Over the last year, I have fallen in love with corporate worship.
For months, we had lazy Sundays of jammie church and coffee.
Honestly, I wasn't sure I wanted to break that trend when our church announced that it would be opening it's doors again.
Sundays had become a routine.
We would watch the sermon and maybe sing a song.
When I signed up for church the first week that we could attend and I stood with the smaller congregation and listened to the singing of others around me, I sobbed like a baby.
We are meant to worship together. To do church together.
Hearing other sing, even with muffled voices thanks to the masks.
I knew I needed to be there.
I know I need to be there. With you.
God has been revealing Himself to me this year. I want more and more of Him. I am thankful for those in my life who are seeking Him, pursuing Him with me. I love the church.
We try to find our value in so many things. Our looks. Our careers. Our relationships.
It is one of my deepest struggles.
I know my value is found in the Lord. But knowing and hiding it in my heart to dwell on are two very different things.
Recently our pastor was preaching on Isaiah 43. My takeaway had nothing to do with what he was preaching about and everything to do with the passage.
He has redeemed me. He has summoned me by name. I am His. He is with me through waters, rivers and fire. He is the Lord my God. My Savior. I am precious and honored in His sight. He loves me. He is with me. I have been called, created, formed and made for His glory.
This passage applies to me through Jesus and I must dwell on it.
My value is found in Him and Him alone.
Everything here is so fleeting. Temporary.
Yet my heart sways and follows the temporary.
May this be an area that I grow in this year.
That I would see myself as who I am in Christ more and more each day.
This morning I woke up to my name being yelled out by one of my girls. Now, let me start by saying that this is not the way to wake me up and my girls know it. If they are barfing, then they can holler. But if they have a bad dream or are scared about something, they are to come in and talk to me. That's the wake up in the middle of the night routine. So, all of that to say, I woke up pretty growly.
Ferociously, I enter Ella's room grumpily asking her why she is yelling across the house. She immediately responded with crying. (I know, mother of the year over here.) I took a deep breath and calmly asked her why she was yelling for me and why she was crying.
She then tells me that she had a terrible nightmare; a tornado came through our house and I died.
Now, the interesting thing about all of this, is that she doesn't know that my mom had a pet scan yesterday to check out a mass they found on a CT scan last week and I had spent the better part of yesterday praying that God would heal the mass and make it disappear or that it would be anything easily remedied and not more cancer. But ultimately, His will be done.
I looked her in the eyes and I said, "Ella, if that happened, two things would take place that I am certain of. One is that God would bring people to you to love on you and take care of you. People would come and hold you and tell you it will be ok. He will send them and they will be here in every way that you need them. And two I would be in Heaven with Jesus and since you believe in Jesus, I would see you again someday."
We talked a few more minutes through tears about the joy of eternity and then I went on to say the same things from my perspective.
"My mom is dying. When she does die, whether soon or ten years from now, I am certain that God will provide for me during my grief and that I will see her again some day. My mom has a personal relationship with God. She knows that Jesus died for her sins and that He rose again. She loves Him and serves Him with every fiber of her being and I am certain that when her time comes she will be in heaven with our Lord and Savior. She will no longer be in pain. She will no longer be suffering. And when that time comes, that will bring my heart joy in the midst of tragedy."
As I crawled back into my bed and contemplated this timely conversation with Ella, sleep eluded me. All the what if's started to plague my thoughts. I replayed my conversation with Ella and was at peace with what is to come. I prayed for a while and thought about the words to the song "It is Well" by Bethel music until sleep finally came.
My best friend sent me a text that said, "I will keep praying for healing."
And there it was.
"Do you believe that I can heal your Momma this side of Heaven?"
I was just this morning praising God for His being the Healer and the Great Physician.
I think it comes down to this. I do believe He can heal her. I am just not sure it will be on earth.
Maybe it is the prepared part of me. The part that likes to know what is coming. The part that cannot mentally or emotionally handle my Momma dying. It's the same reason I needed to know before giving birth that I was having girl after girl. I need time to process. Praise the Lord that in this case, I have time.
