God Used You

Recently Adam and I shared our stories with our church family. Adam posted our "script" over on his blog if you missed it and want to check it out. For the life of me, I could not decide whether I wanted to share about my miscarriage or not. It felt too raw. Even up until the morning of, I was trying to decide. I had written out what I was going to say. It didn't feel like enough. But in light of what we were talking about, it didn't seem right to add more.

So, maybe this is a better place to put down what I wish I could have said. What I wish could have been summed up in that tiny paragraph.

This past year has been a complete turn around for me.

I wrote a couple of very raw posts that never saw the light on facebook. I only made myself vulnerable to those that are my true followers. (Shout out to the 7 of you that I know are reading.) You can find those by searching by the "miscarriage" label if you are super curious. But the point of this post isn't about where I was as much as where I am now and the process that I went through to get here.

During the last 2 (almost 3! Wow!) years, I questioned everything I had ever been taught about God. Even His existence. I consider this my darkest time. My most alone time. I wanted very much for God to rescue me and make it all better. I didn't want to grieve. I didn't want to think about it. But that never happened. I was forced to face the fact that my baby was not going to have a breath here on earth and that God was the One that allowed this to happen. I had no desire to seek God out.

So He sought me. And He used you to do it.

It started right away.

I had a friend drop of a special gift and literally hug and cry with me. My birthday was 2 weeks after I lost the baby and several of my closest friends took time off to go away with me to celebrate. One friend brought me meals for my freezer and gave me books that helped her through her time of loss. (Seriously yall, I did not want to get up some days. Those meals were great!) Several friends were willing to let me talk through the most painful times and not once did they try to offer advice or pretend to know what I was going through. Several of you shared your stories with me to encourage me and let me know that I am not alone. One friend sent me a sweet ribbon in memory of my baby. Others have sent cards, texts, and emails to let me know that they haven't forgotten about my sweet baby.

During this time, I had a very special conversation that I really consider the place that my heart started to let down the wall I had put up with God.  I had asked someone special to me how to move forward. I felt so stuck. I wanted to cry and miss my baby, but I also wanted to have joy because of the new life that I was carrying at the time. And was it ok that I wanted to do both? And in the mean time, did God really love me? Me. Specifically. And how. I wanted to feel His love in a tangible way. At the time, I listened and gleaned the wisdom imparted to me. All while sobbing through my sandwich. (This whole conversation took place at lunch at a homeschool convention.) As I look back, I have no doubt that even that conversation was God telling me that He loved me which is ironic since that was one of the things I was asking about.

Another friend shared with me how she realized that her children are simply on loan to her from God. That He knows how much time that they have on this earth and while she doesn't know how long that is, she surrenders her children to Him. What an amazing testimony?!

One other way God spoke to me was through music. One of my closest friends had said to me that she thought music was going to bring me healing. I laughed at her at the time. But after that it seemed like I kept finding songs that held how I felt. Here are a few of the ones that helped me through that time.

The first one was Give Me Faith. I shared about that one here.

Shortly after that I found these two songs by Plumb. I Need You Now and I Want You Here.

Draw me Nearer by Meredith Andrews

My favorite one of all of them is What I Know by Tricia because I found it when I really had no doubt that if I hung on to what I know then I would one day feel His presence again.

God used you guys to draw me back to Him! I thank Him for all of you!

Today I was in a Bible study where I was reminded of how God wants a relationship with me. He desires a deep intimate relationship with me. And when I sat there and thought about how I wanted that with Him, I realized that my heart had changed. I'm not sure specifically when my heart changed. I definitely see times that I was trying to change. But today I know my heart is in a good place. I no longer feel angry or bitter. Or wounded. But at peace.

That's not to say I don't grieve my baby. My baby would have turned 2 in August. It makes me sad to think about missed days. Missed firsts. Missed lasts. Boo-boos to kiss. Fingers to count.

