Labor Day

We have an annual tradition on Labor Day weekend every year. Adam's extended family does a badminton tournament on the Sunday of Labor Day. There is usually a ton of food.

And that is not including the dessert table. There is lots of people and lots of fun.

Adam was in his zone. He loves running events.

Adam and Ryan won for their 14th time.

After the tournament is over, we have the Shelton's come and stay the night for lots of gaming and fun. It is a super enjoyable time for everyone, including the kids. This tradition is one of my favorite parts of the fall season.

Heritage

From my heart to yours, thanks for reading. You are my devoted few that have hung in there over the years. Thanks for stopping by.

Today I want to talk about heritage. I have been richly blessed in this department. 

A couple of weeks ago I had the joy of visiting my Nanny, which is what we call my Momma's mom. During this visit she shared stories with me about her growing up and even how she and my Granddaddy met. It was such a pleasure to visit with her and find out things about her that I didn't know before going to her house.

Then, today, I was able to make dinner for my Papa, Grandma, and Uncle Dennis. My Papa and Grandma are my Dad's parents. Again I was struck at how valuable my time with them was. They shared with my their hearts and thoughts on all sorts of topics. Not only that, but they let my kids have their attention. My Grandma played a board game with them and my Papa and Uncle Dennis watched them ride bikes. They poured into me and my girls and I didn't want to see our evening come to an end.

This is a value I want to instill in my kids. That these relationships matter and are important. 

Our stories rest in theirs. 

We are here because of them. 

How much do you know about your grandparents?

I challenge you. Take time tomorrow, not today since it is almost midnight. Tomorrow. Call your grandparents and just ask them one question about their story. Listen and and truly be a captive audience. I mean focus all of your attention on them. And then tell them you love them. 

You won't regret it.

Faith In Turbulent Times

These past 4 weeks we have been doing a Bible study on faith during turbulent times. I feel as though I learned so much. It felt good to be back in the word, digging into what is meant.

It feels good to see my faith where it is now. To be going through this stuff with my parents and to truly rely on God. Especially looking back to the last few years. Seeing where I was. Deeply wounded and hurt and out of desperation seeking God and questioning His very existence.  To now. Once again feeling loss and heartache with my Momma's diagnosis. Only now, I rely on His existence. The hope He offers me. It doesn't change the anguish that I feel over knowing that my time with my Momma is precious. But this life here is not my eternal home. It's temporary. Praise the Lord.

This study was such a great reminder to me that God is with me. He was with me back in October and November when we found out the cancer had returned. He is with me even now as I tear up and write this. He is with me in the future when our time together here does end.

It also reminded me that my eyes should be focused on Jesus. By fixing my eyes on Him I am able to endure and persevere no matter what my circumstances are.

And faith isn't just believing. It involves action. It's actively believing. It's the inward assurance of what we hope for and the outward action in response to what we do not see. Faith is confidently expecting our Heavenly Father to do what He promised.

John 16:33 is the promise I cling to.

It says,  “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

What great encouragement! He has overcome the world.

Birthdays

Adam was teasing me the other day about my need to make birthdays a big deal.  Today as I was making Elanor's birthday invitations that conversation played over in my head.

I'm sure some of my desire comes from the fact that my birthday comes right after Christmas. I like to pick on my parents about all of my birthday cards being belated ones. My birthday was/is hard to remember. I mean we did just celebrate Jesus so I totally get it. He definitely deserves the bigger bash.

But I think the bigger deal for me is the reality that life is short. People don't live forever here. During the ho hum day-to-day it is easy to take the people around you for granted. Holidays like Valentine's Day and Father's Day remind us to remember that we care for the people in our lives. Sure Adam tells me he loves me. But on Valentine's Day and our anniversary, he has to really think about it. Why does he love me? What does he love about me? And then he tells me.

This is why birthdays are extra special to me. As Ella is about to turn 5, I truly think on the things that make her unique and all of the reasons I love her. And so we celebrate. We will have family and a few friends over. We will eat cake and ice cream. She will feel loved and cared about. Truly celebrated on her birthday.

And for me, well, I will remember. And be grateful for another year under my parenting belt.

Craziness and Community

These last couple of months have been super crazy. It started around the time the buyer's of our home wanted to move the closing date up by a week. That was the same day that I found out my momma's cancer was back. The very next weekend was when the head gasket on our 15 year old van decided to go. When I was co-leading our women's retreat. The weekend after the retreat we moved. A week after we moved in, our heat went out in our (new to us) house and the HSA couldn't get someone out for a couple of days. The next week we replaced our van. And then our heat went out again this past weekend.

I tell you all of that, not to say "woe is me." Or to have you feel sorry for me. I tell you all of that to give glory to God for the amazing body of believers that He has given us to walk through carry us through the craziness.

