Spring

Just finished a book called Empty Arms. It was a very good book that helped me process some things and gave me wisdom on how to work through my grief. In the last pages of the book there was one particular thought that stuck out to me.

Winter will end. Spring will come.

When my Momma was diagnosed with breast cancer last year it felt like winter had come and was here to stay. For months I felt grey and dead even when the sun was shining and warm. Then winter truly was arriving and I felt as though spring had just come to some extent and now I had to settle in for true winter?!? I was not ready for it. Needless to say, winter has been really long for me. And I am ready for it to end. PRAISE GOD IT WILL END!

Yesterday I noticed a group of birds on our tree. Spring is coming. I heard them singing. And got giddy with excitement. Our tree out front is beautiful in the spring. It buds and then flowers. Even as the flowers begin to fall after a few weeks, it is a beautiful sight. The leaves make their grand appearance right after. It reminds me that God makes ugly things beautiful.

New Blooms

First Flowers

Flowers Falling

Really old pic of Kaylee, but you can see the tree 

All of life's hardships that come my way because of our fallen nature are made beautiful in time. The hardships end. They may come again. But they will end.

God is so gracious and merciful to us.

Praise the Lord, spring is on it's way!

Heaven Is For Real

Have you read it?

It is a pretty quick read. And a very interesting story.

There were lots of things that made me believe that it was a true story. And a few things that made me think that maybe this family was just a little crazy.

Either way, I found it to be very comforting.  Specifically the chapter where the little boy, Colton, talks about meeting his sister that his parents had miscarried. In the story he talks about how this little girl ran up to him and just kept hugging him. He described to his parents the details of what she looks liked.  And how she told him she died in his Mommy's tummy.

Whether or not it is true, I found comfort in the mental image that it gave me. My sweet baby is in Heaven with Jesus and I firmly believe that. But before this chapter of this book I hadn't given much thought to what that meant.

My sweet baby got to avoid a life of heartache and pain and have a full life of joy and peace. Already with Jesus, I never have to worry about his or her spiritual walk. I picture him or her walking with Jesus and holding His hand along the way.

In this book, Colton had issues with every picture of Jesus until he saw one painted by another little girl that claims to have seen Heaven in visions. She painted this picture of Jesus at age 8. It is truly remarkable. If you want to see more art by this little girl, check it out here.

I recommend this book to anyone facing loss of any kind. Not for the truth that it holds necessarily, but for the comfort that it brings the heart through thinking through the possibilities that Heaven holds.

The Last 10 Days

First, I have to admit I skipped a day. My stomach was in knots because Ella had been sick and it makes me sick seeing her sick so yeah I skipped a day.

So these are my last 2 check-in results.

Sadly, day 15 did not bring any good changes. In fact the only change that happened was gaining .6 pounds. I moved up to level 2 so I attribute the .6 pounds to the change in muscle usage.

Day 20 is today. Here are my results:
Butt -1/2 an inch
Hips -1 and a 1/2 inches
Waist -1 inch
Thighs -1 inch
Neck -1/2 an inch (SO weird to measure my neck, but thanks to myfitnesspal it has me all curious now)
Weight - .8 pounds

I sort of expected more weight loss because the whole time Elanor was sick I was living on toast and water, but I also was not pushing myself hard in my work-out. But hey it is .8 pounds. :)

This week I am taking time off of calorie counting. It is just such a pain to do. BUT I am still trying not to completely overindulge. Don't want my shred to go to waste. Too much work to not really put forth 100%. Starting Monday, back to calorie counting.

What ifs...

Last night while I was rocking Elanor, I had a major break down. Above Ella's changing table is a picture of when I was pregnant with Kaylee. It hit me that Ella could be my last "baby". My last time being pregnant.

And then the what ifs started.

What if:
-I never have a rainbow baby*?
-I never heal completely from my loss?
-God wants our family to be complete?

I know the what if game is not good to play, but I couldn't stop it. It was unexpected. Started too quickly for me to logically talk myself out of playing.

Running to my bed, I cried out to God and hid under the covers from any scary truths that might loom around the bend.

Adam found me. Listened to my heart. And held my hand as I sobbed.

The truth is I do not know what is to come. I do not see the big picture. I do trust God in spite of not understanding. But is my heart prepared for the outcome? I am not sure.

The number one thing that losing the baby has taught me... I am NOT in control. God is.