But does my preparedness mean that my faith is inadequate? It's just so complex.
I struggle with the balance. Believing and trusting. Processing. Still believing. Actively believing.
The Almighty God be glorified. No matter what.
Psalm 69
1
Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
2
I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
3
I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.
4
Those who hate me without reason
outnumber the hairs of my head;
many are my enemies without cause,
those who seek to destroy me.
I am forced to restore
what I did not steal.
5
You, God, know my folly;
my guilt is not hidden from you.
6
Lord, the Lord Almighty,
may those who hope in you
not be disgraced because of me;
God of Israel,
may those who seek you
not be put to shame because of me.
7
For I endure scorn for your sake,
and shame covers my face.
8
I am a foreigner to my own family,
a stranger to my own mother’s children;
9
for zeal for your house consumes me,
and the insults of those who insult you fall on me.
10
When I weep and fast,
I must endure scorn;
11
when I put on sackcloth,
people make sport of me.
12
Those who sit at the gate mock me,
and I am the song of the drunkards.
13
But I pray to you, Lord,
in the time of your favor;
in your great love, O God,
answer me with your sure salvation.
14
Rescue me from the mire,
do not let me sink;
deliver me from those who hate me,
from the deep waters.
15
Do not let the floodwaters engulf me
or the depths swallow me up
or the pit close its mouth over me.
16
Answer me, Lord, out of the goodness of your love;
These past 4 weeks we have been doing a Bible study on faith during turbulent times. I feel as though I learned so much. It felt good to be back in the word, digging into what is meant.
It feels good to see my faith where it is now. To be going through this stuff with my parents and to truly rely on God. Especially looking back to the last few years. Seeing where I was. Deeply wounded and hurt and out of desperation seeking God and questioning His very existence. To now. Once again feeling loss and heartache with my Momma's diagnosis. Only now, I rely on His existence. The hope He offers me. It doesn't change the anguish that I feel over knowing that my time with my Momma is precious. But this life here is not my eternal home. It's temporary. Praise the Lord.
This study was such a great reminder to me that God is with me. He was with me back in October and November when we found out the cancer had returned. He is with me even now as I tear up and write this. He is with me in the future when our time together here does end.
It also reminded me that my eyes should be focused on Jesus. By fixing my eyes on Him I am able to endure and persevere no matter what my circumstances are.
And faith isn't just believing. It involves action. It's actively believing. It's the inward assurance of what we hope for and the outward action in response to what we do not see. Faith is confidently expecting our Heavenly Father to do what He promised.
John 16:33 is the promise I cling to.
It says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
What great encouragement! He has overcome the world.
2015 was a mostly focused year. Moving was not a part of the original plan when the year began and so it was difficult to pack and move and keep up with my resolutions as a whole. As I look ahead to 2016, I am ready to jump back in with fresh hope that I can persevere.
After reading my resolutions from last year, there aren't really any that I want to change. I think I would like to be healthier both spiritually and physically and simpl continue to work towards those.
This fall, I enjoyed the Bible Study I was in by Linda Dillow. It was such a good study and challenged me beyond any other study that I have done. It was so practical and helpful. I hope that I can experience this kind of personal growth again this year.
Health wise, I would love to run at least 3 5k's. They are good goals to keep me focused. I would also like to figure out how to mix in the 21 day fix exercises so that I can also gain muscle in the process.
As 2016 approaches, what are some of your goals for the year?
These last couple of months have been super crazy. It started around the time the buyer's of our home wanted to move the closing date up by a week. That was the same day that I found out my momma's cancer was back. The very next weekend was when the head gasket on our 15 year old van decided to go. When I was co-leading our women's retreat. The weekend after the retreat we moved. A week after we moved in, our heat went out in our (new to us) house and the HSA couldn't get someone out for a couple of days. The next week we replaced our van. And then our heat went out again this past weekend.
I tell you all of that, not to say "woe is me." Or to have you feel sorry for me. I tell you all of that to give glory to God for the amazing body of believers that He has given us to walk through carry us through the craziness.
