To have a baby.
It was not an easy time. Adam and I had always agreed to wait to have children. Wait until we were both done with school. Wait until we move. Wait until we have secure jobs. Wait until we have a house. Wait.
I hate waiting.
In the midst of all the waiting several family and friends were embarking on my dream. It felt like every woman around me was bursting at the seams with babies and joyful mommy glows. Even people that did not want to be pregnant were doing so. Ironically, I was not mad at Adam for reminding me of our agreement to wait. I was mad at God.
I was mad at Him because I knew He has power. Power over birth control. He could make it happen.
He didn't make it happen.
It was a really hard time for me. It was this burning desire that started small, but completely occupied my whole heart.
I finally let it go.
The desire was still there, but I knew our lives were about to change and it was not the time. I made amends with God. He helped take some of the tension and burning that my heart felt. He eased the pain of knowing it wasn't time.
3 years passed and it was finally time to try to make my dream a reality. I knew the statistics. It takes the average couple 1 year to conceive. However, everyone around me was popping pregnant after 1 or 2 months. I found myself back in the pit of despair after a few months of trying. I kept asking God to take some of the tension off again. It was too hard to experience month after month of failed attempts. I needed some relief.
In September, God and I talked and I let go of my desire once more. This time it was the deepest part of the desire. The root. I wanted to carry my own baby in my womb. My child that would look like me and Adam. "Alright, God, if you have a different plan, if you want me to adopt, that is what we will do." It was by far the hardest conversation with God I have ever had.
Needless, to say, God, who is loving and gracious to us when we are the least deserving, gave me the desires of my heart a month later. A positive pregnancy test.
I literally cried. I fell to the floor sobbing. My heart wept for the child I wanted for so long and now finally had.
It has been 20 months since that conversation with God. As I look at my little girl and watch her grow, I thank God for her life, for His provision. He knew the right time. He created her just for me. She is every prayer answered that I prayed for those 4 years. I praise the Lord for her life. I was able to carry her in me, feel her kick and hiccup. I delivered her and was able to see her crying face and hold it next to mine. She is my blessing from God Almighty. Creator. He is Mighty and Wonderful.
Kaylee is everything I ever wanted and desired. Everything I prayed for.
My little girl.
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