What ifs...

Last night while I was rocking Elanor, I had a major break down. Above Ella's changing table is a picture of when I was pregnant with Kaylee. It hit me that Ella could be my last "baby". My last time being pregnant.

And then the what ifs started.

What if:
-I never have a rainbow baby*?
-I never heal completely from my loss?
-God wants our family to be complete?

I know the what if game is not good to play, but I couldn't stop it. It was unexpected. Started too quickly for me to logically talk myself out of playing.

Running to my bed, I cried out to God and hid under the covers from any scary truths that might loom around the bend.

Adam found me. Listened to my heart. And held my hand as I sobbed.

The truth is I do not know what is to come. I do not see the big picture. I do trust God in spite of not understanding. But is my heart prepared for the outcome? I am not sure.

The number one thing that losing the baby has taught me... I am NOT in control. God is.

I love control. Control over schedule. Control over cleaning. Control over menu. Control gives me the reigns and lets me make decisions and keep things steady and only changing when I am ready and want it.

But God is in control. And I trust Him. He will get me through this.


* "A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth.

In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery."  (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Rainbow%20baby)