple that we can play games with.  I think of another couple that we enjoy having conversation with as they are just a fun loving couple.  All of these friendships added to the constant growth in our other relationships, have made this year a blast!

Fifth change - Adam got his PHR! (Professional Human Resources) After months of preparation for the test and weeks of pre-tests and anxiety, he passed the test!  I could not be more thrilled for my husband! He was so nervous, which is so unlike him when it comes to classes and tests.  Essentially this is just to make him worth more professionally. He calls it a club that he has joined.  Either way, I am super proud of him!

As our year comes to a close, I look ahead and see HUGE changes on the horizon.  I know God has so much in store for us and I cannot wait to see how He moves in our lives in 2011.  May this new year bring many blessings to you all!

Love,
Adam, Krista, Kaylee, and Baby #2.

Top 10 Things I am Thankful For

This time of year makes people stop and think about everything that they are thankful for.  (Hence THANKSgiving.)  So this year I may only give 1 thing that I am grateful for when it comes to be my turn at the table, but for you...

Here are my

Top 10 Things I am Thankful For

1. Jesus - He is, after all, my Savior, protector, strength, provider, and love of my life! He is my hope and the reason that I live. I am undeserving of the love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness that he offers to me. I am so thankful for Him.

2. My Husband Adam - He puts up with my good and my bad. He loves and cherishes me. He is a great husband and father and I am so grateful that God brought Him into my life and gave Him to me.

3. Kaylee and my baby #2 - Kaylee is such a joy and delight to my life. Her laughter and her babbling make our home so much more exciting. I am so thankful for her. My little baby #2 (still no name) is also such a wonderful addition to my life. She moves consistently throughout the day and has actually tickled me a few times with her movement. I am thankful for her.

4. My Family - They have been my closest friends and confidants over the years. They are the ones that made me who I am.  My parents taught me what a woman of God looks like.  My brother has been a best friend and has helped me mature and shape my thoughts on life.  I am grateful for my family!

5. My Friends - My friends have had such a huge impact on my life. They have helped me through difficult times and have been there for me during the great times. They never leave my side and I am so glad I know them and that they gave me that chance. I am so very thankful for my friends!

6. My House - It is my place of refuge after a long day and it is mine. It is decorated in a way that makes me feel at home. My house is my home and I am so thankful for it.

7. My Job - My kids this year are amazing! I have been at this job for several years now and I am so thankful for my great group of kids!  These kids really make "going to work" great! I am so thankful for my job and for my kids!

8. My Church - I am super happy with our church. The people and the pastoral staff make it a phenomenal place to worship and I am so grateful for my church.

9. Food - What can I say? I love food. I am so glad that I have never had to go without food and that I am able to have traditions such as Thanksgiving dinner. I am thankful for food.

10. Readers - I am grateful for all of you. It makes writing a blog much more enjoyable. Thanks for reading!

Joyful Moment of the Day: I get to be with my family today. I am so very very happy to be with them today!

Can't Believe my Brother is Married

Since I have had time to contemplate the weekend, I now see that I really still can't believe my brother is married, let alone old enough to be married.  I remember when Michael was born.  It was not an exciting event for me as a 5 year old.  I remember getting to pick out my own clothes and my mom not being super excited about Dad letting me dress myself.  My least favorite thing about Michael's birth was that he was allergic to everything.  I had a cat named Ben and I LOVED him.  Michael came and that meant giving Ben away to a farmer.  I was not very happy with having a baby in the house.

Over the past 23 years we have definitely had our ups and downs.  I had a thing for scaring Michael any chance I got and he had at thing for getting me into trouble.  We fought like cats and dogs as kids.  When I left for college, Michael and I started getting along and talking more like adults.  We became fast, close friends.  We were able to attend school together for a while and sing on a praise team together.  Great memories have been made over the past several years with my brother.

As he is now a married man, I am excited to see how our relationship changes and grows.  I also look forward to getting to know Rachel better and having her as a part of the family.

Congratulations Michael and Rachel!

Joyful Moment of the Day: Watching a movie in an air conditioned house.

Michael's Big Wedding Weekend

The weekend started off early Thursday morning.  We landed in Denver at about 8 am.  We went to Michael's apartment as soon as we got into town and Michael talked me into riding with him and Daniel to pick up Lori from the airport.  Adam took Kaylee and went with my parents back to the hotel to put Kaylee down for a nap while I ran with Michael and Daniel.  Lori was so fun to meet and get to know!  She is so vibrant and exciting!  I am really happy for Daniel.  He found a really great girl!  I was really glad I went with them so I could get to know her without everyone else around.  That afternoon Adam and I took Kaylee swimming and then spent the evening with my parents, Mema and Pepa, and Nannie and Aunt Shelia.

Friday was a little bit of a crazy day.  We went to Time Well Spent's warehouse and then went to lunch with Mema and Pepa.  Friday afternoon I went with Dad to Target and then went back to the hotel and Michael and all the guys picked me up to run errands with them before the rehearsal.  It was fun to hang out with Skylar, Michael, and Daniel again!  They are goofy when they are together.  I laugh a lot with all of them!  It was also fun to see Kenyon and Matt!  I spent some time with Michael chatting about stress and what not and then we finally headed back for the rehearsal.  The rehearsal started later than expected, but was pretty quick.  There was a whole fiasco with Daniel and Skylar missing the rehearsal, but that is for another time.  After the rehearsal was dinner at Annie's Diner and it was super yummy!  Friday night ended with a great practice with our college praise team which consisted of Daniel, Skylar, Jonie, Michael, and myself.  It was a long night, but great memories were created and I will forever be grateful for that time together.

Saturday we met Uncle Joel, Aunt Pam, their kids, Papa, Grandma, Uncle David, Uncle Dennis, Mom, Dad, and Aunt Shelia for lunch.  It was fun to catch up with them.  Then, we went back to the hotel and got ready for the wedding.  The wedding was beautiful and a great example of Michael and Rachel's love for God.  After the wedding and the reception we went back to the hotel and put Kaylee to bed for the night.  Mom and Dad kept an eye on her while Adam and I played boardgames with Nic and Allison downstairs.  After a few games we went to Village Inn with Michael, Rachel, and the wedding party.  It was so much fun to hang out and have one more memorable moment before heading out the next day.

Sunday we packed up, ate a quick breakfast, and then headed home.  It was a long day ending a long weekend.  I was tired and napped as soon as we got home.

I am so happy for Michael and Rachel!  It was a fun weekend, too short, but really fun!

Joyful Moment of the Day:  My brother is a married man!

Weekends, Weddings, and Whatnots

It has been really hard this last few days not to be looking to the future.  There is just so many super fun things that I am looking forward to.  Next Friday is my last day of work until August. June 5 my brother is getting married and so we will be celebrating that with he and his future bride in Denver.  Plus I will get to see some great friends and family while there.  Then, my 5th anniversary is June 25th. Kaylee's 1st birthday is June 29th. Then, in July is my grandparent's 50th anniversary which means we will be heading to South Dakota for that.  In the process of going there we will get to spend some time with more great friends and family!  It is going to be a great summer!!!  So, as I sit here with anticipation I try to remain in the here and now and all that I need to accomplish today.

Joyful Moment of the Day: Hearing Kaylee call my name from her crib this morning when she was ready to get up. :)