When the buyer's moved our closing date up, 3 of my friends came over and helped pack us up. They got more packed that night than I could have done in a week by myself.
When my momma called with her news, one of my friends called me immediately to check-in to see how I was doing and stayed on the phone with me while I blubbered through the news. What a patient friend. This friend called and checked on me multiple days following that one. My husband left work early to come hold me even when I didn't ask him to. He sat there next to me while I sat in shock avoiding the subject. And later when the emotion overflowed, he held me and let me soak his shirt with my tears. What a man! Other friends have been great at texting, praying, and asking me how things are going. Not minding that my answer isn't "fine." One friend gave me a super cute pillow to hold whenever I need to just sit and cry. It totally matches my bedroom, too. A couple of other friends have hired a photographer to come take pictures of my family when we are all together for Christmas. What an amazing gift! Other family and friends have offered to buy plane tickets or offer points to fly so I can go be with my family. So overwhelmed by their generosity! When I couldn't be with my momma and daddy for the official news, my grandparents spent several days with them to keep them company while my dad waited. And they continue to be available to my parents when they need them.
When our head gasket blew on our van, we had family step in and offer us their cars until we could research and find a new one after we moved. Totally saw God's hand in this provision.
When I was at the women's retreat, friends showered me with some yummy treats and also with fun memories. What a great time to get away and shift my focus back on Jesus. When I got home, I was able to enjoy a date with my husband because family had taken the girls for the day.
When we moved, family watched our girls the whole weekend so that we could move without them underfoot. We had lots of friends come and help us move. Some came even if they were only available for a short bit. And others stayed for the whole day. All of the friends that helped also have families that were spending the day without them. What amazing friends to give up their family time as well as their Saturday to help us. Also, the weekend we moved was a gorgeous weekend. Hoodie weather. (The weekend we were to originally move on ended up being snowy, rainy, and icy all day long. Thanks Lord!) Several friends provided dinner during this week leading up to the move which was wonderful because I was able to have the kitchen packed up. Another friend came and helped me clean the night before the move. And a few friends helped take a few loads over that night before. One family member came and cleaned my new house for several hours on two separate occasions! It was a huge help!
When our heat went out, friends offered their heater to us if we wanted it. Family gave us fire wood for our fire place.
When we went to get our van, family watched the older two girls, making our test-drive much easier.
I am so very thankful to be a part of a community that picks us up when we are absolutely defeated and have nothing left to give. These last few years, God has definitely made it so clear to Adam and I that we need this community that we find in Him. His love overflows from His people.
A few weeks ago, my momma called to tell me that her cancer had returned. Maybe it wasn't that long ago. But it feels that long.
Her breast cancer has returned in her liver, her lungs, and her lymph nodes. Metastatic breast cancer. Now there is something you don't want to google.
Words simply cannot express my heartache.
My heart aches for my momma. Who is in a lot of pain. And is about to face one the toughest monsters on earth and try to beat it for the rest of her life. (No pressure or anything, mom, but I am rooting for that whole 32 years thing that you were saying about that one lady.)
My heart aches for my daddy. Who will stand by and hold my momma's hand as she faces the monster. Knowing that his days with the love of his life are numbered.
My heart aches for my girls. Who will only get a limited amount of time knowing their awesome nana.
My heart aches for me. Because, really, who am I going to call when I need paint colors? Or to give me advice? Or to just call and talk to about how we both hate talking on the phone?
The reality is that God could heal my mom. He is the only one who could.
But even if He chooses not to. I praise Him. Because I know that my momma still has some time. Not enough. But time nonetheless. And I am so thankful for that.
Guys, my mom is pretty great. Growing up, she would jump on beds with us and make us laugh like no other. Even hide to scare me so that I would stop scaring my brother. (I may or may not have been 17 at this point.What can I say? I still love scaring Michael.) She cooks some of the world's best food. (I mean I am seriously bummed that I didn't get any of her pie today!) She taught me the most important parts of being a mom and a wife. (Especially balancing family life while keeping the house clean.) And how to be a really good friend. (Relationships require give and take.) And I would not be who I am today if it were not for her.
