Even When It Hurts

Faith has been on my mind again today.

My best friend sent me a text that said, "I will keep praying for healing."

And there it was.

"Do you believe that I can heal your Momma this side of Heaven?"

I was just this morning praising God for His being the Healer and the Great Physician.

I think it comes down to this. I do believe He can heal her. I am just not sure it will be on earth.

Maybe it is the prepared part of me. The part that likes to know what is coming. The part that cannot mentally or emotionally handle my Momma dying. It's the same reason I needed to know before giving birth that I was having girl after girl. I need time to process. Praise the Lord that in this case, I have time.

But does my preparedness mean that my faith is inadequate? It's just so complex.

I struggle with the balance. Believing and trusting. Processing. Still believing. Actively believing.

The Almighty God be glorified. No matter what.

         Psalm 69

1 

Save me, O God,

    for the waters have come up to my neck.

2 

I sink in the miry depths,

    where there is no foothold.

I have come into the deep waters;

    the floods engulf me.

3 

I am worn out calling for help;

    my throat is parched.

My eyes fail,

    looking for my God.

4 

Those who hate me without reason

    outnumber the hairs of my head;

many are my enemies without cause,

    those who seek to destroy me.

I am forced to restore

    what I did not steal.

5 

You, God, know my folly;

    my guilt is not hidden from you.

6 

Lord, the Lord Almighty,

    may those who hope in you

    not be disgraced because of me;

God of Israel,

    may those who seek you

    not be put to shame because of me.

7 

For I endure scorn for your sake,

    and shame covers my face.

8 

I am a foreigner to my own family,

    a stranger to my own mother’s children;

9 

for zeal for your house consumes me,

    and the insults of those who insult you fall on me.

10 

When I weep and fast,

    I must endure scorn;

11 

when I put on sackcloth,

    people make sport of me.

12 

Those who sit at the gate mock me,

    and I am the song of the drunkards.

13 

But I pray to you, Lord,

    in the time of your favor;

in your great love, O God,

    answer me with your sure salvation.

14 

Rescue me from the mire,

    do not let me sink;

deliver me from those who hate me,

    from the deep waters.

15 

Do not let the floodwaters engulf me

    or the depths swallow me up

    or the pit close its mouth over me.

16 

Answer me, Lord, out of the goodness of your love;

    in your great mercy turn to me.

17 

Do not hide your face from your servant;

    answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.

18 

Come near and rescue me;

    deliver me because of my foes.

19 

You know how I am scorned, disgraced and shamed;

    all my enemies are before you.

20 

Scorn has broken my heart

    and has left me helpless;

I looked for sympathy, but there was none,

    for comforters, but I found none.

21 

They put gall in my food

    and gave me vinegar for my thirst.

22 

May the table set before them become a snare;

    may it become retribution and[b] a trap.

23 

May their eyes be darkened so they cannot see,

    and their backs be bent forever.

24 

Pour out your wrath on them;

    let your fierce anger overtake them.

25 

May their place be deserted;

    let there be no one to dwell in their tents.

26 

For they persecute those you wound

    and talk about the pain of those you hurt.

27 

Charge them with crime upon crime;

    do not let them share in your salvation.

28 

May they be blotted out of the book of life

    and not be listed with the righteous.

29 

But as for me, afflicted and in pain—

    may your salvation, God, protect me.

30 

I will praise God’s name in song

    and glorify him with thanksgiving.

31 

This will please the Lord more than an ox,

    more than a bull with its horns and hooves.

32 

The poor will see and be glad—

    you who seek God, may your hearts live!

33 

The Lord hears the needy

    and does not despise his captive people.

34 

Let heaven and earth praise him,

    the seas and all that move in them,

35 

for God will save Zion

    and rebuild the cities of Judah.

Then people will settle there and possess it;

36 

    the children of his servants will inherit it,

    and those who love his name will dwell there.

Faith In Turbulent Times

These past 4 weeks we have been doing a Bible study on faith during turbulent times. I feel as though I learned so much. It felt good to be back in the word, digging into what is meant.

It feels good to see my faith where it is now. To be going through this stuff with my parents and to truly rely on God. Especially looking back to the last few years. Seeing where I was. Deeply wounded and hurt and out of desperation seeking God and questioning His very existence.  To now. Once again feeling loss and heartache with my Momma's diagnosis. Only now, I rely on His existence. The hope He offers me. It doesn't change the anguish that I feel over knowing that my time with my Momma is precious. But this life here is not my eternal home. It's temporary. Praise the Lord.

This study was such a great reminder to me that God is with me. He was with me back in October and November when we found out the cancer had returned. He is with me even now as I tear up and write this. He is with me in the future when our time together here does end.

It also reminded me that my eyes should be focused on Jesus. By fixing my eyes on Him I am able to endure and persevere no matter what my circumstances are.

And faith isn't just believing. It involves action. It's actively believing. It's the inward assurance of what we hope for and the outward action in response to what we do not see. Faith is confidently expecting our Heavenly Father to do what He promised.

John 16:33 is the promise I cling to.

It says,  “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

What great encouragement! He has overcome the world.