It is to say, though, that God has walked me through the dark valley and I am finally once again walking where I feel Him walking with me and know that He does love me and care for me. And I don't think I would be in this place if it wasn't for all of you. Thank you.

Little Old Me

Lately I have been seriously struggling with grief over losing sweet baby D. Yes, I know it has been over a year. Yes, I know I have my beautiful little Charlotte to love. Yes, I am grateful for each of my children. But there is a hole. A part of me missing.

My grief is also tied into my personal walk with God. The best way I have found to word how I feel, is actually from a song by Chris Brown called "Give Me Faith". I don't remember much about the song as a whole, but the chorus goes like this:

"Give me faith, to trust what you say, that you're good and your love is great.
I'm broken inside, I give you my life."

My struggle has been that I simply want to feel God's love. I know that my relationship with God is more than emotions and about having faith.  But in these moments. Where all I feel like doing is sobbing. And holding my heart out to God asking Him to mend the broken parts. Wanting so badly for Him to pull me into a hug and tell me He loves me. The emotion is what I yearn for. That feeling, that He cares about little old me.

I know He is good. I know His love is great. I need faith to trust in that. That that faith will be enough for me until He reveals His presence to me.

This is the song I mentioned, if you would like to take a listen:

A Renewed Kind of Love

Recently I have tried something new. In the midst of whatever kind of day I am having, I pick up the closest of my little girls and simply whisper "I love you very much" to them. Their response is one that ultimately brings tears to my eyes. They give me a HUGE smile, wrap their arms around me, and give me a bear hug.

As I stood in the kitchen holding my almost 5 year old Kaylee, I contemplated the miracles that each of my children are. 

I loved my girls before they were ever born. Through 9 months of carrying them. Feeling them move. Seeing and hearing their hearts beat. Delivering them. Seeing them for the first time. I did not think my love could be greater than that.

Until we lost sweet baby D.

My love for my children, which can sometimes be skewed by my own sinful nature and by their bad behavior, was renewed. And so much more than I could ever imagine.

And I am reminded that life is such a miracle. And should not be taken for granted. 

So, try it. Pick up one of your children. Tell them you love them. When they least expect it.  Let their response bring joy to your day. Save their response in your heart.

One Year

A year ago today we lost our 3rd baby.

As I look at my Charlotte, I cannot fathom not ever knowing her. My heart overflows with delight and love for her. She stirs emotions in my heart that are at times overwhelming. A sense of overwhelming joy.  I have never given much thought to how Noah must have felt when that rainbow appeared until now.

Rain for 40 days and nights would be so tiring and depressing. I can barely make it through a week of rain before I start grumbling about it. And to go through all of that rain and finally set foot on dry land and see that beautiful rainbow break through the clouds... remarkable. A moment of sheer unspeakable joy. Now I know in Noah's case, it was literal rain, but for me life's storms and real storms both bring out the darkest emotions in me. And when that storm finally eases up. And the sunshine barely peeks out of the clouds just enough to present one of the most beautiful displays of color the world has ever seen. My heart soars knowing the storm has passed if just for a moment. One moment to breathe and thank God for such a beautiful moment.

That beautiful rainbow is my Charlotte.

And as I reflect on the storm. And the depth of pain and heartache that came with it. And remember my sweet baby that I will never see this side of eternity. I thank God for my little rainbow. The rainbow that would have never existed if I hadn't faced that storm.

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

As I sit here relishing the tumbling going on inside of my womb done by your sister, I think of you. It is natural for me to think of you right now. If you were the one inside of my belly, it would be about time for you to make your appearance. My bag would be packed. Our house would be covered in baby items. Totally prepared for your arrival.

My heart hurts this evening. Not just for the days that I will not get with you, but also for all of the other Momma's out there that have endured the same heartache and tragedy of losing their baby. Those first moments that are so special that we miss out on. That first adorable smile. Your first little giggle. The first tear. Your first tooth. The soft baby skin and smell. The way your feet kick as you get excited. The way your hand wraps around my finger.