Recently Adam and I shared our stories with our church family. Adam posted our "script" over on his blog if you missed it and want to check it out. For the life of me, I could not decide whether I wanted to share about my miscarriage or not. It felt too raw. Even up until the morning of, I was trying to decide. I had written out what I was going to say. It didn't feel like enough. But in light of what we were talking about, it didn't seem right to add more.
So, maybe this is a better place to put down what I wish I could have said. What I wish could have been summed up in that tiny paragraph.
This past year has been a complete turn around for me.
I wrote a couple of very raw posts that never saw the light on facebook. I only made myself vulnerable to those that are my true followers. (Shout out to the 7 of you that I know are reading.) You can find those by searching by the "miscarriage" label if you are super curious. But the point of this post isn't about where I was as much as where I am now and the process that I went through to get here.
During the last 2 (almost 3! Wow!) years, I questioned everything I had ever been taught about God. Even His existence. I consider this my darkest time. My most alone time. I wanted very much for God to rescue me and make it all better. I didn't want to grieve. I didn't want to think about it. But that never happened. I was forced to face the fact that my baby was not going to have a breath here on earth and that God was the One that allowed this to happen. I had no desire to seek God out.
So He sought me. And He used you to do it.
It started right away.
I had a friend drop of a special gift and literally hug and cry with me. My birthday was 2 weeks after I lost the baby and several of my closest friends took time off to go away with me to celebrate. One friend brought me meals for my freezer and gave me books that helped her through her time of loss. (Seriously yall, I did not want to get up some days. Those meals were great!) Several friends were willing to let me talk through the most painful times and not once did they try to offer advice or pretend to know what I was going through. Several of you shared your stories with me to encourage me and let me know that I am not alone. One friend sent me a sweet ribbon in memory of my baby. Others have sent cards, texts, and emails to let me know that they haven't forgotten about my sweet baby.
During this time, I had a very special conversation that I really consider the place that my heart started to let down the wall I had put up with God. I had asked someone special to me how to move forward. I felt so stuck. I wanted to cry and miss my baby, but I also wanted to have joy because of the new life that I was carrying at the time. And was it ok that I wanted to do both? And in the mean time, did God really love me? Me. Specifically. And how. I wanted to feel His love in a tangible way. At the time, I listened and gleaned the wisdom imparted to me. All while sobbing through my sandwich. (This whole conversation took place at lunch at a homeschool convention.) As I look back, I have no doubt that even that conversation was God telling me that He loved me which is ironic since that was one of the things I was asking about.
Another friend shared with me how she realized that her children are simply on loan to her from God. That He knows how much time that they have on this earth and while she doesn't know how long that is, she surrenders her children to Him. What an amazing testimony?!
One other way God spoke to me was through music. One of my closest friends had said to me that she thought music was going to bring me healing. I laughed at her at the time. But after that it seemed like I kept finding songs that held how I felt. Here are a few of the ones that helped me through that time.
The first one was Give Me Faith. I shared about that one here.
Shortly after that I found these two songs by Plumb. I Need You Now and I Want You Here.
Draw me Nearer by Meredith Andrews
My favorite one of all of them is What I Know by Tricia because I found it when I really had no doubt that if I hung on to what I know then I would one day feel His presence again.
God used you guys to draw me back to Him! I thank Him for all of you!
Today I was in a Bible study where I was reminded of how God wants a relationship with me. He desires a deep intimate relationship with me. And when I sat there and thought about how I wanted that with Him, I realized that my heart had changed. I'm not sure specifically when my heart changed. I definitely see times that I was trying to change. But today I know my heart is in a good place. I no longer feel angry or bitter. Or wounded. But at peace.
That's not to say I don't grieve my baby. My baby would have turned 2 in August. It makes me sad to think about missed days. Missed firsts. Missed lasts. Boo-boos to kiss. Fingers to count.