When the buyer's moved our closing date up, 3 of my friends came over and helped pack us up. They got more packed that night than I could have done in a week by myself.

When my momma called with her news, one of my friends called me immediately to check-in to see how I was doing and stayed on the phone with me while I blubbered through the news. What a patient friend. This friend called and checked on me multiple days following that one. My husband left work early to come hold me even when I didn't ask him to. He sat there next to me while I sat in shock avoiding the subject. And later when the emotion overflowed, he held me and let me soak his shirt with my tears. What a man! Other friends have been great at texting, praying, and asking me how things are going. Not minding that my answer isn't "fine." One friend gave me a super cute pillow to hold whenever I need to just sit and cry. It totally matches my bedroom, too. A couple of other friends have hired a photographer to come take pictures of my family when we are all together for Christmas. What an amazing gift! Other family and friends have offered to buy plane tickets or offer points to fly so I can go be with my family. So overwhelmed by their generosity! When I couldn't be with my momma and daddy for the official news, my grandparents spent several days with them to keep them company while my dad waited. And they continue to be available to my parents when they need them.

When our head gasket blew on our van, we had family step in and offer us their cars until we could research and find a new one after we moved. Totally saw God's hand in this provision.

When I was at the women's retreat, friends showered me with some yummy treats and also with fun memories. What a great time to get away and shift my focus back on Jesus. When I got home, I was able to enjoy a date with my husband because family had taken the girls for the day.

When we moved, family watched our girls the whole weekend so that we could move without them underfoot. We had lots of friends come and help us move. Some came even if they were only available for a short bit. And others stayed for the whole day. All of the friends that helped also have families that were spending the day without them. What amazing friends to give up their family time as well as their Saturday to help us. Also, the weekend we moved was a gorgeous weekend. Hoodie weather. (The weekend we were to originally move on ended up being snowy, rainy, and icy all day long. Thanks Lord!) Several friends provided dinner during this week leading up to the move which was wonderful because I was able to have the kitchen packed up. Another friend came and helped me clean the night before the move. And a few friends helped take a few loads over that night before. One family member came and cleaned my new house for several hours on two separate occasions! It was a huge help!

When our heat went out, friends offered their heater to us if we wanted it. Family gave us fire wood for our fire place.

When we went to get our van, family watched the older two girls, making our test-drive much easier.

I am so very thankful to be a part of a community that picks us up when we are absolutely defeated and have nothing left to give. These last few years, God has definitely made it so clear to Adam and I that we need this community that we find in Him. His love overflows from His people.

God Used You

Recently Adam and I shared our stories with our church family. Adam posted our "script" over on his blog if you missed it and want to check it out. For the life of me, I could not decide whether I wanted to share about my miscarriage or not. It felt too raw. Even up until the morning of, I was trying to decide. I had written out what I was going to say. It didn't feel like enough. But in light of what we were talking about, it didn't seem right to add more.

So, maybe this is a better place to put down what I wish I could have said. What I wish could have been summed up in that tiny paragraph.

This past year has been a complete turn around for me.

I wrote a couple of very raw posts that never saw the light on facebook. I only made myself vulnerable to those that are my true followers. (Shout out to the 7 of you that I know are reading.) You can find those by searching by the "miscarriage" label if you are super curious. But the point of this post isn't about where I was as much as where I am now and the process that I went through to get here.

During the last 2 (almost 3! Wow!) years, I questioned everything I had ever been taught about God. Even His existence. I consider this my darkest time. My most alone time. I wanted very much for God to rescue me and make it all better. I didn't want to grieve. I didn't want to think about it. But that never happened. I was forced to face the fact that my baby was not going to have a breath here on earth and that God was the One that allowed this to happen. I had no desire to seek God out.

So He sought me. And He used you to do it.

It started right away.

I had a friend drop of a special gift and literally hug and cry with me. My birthday was 2 weeks after I lost the baby and several of my closest friends took time off to go away with me to celebrate. One friend brought me meals for my freezer and gave me books that helped her through her time of loss. (Seriously yall, I did not want to get up some days. Those meals were great!) Several friends were willing to let me talk through the most painful times and not once did they try to offer advice or pretend to know what I was going through. Several of you shared your stories with me to encourage me and let me know that I am not alone. One friend sent me a sweet ribbon in memory of my baby. Others have sent cards, texts, and emails to let me know that they haven't forgotten about my sweet baby.

During this time, I had a very special conversation that I really consider the place that my heart started to let down the wall I had put up with God.  I had asked someone special to me how to move forward. I felt so stuck. I wanted to cry and miss my baby, but I also wanted to have joy because of the new life that I was carrying at the time. And was it ok that I wanted to do both? And in the mean time, did God really love me? Me. Specifically. And how. I wanted to feel His love in a tangible way. At the time, I listened and gleaned the wisdom imparted to me. All while sobbing through my sandwich. (This whole conversation took place at lunch at a homeschool convention.) As I look back, I have no doubt that even that conversation was God telling me that He loved me which is ironic since that was one of the things I was asking about.