I love control. Control over schedule. Control over cleaning. Control over menu. Control gives me the reigns and lets me make decisions and keep things steady and only changing when I am ready and want it.

But God is in control. And I trust Him. He will get me through this.


* "A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth.

In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery."  (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Rainbow%20baby)

Mrs. Watson

When I was in the 6th grade I met one of the nicest people I have ever known. I was nervous about starting 6th grade and moving up to the Middle School, but very excited to see my friends and talk about the summer.

Me in Middle School 

One of the first of my teacher's that I met was Mrs. Watson. She taught computer class.

During those first days, I learned where my fingers should sit when typing and where each letter was located. (I still remember the phrases for each row of letters.)

Quickly, I grew a love for computers. My parents usually dropped me off early for school so instead of sitting in the halls or in homeroom doing nothing, I would go to Mrs. Watson's room. I would boot up all the computers with my password which was also a nickname that my friends called me. Then, I would help her set up the room for the day.

Mrs. Watson was the nicest teacher. She was always really sweet and caring. She was so patient which now that I have my own kids, I am amazed at anyone that has this trait. If you didn't get something right away, she would keep teaching you until you finally had your ah-ha moment.

When I was getting ready to graduate and head off to high-school, she wanted to do something special for me to thank me for all the times I helped her. She took me to the mall and bought me a ring with my birthstone. Then, she took me to get Glamour Shots done which was quite the rage then. This day was one of the funnest days I have ever had.

Me in High School wearing the ring

Glamour Shots (Yes, this hair was in style.) 

As I look back and remember her, I am so grateful for her. She made middle school so much more fun and enjoyable for me. I cannot say enough how thankful I am for her as a teacher. Her impact on my life is one of the reasons I desire to work with high school students. I hope to make an impact on them the way she did me.

5 Day Check-In

My 5 day results made me super happy! I worked hard and it really paid off!

Butt: -1 and 1/2 inches
Hips: -1 inch
Waist: -1 and 1/2 inches
Thighs: -1 and 1/2 inches
Neck: -0 inches
Weight: -3.8 pounds :)

I think the biggest thing that helped was adding another 32 ounces of water to my day. I hate water so I have been adding some flavor to make it easier to handle. Thank you Propel for your kiwi strawberry.

Also, I have only had ice cream once in the past week. This is definitely God helping me overcome the temptation to eat it. Ice cream seriously is my weakness.

Only 9 pounds to go to reach my goal weight.

The Weight

Sad to be writing this. But hopeful that by writing this I will be more motivated.

Last year I lost 22 pounds. And I felt awesome. I finally liked the way I looked. I was no size 2, but I have never wanted to be that small. (I like my curves just fine thanks.) But I felt pretty good in my own skin. I didn't look at my body in the mirror and hate it.

Well, sadly, November to January were TERRIBLE months for me and I gained back 12 pounds. YIKES! So easy to gain so quickly. It takes months and months of work to shed it, but seriously only a few weeks to gain it back.

My doctor told me that eating healthy and exercising will help me feel better and will help my mood. That is great and all, but my mood makes me motivated to lay around, not work-out and eat better.

But thankfully I have friends willing to help me out. My friend Annie is making monthly pledges that are designed to help her do more of the things she would like to do throughout the year instead of just making a once a year "resolution". One of her pledges this month is to do the 30 Day Shred for 30 days straight. She asked me to join her. Well, I started on Jan 31 and after 5 days, I have already seen some results. My plan is to measure and weigh every 5 days during the shred since it is a nice even number of times. I am also taking pictures, but you will NOT be seeing those. Ha.

Pause. Let me say that while the 30 Day Shred is not for everyone, it does wonders for me. It is by far the hardest work-out I personally have ever done and is awesome for my body type. It really tones all the areas that I have had issues with my whole life. (Hello, bubble butt and child-bearing hips.)

When I get to my goal weight, I am going to get a new swim suit. I have had the same suit since 2008. It is stretched out from when I was pregnant with the girls and I really could have used a new one last summer.

Ok so here are my results:

Butt: -1/2 inch
Hips: -1 inch
Waist: -0 inches
Thighs: -1/2 inch
Neck: -1 inch (I only measure this because myfitnesspal keeps up with this.)
Weight: +2 pounds

So I was a little sad that I gained 2 pounds, but most likely it is muscle since I have let myself get into such terrible shape the last few months. I was most excited about the inch off the hips. Hello, better swimsuit body.