It is to say, though, that God has walked me through the dark valley and I am finally once again walking where I feel Him walking with me and know that He does love me and care for me. And I don't think I would be in this place if it wasn't for all of you. Thank you.
In May I had planned on doing another round of May Mingle. I even had a few people tell me that they would be happy to do a guest blog for me. The months before and after flew by and I completely spaced it. My friend Katherine sent me her blog and when I couldn't open it on my phone, I decided to open it later on the computer. And that didn't happen until today. And honestly after reading her beautifully written blog, I can't help but wonder if the timing is perfect.
Katherine and I were "forced" friends. Our husbands have been best friends since childhood and so saying that we married into the relationship is a great way to word the start of our friendship. Over the years, Katherine and I have formed our own bond and I consider her one of my closest friends. It's an honor to share this blog that was on her heart.
Today I Gave Grace
Any mom knows the problems encountered by trying to teach
their children responsibility. You're
all familiar with the nagging, begging, cajoling, and frustration associated
with homework, chores, and just about anything else child-related. And let's
not forget the shameful times that I've lost my temper with my children.
Mentally raise your hands if you relate to this. Yep, thought so. I know I'm
not the only one!
This day was another one of those days. It was a Saturday and
I had my list of things to get done. My
two-year-old was busy undoing everything behind me that I had just
accomplished. Silverware was on the floor, clothes were pulled out of the
dresser and strewn on the floor, throw blankets had been pulled out of their
baskets and trampled on, and couch cushions were in disarray. And the books!
Oh, the books everywhere!!! Needless to say that my dishes and laundry chores
were taking much longer to complete. I needed my boys to help and I had fun
things on the list to do with the kids after we were all finished.
But my two boys, ages 7 and 9, had other ideas. They decided
that it would be much more fun to turn room cleaning into an all day event.
Something which they had perfected through much practice. Somehow putting away a basket of laundry that
I had already sorted and folded was akin to slave labor. Emptying the garbage
can? Impossible without somehow spreading half of the trash all over the
kitchen. That I had just swept and mopped. I kept hearing the sounds of
harmonicas, toys, and other noises that distinctly indicated cleaning was not
happening at anything resembling speed. Multiple check-ups on the boys to
redirect, refocus, and attempt to motivate seemed fruitless. Finally after
taking away several toys and privileges the boys found the motivation to
complete their chores. I was beyond worn out and honestly wanted nothing more
than to send them to bed. Some peace and quiet sounded like heaven! And surely
the boys needed to contemplate their actions to learn from them. With my
patience worn thin, my mother's heart was not sympathetic at this point.
Until my precious 9 year-old reminded me of something. At
long last, with their room done, my children came to me to make their
report. My oldest asked somewhat sadly,
“Mom, we probably don't deserve to play video games, do we?” And this is
extremely hard for me. Beyond hard. I'm a justice person. I see things in black
and white, right and wrong. I see the need for people to learn consequences of
their actions. I'm all about teachable moments. Not kidding when I say that one
of my fears is that my kids will grow up being irresponsible! So it comes
without much guesswork that I didn't want to reward my children for the actions
of the day.
But then I saw the correlation to my own life. How many times
have we been given things by our loving heavenly Father that we don't deserve?
How many times have we worn his patience by disobeying, and needing constant direction?
How often has God had to remind me to stay on task, to trust him, to complete
what we've been working on? But he still gives us grace, the gifts that we
don't deserve. So I gathered my boys into my arms (something that's getting
progressively harder as they insist on growing taller), and asked them if they
knew what grace is. If they knew that God loves them unconditionally. We had a
conversation about the amazing love of an awesome God. That love doesn't excuse
disobedience and sometimes consequences cannot be negated. But that doesn't
diminish the love. That day my heart was
softened and taught a lesson. And I got the privilege of passing on the
blessing to my children. The timer was set and we played games together before
tackling the next project on the list together.
My children do need to keep working on responsibility and work ethic. I
need to learn consistency and patience. And we all need to learn more about the
grace of God.
Today, I gave grace.
Something our Father always gives.
10 years ago around this time Adam and I were finishing up our premarital counseling in preparation for our quickly approaching wedding.