Another friend shared with me how she realized that her children are simply on loan to her from God. That He knows how much time that they have on this earth and while she doesn't know how long that is, she surrenders her children to Him. What an amazing testimony?!

One other way God spoke to me was through music. One of my closest friends had said to me that she thought music was going to bring me healing. I laughed at her at the time. But after that it seemed like I kept finding songs that held how I felt. Here are a few of the ones that helped me through that time.

The first one was Give Me Faith. I shared about that one here.

Shortly after that I found these two songs by Plumb. I Need You Now and I Want You Here.

Draw me Nearer by Meredith Andrews

My favorite one of all of them is What I Know by Tricia because I found it when I really had no doubt that if I hung on to what I know then I would one day feel His presence again.

God used you guys to draw me back to Him! I thank Him for all of you!

Today I was in a Bible study where I was reminded of how God wants a relationship with me. He desires a deep intimate relationship with me. And when I sat there and thought about how I wanted that with Him, I realized that my heart had changed. I'm not sure specifically when my heart changed. I definitely see times that I was trying to change. But today I know my heart is in a good place. I no longer feel angry or bitter. Or wounded. But at peace.

That's not to say I don't grieve my baby. My baby would have turned 2 in August. It makes me sad to think about missed days. Missed firsts. Missed lasts. Boo-boos to kiss. Fingers to count.

It is to say, though, that God has walked me through the dark valley and I am finally once again walking where I feel Him walking with me and know that He does love me and care for me. And I don't think I would be in this place if it wasn't for all of you. Thank you.

Back From Colorado

We just got back from the longest drive we have ever taken our girls on. While Google says the trip to Pueblo should take about 17 hours, it took us more like 20.

On our way out, we stopped to visit with Adam's coach/dean of men from Vennard. Adam and I always enjoyed he and his wife's company when we were at school and since we were passing through there town, we called them up. It was such a great little visit.

We finally made it to Michael and Rachel's just in time to see Michael at his store and then go back to their house to put the girls to bed for the night. Then, Michael and I went over to church and practiced for Sunday.

The week flew by as each day had something fun.

We hung out with Rachel's family. (The girls made a craft with Rachel and her mom, June.)

We had Christmas together. 

We toured Pueblo.

We visited Focus on the Family's Whit's End and Adventures in Odyssey exhibit.

We drove through the garden of the gods.

We rode the cog-rail up to Pike's Peak. (Although, we couldn't go all the way to the top because the snow plow was broken and there was snow on the tracks.)

We met up with college friend's Derrick and Renee and their family for dinner. It was nice to catch up and hear what they are up to!

We picnic'd at Uplift Mountain and watched Adam do some of the obstacle course. (I was going to post the videos, but my phone is taking too long to upload them.)

We walked around Bishop's Castle.

We relaxed. 

We took some fun pictures.

It was a fun-filled week visiting with Michael and Rachel. 

On the way home, we stopped in Missouri and saw some more friends. We played some Cash and Guns and talked about life. (This seriously was one turn. Do you see how many guns were pointed at me?)

We drove the last 6 hours and arrived home with plenty of time to unpack and do laundry. :)
It was great to get away, see family and friends, and be rejuvenated.

Giving You Some Background

My family moved. A lot. Like I am only a few years older than how many places I have lived in my life.

My parents made life fun. They were always doing puppet shows for the neighborhood or letting us have lots of friends over. Their love for Jesus poured out of them and into every aspect of our lives. So,  even though moving was difficult and terrible, they kept Michael and I happy and gave us things to look forward to in each move.

With each move, new people entered our lives. It hurt to say goodbye, but the new people helped it not hurt as bad. I wouldn't know half as many people as I do if we had not moved. 

Moving made our family close. Sometimes we only had each other. And while there are times that I wish we could have been like my husband and only live in a few places, I am grateful for the bond that my family has from moving as often as we did. 

The biggest impact that moving had on me was probably in relationships. Relationships are fragile and distance breaks them. So as I got older I began to build walls around myself to keep myself from truly allowing myself to open up to others. It wasn't until college that I feel like I let some of those walls come down.

As we currently prepare to move, we are considering and weighing all the options that are available to us. I don't want to jump the gun and uproot our family if it is not necessary. But I also want to hopefully stay where we land for the next 25 years. When did I become the adult making these decisions? They are not easy that is for sure.

Because You Are

Today Momma starts radiation. 1 treatment of 25.

It has been interesting to see God move and stretch me through this whole situation.

