Friday, September 6, 2013

Real Fear

A story about a time you were very afraid.

Fear has played a part in my life in tides. The tide comes and with it comes fear, but slowly it releases and falls back and is no longer present.

When my best friend's sister died, I became very aware of death and it's presence in my life. So for a good long while after that, I was paralyzed with fear every time Adam was late getting home or I could not get someone on the phone. Slowly, the fear faded, but every now and then it appears again. Especially once we had the girls.

When my Mom was diagnosed with cancer, fear came once more. Fear of losing my Mom. Fear of living daily without without her calls and her opinions. Fear that Mom's surgery would not go as planned. Or that they would find more cancer. With each reassuring MRI, the fear passes.

When we were in the process of losing baby #3, I was faced with a new fear that I never had with Kaylee and Ella. The days of waiting for me to actually lose the baby were brutal. And then struggling through the days of losing him or her and becoming aware of the gigantic hole in my heart. Fear that my baby will be forgotten. As if he or she never existed. As excited as I was about becoming pregnant with baby #4, losing baby #3 gave me so much fear for the new little life in my womb. Fear that the ultrasound technician would not find the heartbeat. Fear that I would not make it to the end and come home with a baby. Even now with 9 weeks left, this fear sometimes sneaks up on me.

The thing about fear though is that I can let it eat at me constantly or I can make good use of it. What I mean is, instead of letting it be a burden, I let it be used for good. For instance, the fears I have mentioned above all have to do with my love for those in my life. If I find myself bombarded by one of these fears, I find time for those people. So, if I am frantic about Adam being late, then I spend extra time with him when he walks in the door. if I need to see my Mom, then I go see my Mom. If I am struggling with a fear about the baby, I talk to the baby and celebrate the moments that I have right now. Simply - I make those people a priority. It's not always easy. But thanks to technology I can facetime my family even when I am too pregnant to travel to see them or if money is tight at the time.

These are times I have been very afraid. And I simply choose to use my experiences for good rather than letting them get the best of me.

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