So for the next 10 weeks, I am going to be sharing about the last 10 years.
Today I want to share about one of the most important pieces of marital advice we received. Our pastor and his wife that did our premarital counseling were great. They did their best to share not only from their own experience, but also share from the Bible and what God says about marriage.
What was this great piece of advice?
Don't say the "D" word.
Divorce.
When you fight.
When you are angry.
When you are hurt.
When you are at your wit's end.
When you are joking around.
Don't say it.
When I decided to marry Adam, I decided to marry him for as long as I live. I told him so. In front of about 200 of our closest family and friends. This commitment that I made to him and with him was also a commitment that I made to God. A covenant.
Our marriage is not perfect.
We fight. And things get heated.
We get on each other's nerves. And disagree.
But "divorce" has never been a part of our vocabulary.
Good morning readers! I hope you guys are having a fabulous Friday.
Just thought I would check-in with ya'll to see how you all are doing with your own resolutions for the year and let you know where I am at with mine.
My first goal was to work-out 4-6 times a week and I am so happy to say that I have done this every week! Some weeks have been super busy so squeezing in 4 work-outs was a major stretch, but it definitely has gotten easier. Losing weight has been a slow process, but that is because I am gaining muscle in the process. Even so, I have lost 6.4 pounds since Jan 4 which is the day before I started my work-out goal. Since January I have lost 7 inches in my waist alone so I know I am making better progress than the scale wants me to think.
Thinking patterns are so hard to change. Honestly, I have spent some time praying for Adam and the girls, but could still use a ton of improvement in this area. I haven't been working near as hard on this as I would like. So, this goal needs to take a higher priority in my life for sure.
As far as the daily life goes, keeping the house picked up comes in phases depending on our busy schedule. I have done alright. The toys are always picked up before I sit down to relax at night. The dishes and kitchen floor have been the bigger struggle. It simply depends on the day and how exhausted I am. I am not giving up though! In January I went to extreme efforts to stay in budget and I went over by $4 because I had bought some snacks at Target that I forgot I had bought and since Target is not my usual grocery spot, I didn't even think about that receipt having groceries on it when I was calculating how much I had left in Jan. In February I stayed in budget, but it was a shorter month. March is in full swing. Not sure how the month is going to go. Especially since I am trying super hard to eat better foods and that can get pricey.
Overall, still finding the balance in all of these things.
How are you guys doing? The year isn't over! So, if you have found that your goals are already a thing of the past, you can dust them off and start again today! You can do it!
Something I have been thinking about for almost a year now is finally making it's way into the pages of my blog.
I find sin to be interesting. Interesting because my sin won't look like your sin. My sin is my own. My struggles are my own. My temptations may not be ones that tempt you.
There was a time in my past when I remember how slowly sin took over. We are warned that Satan is the great deceiver and in my case I did not heed the warning as I should have by guarding myself against him.
This summer I went to the pool. A lot. When I go to the pool, I like to dip my toe in first to see how cold it is. Usually nodding to myself and thinking it feels a little cold, but good because of the heat. Then, I slowly put my whole foot in for one more test. Manageable cold. Worth it. I go to the steps and slowly step by step immerse myself into the pool until I am completely up to my chin in water. When it is time to go I don't want to leave. It took a lot of time getting used to the temperature. I don't want other people to see they way I look as I get out. Plus, it is going to be so cold. Brr. I wait a little longer.
That is exactly how I had given into sin.
I had this one little taste of sin. And it didn't seem so bad. Satan helped deceive me. "Why did people say this was wrong? Meh. It really was ok. Slowly, my whole foot went in. Still - fine. As my body immersed in this pool, I was blinded by justification. Lies. Slowly my sin isolated me from everyone that I loved. I was living in sin. Waiting in the pool of my sin. Comfortable. Blindly wandering around in the dark and completely oblivious to where I was.