And while those things will never come to be between you and me, my sweet baby, I still ponder them in my heart.

Missing you makes me long for the day when I can see you in Heaven. When I can wrap my arms around you. And see you with Jesus.  These things make my heart smile.

My dear sweet baby, I love you so much.

You will always be a part of me.

Love,
Momma

Pregnancy After Loss

Over the last two weeks I have spent a lot of time thinking about the baby that we lost. It is surreal to think about the fact that in order for this baby to have life, my other baby had to die. This little one in my womb would have never been had my third baby survived.

Monday night I felt this baby move for the first time. This is the best feeling in the world, whether you have lost another child or not. If you ask any expecting mother what her favorite part about being pregnant, her answer will most likely be feeling the baby move. Monday night. For me. It was so much more. It was relief. Followed by longing of the baby I never felt move. Joy. And truly my first real sense of excitement about being pregnant again.

I know to some that may seem strange. But honestly this pregnancy is so different than my other pregnancies. Having never experienced pregnancy loss before, I looked at my other pregnancies as "when". Like when I am 12 weeks, I will finish this trimester. When I am 20 weeks, I should start showing. Losing our precious 3rd baby has made this an "if" pregnancy. If I make it to 12 weeks, my chances of miscarrying drop significantly. If I make it to 18 weeks, we get to find out what we are having. It is not intentional. I am not living in fear. Or worry. It just is how it is. It is just different.

A good way to describe it is that I am all of a sudden keenly aware that having a healthy pregnancy resulting in the birth of a healthy baby is a HUGE MIRACLE!

Even more so since Kaylee is super fascinated by the baby. There are some videos on Babycenter.com that show the weeks of pregnancy and in them they explain the different parts of development that take place during those weeks. Kaylee will ask me to watch these over and over. And each time we watch them I am more and more amazed at the intricate way God knits us together in the womb. Seriously. A miracle.

Hopefully, over the next few months my view will change and this pregnancy will have it's "whens." But if not, I will continue to enjoy and celebrate each little moment of this baby's life. No matter how long his or her life is. This baby is a miracle and I love him or her with all of my heart.

Heaven Is For Real

Have you read it?

It is a pretty quick read. And a very interesting story.

There were lots of things that made me believe that it was a true story. And a few things that made me think that maybe this family was just a little crazy.

Either way, I found it to be very comforting.  Specifically the chapter where the little boy, Colton, talks about meeting his sister that his parents had miscarried. In the story he talks about how this little girl ran up to him and just kept hugging him. He described to his parents the details of what she looks liked.  And how she told him she died in his Mommy's tummy.

Whether or not it is true, I found comfort in the mental image that it gave me. My sweet baby is in Heaven with Jesus and I firmly believe that. But before this chapter of this book I hadn't given much thought to what that meant.

My sweet baby got to avoid a life of heartache and pain and have a full life of joy and peace. Already with Jesus, I never have to worry about his or her spiritual walk. I picture him or her walking with Jesus and holding His hand along the way.

In this book, Colton had issues with every picture of Jesus until he saw one painted by another little girl that claims to have seen Heaven in visions. She painted this picture of Jesus at age 8. It is truly remarkable. If you want to see more art by this little girl, check it out here.

I recommend this book to anyone facing loss of any kind. Not for the truth that it holds necessarily, but for the comfort that it brings the heart through thinking through the possibilities that Heaven holds.

What ifs...

Last night while I was rocking Elanor, I had a major break down. Above Ella's changing table is a picture of when I was pregnant with Kaylee. It hit me that Ella could be my last "baby". My last time being pregnant.

And then the what ifs started.

What if:
-I never have a rainbow baby*?
-I never heal completely from my loss?
-God wants our family to be complete?

I know the what if game is not good to play, but I couldn't stop it. It was unexpected. Started too quickly for me to logically talk myself out of playing.