Some days I struggle with doubt and frustration.  It was supposed to be a black and white situation. Mastectomy. Reconstruction. Pill. Gone. .9mm changed all that. Chemo recommended. Surgery recommended. Radiation promised. After all the debate, radiation is the answer. Will radiation really do the trick???

Some days I am indifferent and just simply do not want to think about it.

Some days I have peace and know that God will bring good from the situation. I just finished reading The Lion's Mark trilogy by Francine Rivers and it reminded me constantly of just that. God's love never changes and He is with me. I just need to seek Him and I will find Him.

There is a band called Everybody Duck. They have a song that really fits where I feel like I have been spiritually during this whole thing.

Here it is. Check it out.

Cancer

Lately, I have been feeling very discouraged and sad.

It started when my Mom called and told me that she had breast cancer. After a roller coaster of maybe it is cancer, maybe it isn't... it was determined to be cancer.

Cancer is so common now days that when my friend told me a couple of years ago that her Mom had been diagnosed with it, I never really thought through the fullness of the situation. I asked her about it off and on, but in looking back I realize that I was not a good friend. I should have checked-in more often. (I am very sorry, friend.)

Cancer - even though it is common - is still very scary, no matter the severity of it.

I cannot even begin to express the emotion that poured over me when my Mom spoke those words to me. So many questions. What kind of cancer? What stage? Is it curable? Has it spread? Is it what caused her other health issues? Will she die from this? If so, how long does she have? What should we expect next? When is her surgery? Who can I get to take the girls so that I can help her during and after surgery?

Thankfully, the kind of cancer my Mom has does not spread to the rest of the body if you treat it right away. The downside is that her chances of getting another form of breast cancer within 5-10 years is very high if she chooses not to have a full mastectomy.

I am so sad for my Mom to have to make this decision. Glad that she will not be facing chemo. Sad that she will still have a long road of recovery and doctor's visits. Sad that she does not live closer to me so that I can help out more.

*Please be praying for my Mom. They are also moving to Wisconsin at the end of June and the surgery is still not even scheduled. Her doctors are saying 4-6 week recovery and at this point it looks like the surgery will be 3 weeks before they move, possibly even later. It is just a lot to handle right now with packing, cleaning, and doctor's appointments. Thanks!

The Last 4 Weeks

It has been a fabulous 4 weeks.  Today has been hard because not only is life back to normal, but I woke up with a terrible head cold. My main reason for writing today though is to catch you up on what has been going on here.

About 6 weeks ago Adam found out that he was heading to St Louis for work the week before Thanksgiving so we headed there with him to see my parents before they jump into bell ringing season.

It was such a great visit. My Dad has mono and while I feel bad for him, I was glad to get some extra time with him since usually he stays super busy during our visits. The girls loved seeing their Papa and Nana. Kaylee helped Nana decorate the Christmas tree.

We had Christmas together while we were there and Mom and Dad got Kaylee Rapunzel from her favorite "Princess Movie". It also came with a matching dress. She loves that doll!

After our wonderful visit with my parents, we went home to do laundry and re-pack to head to Minnesota for Thanksgiving. First stop was Adam's Aunt and Uncle's house. We had a great visit with them and then headed further north to visit our best friends Meggan and Trevor. Kaylee and Addison were fast friends.

We did a lot of relaxing and playing and dancing and laughing! The boys gave us some time off and we did the same for them. We had such a great visit and it made me wonder why we live so far away from one another.

After our few days with the Schwirtz's we started making our journey home by spending a night with our great friends Casey and Daniel. We spent the evening eating this amazing soup that Casey made and playing some Tichu. Adam and I won and I am pretty certain this is the first time we have ever won as a team.

We got home at about 8 pm from our trip and so I unpacked, cleaned, and got the girls into bed while Adam took his Grandma home. (She had ridden with us to Minnesota to spend Thanksgiving with Adam's Aunt and Uncle. - She is brave for traveling with us.) The very next morning I ran to get groceries because our awesome friends Kim and Chris were coming to visit for a night. 

Ella had a ton of fun with Brayden. She really wanted to keep up with him as he was crawling everywhere leaving her in the dust.

We played lots of games in their one night stay. I was so glad they came to visit!

The morning the Hoch's left was a pretty somber event for me because I knew life was going to slow down and get back to normal. I decided to take a 3 hour nap to delay the inevitable. Good thing I did! That evening my brother Michael and his wife Rachel showed up for a week long stay. 

We went shopping, took pictures, played games, ate great food, and sang lots! I was extremely grateful that they flew out to visit! We recorded two songs while we were together. You can find them here and here.

These last four weeks have been such a huge blessing and makes me ever so grateful as we go into this Christmas season. Thanks to all of you for allowing us to be a part of your lives! We love you and miss you already!