I remember one day looking at my life. Really looking. Seeing my sin. Recognizing that it was sin for the first time. And seeing the pool. And realizing that I didn't know how to get out. I was scared. And alone. Leaving my sin behind would bring a new isolation as I would be letting go of the only people that I still had in my life. Leaving my sin behind meant freedom though. I wanted freedom.
My heart and soul cried out to God. "Please! Help me! Get me out of my sin. I can't do it alone. I don't have the strength. I need You!"
God heard my cry. He answered the very next day. He released me from my sin.
It was not easy leaving my sin. I had hurt so many people. Trust was broken with many and I had to prove I was trustworthy all over again. Honestly, this step took years.
There were new relationships that came to be where I had to, needed to, share my history. It saddened my heart to share this, but I needed them to know. To forgive me.
My getting out of the pool was so difficult. Letting go of all of the lies that I had been told and remembering what I was working toward.
Redemption.
Redemption with God. Redemption with friends. Redemption with family.
This holiday season as I look back, I am so grateful that God heard my cry.
Psalm 40:2 says, "He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand."
I am ending with a verse from a song that we sang in my church growing up:
My heart was distressed ’neath Jehovah’s dread frown, And low in the pit where my sins dragged me down; I cried to the Lord from the deep miry clay, Who tenderly brought me out to golden day.
He brought me out of the miry clay, He set my feet on the Rock to stay; He puts a song in my soul today, A song of praise, hallelujah!
Lately I have been seriously struggling with grief over losing sweet baby D. Yes, I know it has been over a year. Yes, I know I have my beautiful little Charlotte to love. Yes, I am grateful for each of my children. But there is a hole. A part of me missing.
My grief is also tied into my personal walk with God. The best way I have found to word how I feel, is actually from a song by Chris Brown called "Give Me Faith". I don't remember much about the song as a whole, but the chorus goes like this:
"Give me faith, to trust what you say, that you're good and your love is great. I'm broken inside, I give you my life."
My struggle has been that I simply want to feel God's love. I know that my relationship with God is more than emotions and about having faith. But in these moments. Where all I feel like doing is sobbing. And holding my heart out to God asking Him to mend the broken parts. Wanting so badly for Him to pull me into a hug and tell me He loves me. The emotion is what I yearn for. That feeling, that He cares about little old me.
I know He is good. I know His love is great. I need faith to trust in that. That that faith will be enough for me until He reveals His presence to me.
This is the song I mentioned, if you would like to take a listen:
On our way to drop our kids off at their Mamaw's and Poppy's house, we saw the most beautiful sunrise.
This sunrise got me to thinking about how much I love sunrises. And that I am a sunrise type of gal. Don't get me wrong, sunsets are beautiful too, but there is something so amazing about a sunrise. Adam and I started talking about it and he said that he loves sunrises because when he is sitting in the woods it is incredible to hear the woods come to life. "It starts with one bird singing and then another. And then something runs through like a squirrel and before you know it the woods are alive."
I think for me personally, I just love that it is a new day. And that whole joy coming with the morning thing.
"For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5
As I look at my Charlotte, I cannot fathom not ever knowing her. My heart overflows with delight and love for her. She stirs emotions in my heart that are at times overwhelming. A sense of overwhelming joy. I have never given much thought to how Noah must have felt when that rainbow appeared until now.
Rain for 40 days and nights would be so tiring and depressing. I can barely make it through a week of rain before I start grumbling about it. And to go through all of that rain and finally set foot on dry land and see that beautiful rainbow break through the clouds... remarkable. A moment of sheer unspeakable joy. Now I know in Noah's case, it was literal rain, but for me life's storms and real storms both bring out the darkest emotions in me. And when that storm finally eases up. And the sunshine barely peeks out of the clouds just enough to present one of the most beautiful displays of color the world has ever seen. My heart soars knowing the storm has passed if just for a moment. One moment to breathe and thank God for such a beautiful moment.
That beautiful rainbow is my Charlotte.
And as I reflect on the storm. And the depth of pain and heartache that came with it. And remember my sweet baby that I will never see this side of eternity. I thank God for my little rainbow. The rainbow that would have never existed if I hadn't faced that storm.