Running to my bed, I cried out to God and hid under the covers from any scary truths that might loom around the bend.

Adam found me. Listened to my heart. And held my hand as I sobbed.

The truth is I do not know what is to come. I do not see the big picture. I do trust God in spite of not understanding. But is my heart prepared for the outcome? I am not sure.

The number one thing that losing the baby has taught me... I am NOT in control. God is.

I love control. Control over schedule. Control over cleaning. Control over menu. Control gives me the reigns and lets me make decisions and keep things steady and only changing when I am ready and want it.

But God is in control. And I trust Him. He will get me through this.


* "A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth.

In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery."  (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Rainbow%20baby)

The Necklace

Sadly, our society would say that what I lost was not really a baby.

I am sorry, but society, you are wrong.

That was my baby.

One that would have unique DNA composed from Adam and my genes. Most likely looking more like Adam because let's face it, both of my girls look like their handsome Daddy.

If I were to guess, I would say another blond haired blue eyed girl. Adam kept telling me he thought it was a girl. And while I hoped it was a boy, deep down I think it was a girl too. Maybe she would have been my little athlete. Getting all of her Daddy's mad skills at sports. She definitely would have been tall like her sisters. They have both been in the 90's on the percentile charts in height since they were born. I have no doubt she would have been the same.

These last couple of weeks I have not blogged much about the baby, but it is not that I haven't thought about him or her. I am just truly trying to work through my grief and sometimes I would rather not talk about it.

Some days are really hard. I just want to curl up and ignore the world. Not easy to do with my 3 year old and 1 year old, but nevertheless that is what I want to do. Some days I find it so easy to praise the Lord for the blessing of knowing the baby if just for a moment.

Praise vs anger. Hope vs grief.

These are my daily battles.

I started this post simply to tell you that I love my necklace that I got to help me remember the baby. (I got a little sidetracked. I know.) It  has helped me to remember that I was pregnant. With a beautiful little baby. That God loves.

And some days, that is all I need to get me through the day.

(There are several websites that offer jewelry for infant loss. My necklace is from LaBelleDame.com and each letter on my necklace is individually stamped by hand.)

Follow-Up Appt

Yesterday was a hard day. I had my follow-up appointment for my miscarriage. Since I talk very openly about the whole ordeal with my friends, I did not expect it to cause such turmoil the way it did.

My Dr kept asking me questions about how I am feeling and doing.

The appointment ended with me crying in the van on the way to pick up the girls.

When we got home there was a package by the front door. My necklace.

All in all, I thought a lot about the baby yesterday. And myself and where I am at with my grief.

Have you heard the song "Just Have to Wait" by Steven Curtis Chapman?

My friend bought me the CD (prior to my miscarriage) for Christmas and so the song itself is new to me. Basically it is a song about his daughter and having to wait to dance with her and see her smile again someday in Heaven.

So I just have to wait.
To see if my baby was a boy or girl.
To see which of us the baby looks like more.
To see the girls' response to their new sibling.
To hold my baby.
To tell my baby I love you.

I just have to wait.

And for that, I am thankful. Because if I didn't have my hope in Christ, I would not be seeing my baby someday. And I am not sure I could survive the grief without that hope.

Thank you Jesus. For all You did for me and still do in my life. I am lost without You.

Today I Praise

People say some interesting things. I know they mean well, but they come across so horribly.

This time the offender was someone very close to me.

My brother.

Basically, he told me that I need to find something to praise God for through losing the baby. I know you are thinking he is right. And I agree. But the timing was wrong. And I am still so confused and lost in what to think of God right now that I was not ready for those words to be said to me.

But.

This last Sunday Pastor Tom spoke on the massacre that happened when Herod decided to kill all of the  boys under two when he learned that he had been tricked by the magi. Again I found myself hearing those words that Michael said.

Jesus gave His life so that we can have eternal life one day with Him.

 In that promise, I know I will see my baby someday.

And while my heart is still broken. My spirit crushed. I praise God.

I praise Him for my husband and the strong support he has been. He has shown me compassion and love in some very sacrificial ways.

I praise Him for Kaylee and Elanor. They are the little miracles that He has entrusted to me. They bring so much joy to my daily life.

I praise Him for all of you. You have been so encouraging and supportive.

I kept wanting God to make me "feel" better and instead He has used Adam, the girls, and all of you to bring my heart comfort.

Today I praise.

6 Weeks Pregnant

Today I would have been 6 weeks pregnant. Today I lost my baby.

Did you know that at 5 weeks the baby's heart starts beating and pumping blood? (and yet some people choose to kill their baby after this!)

No words could express to you the deep amount of heartache that I feel right now.

Only tears.

For the last 10 months I have been praying for this baby. Begging God for one more little baby to make our family complete.

For the last 8 days, I have been dreaming about whether it would be a boy or a girl. Settling in my mind what it's name would be for each gender. Picturing myself holding the baby. Talking to him or her. Praying.
Coming up with unique ways to tell family and friends.

Thankfully, we had only told Adam's family.

Wednesday I went to a normal first Dr appt to get a due date, pee in a cup, and get the most updated info on nutrition and the hospital guidelines. The urine test came back negative so the nurse had me get some blood work drawn to double check. I chalked it up to my urine being so diluted, but cried the whole way back to picking up the girls. After a couple of hours I took another test that I had at home and it said that I was pregnant. Yesterday the Dr called to tell me that the blood HCG was positive and wanted me to test again today to make sure my levels were rising. After having the blood drawn, I started spotting. When the Dr called, she simply confirmed that this pregnancy was not going to last.

On Christmas Eve we were going to tell my family. I sewed an extra little pair of pajama pants and was going to act surprised by the final package under the tree and have my Momma open them.

At this very moment I am consumed by my tears of heartache and loss. My soul cries out. I am filled with anguish. Crying helps I think. Maybe because it captures all of the emotion I am feeling all at once and releases it.

I wrote all of that yesterday in a moment of much needed processing. So if it is jumbled and hard to understand, I don't really care. It is for myself that I wrote these things. To remember. To not forget. I love that baby. I want that baby. I prayed for that baby. Just as much as I do and did for my girls.

Last night my husband won an award in my mind. One that I tease him about not having. Last night he showed me compassion. He held me for a very long time and just let me cry. He rubbed my back and simply listened to my sobbing. Thanks Adam for that. It was what I needed. I am sure I will probably need it again.

Kaylee asked me last night why I lost the baby. I am not sure. I asked Adam the same question in my blubbering.

But today. I cling to the promise that God heals the brokenhearted. A Facebook friend posted Psalm 147:3 this morning on his status. It says, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

Baby 3

Maternity clothes. Pregnant women. Baby clothes.

All reminders of what I won't have on August 16, 2013.

Sadness overwhelms my spirit.

Even when I am enjoying myself.

A part of me is missing.

My baby.

Baby 3.

A Week

A week ago I today I found out that I lost our 3rd baby.

It has been the hardest week of my life.

I think the most difficult part for me is how fresh and raw the pain is to me and not to anyone else. The baby was a part of me.

The pain and crying comes through out the day. During times when I least expect it. A simple word. A small thought. Little things that remind me of my loss.

I was so anxious to tell my family and my excitement for Christmas Eve and Christmas made the holidays themselves really difficult. (Sorry again for being cranky.)

It has helped to be with family, away from home. Lots of distractions and other people to keep me occupied and busy.

As our vacation comes to an end, I find myself getting nervous about the amount of time that I will be spending alone once we are home. At some point I will have to quit avoiding the pain and face it head on. And simply grieve.

Writing helps me process. And remember. So as I go through this, please bear with me.

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." Psalms 126:5