People say some interesting things. I know they mean well, but they come across so horribly.
This time the offender was someone very close to me.
My brother.
Basically, he told me that I need to find something to praise God for through losing the baby. I know you are thinking he is right. And I agree. But the timing was wrong. And I am still so confused and lost in what to think of God right now that I was not ready for those words to be said to me.
But.
This last Sunday Pastor Tom spoke on the massacre that happened when Herod decided to kill all of the boys under two when he learned that he had been tricked by the magi. Again I found myself hearing those words that Michael said.
Jesus gave His life so that we can have eternal life one day with Him.
In that promise, I know I will see my baby someday.
And while my heart is still broken. My spirit crushed. I praise God.
I praise Him for my husband and the strong support he has been. He has shown me compassion and love in some very sacrificial ways.
I praise Him for Kaylee and Elanor. They are the little miracles that He has entrusted to me. They bring so much joy to my daily life.
I praise Him for all of you. You have been so encouraging and supportive.
I kept wanting God to make me "feel" better and instead He has used Adam, the girls, and all of you to bring my heart comfort.
Today I praise.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Miscarriage Resources
Miscarriages, unfortunately, are not really talked about.
So not only do I feel alone in my pain, I also have one of those awkward subjects that everyone avoids.
This made me curious as to what is out there for those of us that face pregnancy loss.
The first article that I found is from BabyCenter.com. This website is chalk full of resources for all things baby. I feel like the article was a great place to start. They give you links to connect with their groups as well as offer simple steps that can be taken to help.
Also from BabyCenter, I found a helpful article on how to talk to preschool children about the loss. I really appreciated that they mentioned telling your child that you will be sad for a while and that it is ok. Kaylee had just figured out that I was pregnant when we lost the baby and so she has had tons of questions. Some have been hard to answer. I like that this article gave some great tips on how to answer the tough questions.
This article had some things in it that I didn't agree with, but I liked that it expressed exactly how I have been feeling. Specifically, "The grief you're feeling is real — no matter how early in pregnancy you experienced the loss of a baby, you'll feel that loss deeply. Even if you never saw your baby, you knew that he or she was growing inside of you, and you formed a bond; however abstract the attachment, you felt it."
The next article gave specific tips on how to cope. I personally think they are good tips. At least the first two. One of my close friends actually had already suggested getting a piece of jewelry to help me grieve. She also suggested getting a Christmas ornament to honor the baby as well. I finally ordered my necklace this morning and I am so glad that I did. One of my fears is that I will forget this baby with time. The necklace has the birthstone of my baby's due date and the due date engraved on the back. On the front, it will say "Forever In My Heart". This way I have something to help me remember.
The best article from the husband's perspective that I have found is here. I connected with a lot of what he said and I loved his practical list on helping his wife grieve.
This is one blog that I found therapeutic to read through.
One of the reasons I decided to share about my miscarriage on my blog is in hopes that through my struggle with it, I can help someone else. Even if it is just to be able to read something that they can relate to. Because like I said in the beginning, it is a topic that is kept secret. And it helps knowing that others have endured the same heartache and that I am not alone.
So not only do I feel alone in my pain, I also have one of those awkward subjects that everyone avoids.
This made me curious as to what is out there for those of us that face pregnancy loss.
The first article that I found is from BabyCenter.com. This website is chalk full of resources for all things baby. I feel like the article was a great place to start. They give you links to connect with their groups as well as offer simple steps that can be taken to help.
Also from BabyCenter, I found a helpful article on how to talk to preschool children about the loss. I really appreciated that they mentioned telling your child that you will be sad for a while and that it is ok. Kaylee had just figured out that I was pregnant when we lost the baby and so she has had tons of questions. Some have been hard to answer. I like that this article gave some great tips on how to answer the tough questions.
This article had some things in it that I didn't agree with, but I liked that it expressed exactly how I have been feeling. Specifically, "The grief you're feeling is real — no matter how early in pregnancy you experienced the loss of a baby, you'll feel that loss deeply. Even if you never saw your baby, you knew that he or she was growing inside of you, and you formed a bond; however abstract the attachment, you felt it."
The next article gave specific tips on how to cope. I personally think they are good tips. At least the first two. One of my close friends actually had already suggested getting a piece of jewelry to help me grieve. She also suggested getting a Christmas ornament to honor the baby as well. I finally ordered my necklace this morning and I am so glad that I did. One of my fears is that I will forget this baby with time. The necklace has the birthstone of my baby's due date and the due date engraved on the back. On the front, it will say "Forever In My Heart". This way I have something to help me remember.
The best article from the husband's perspective that I have found is here. I connected with a lot of what he said and I loved his practical list on helping his wife grieve.
This is one blog that I found therapeutic to read through.
One of the reasons I decided to share about my miscarriage on my blog is in hopes that through my struggle with it, I can help someone else. Even if it is just to be able to read something that they can relate to. Because like I said in the beginning, it is a topic that is kept secret. And it helps knowing that others have endured the same heartache and that I am not alone.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Thank You
Last night I had a friend stop by for an unexpected visit.
She brought me a special gift to let me know that she cared. That she loved me. And that she was so sorry for my loss. She even cried with me when I opened it.
She brought me a special gift to let me know that she cared. That she loved me. And that she was so sorry for my loss. She even cried with me when I opened it.
Kept Forever In the Heart
Isn't it beautiful?
I love it.
After she left, I was thinking about how many people have called, emailed, sent texts and Facebook messages, given me hugs, and have prayed for me during this time.
I am so incredibly blessed to have all of you.
Thank you so very much.
Seriously.
Thank you.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Blogging Award
My bestie, Meggan, from Meggan's Moments nominated me for this award. This is my first blogging award! I am looking forward to passing it on! (Sorry it took me so long, Meggan.)
Here are the rules:
This award is given to new or up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers...the award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another.
1. Each blogger should post 11 random facts about themselves.
2. Answer the questions the tagger has set for you, and then create
11 new questions for the bloggers you pass the award to.
3. Choose 11 new bloggers (with less than 200 followers)
to pass the award to and link them in your post.
4. Go back to their page and tell them about the award.
5. No tag backs.
My 11 Random Facts1.I sniff my children. I love the way they smell. Even when they stink. Because no matter how naughty they are or how much they cry, they are beautiful gifts to me. And being able to smell them is proof that they are really there in my arms at that moment. Smelling them helps me capture that moment.
2.My favorite ice cream right now is Double Dunker made by Turkey Hill. It is amazing, y'all. I could eat it with every meal.
3.When I was pregnant with Kaylee, I once downed two honey buns in under a minute because I "HAD TO HAVE THEM!!!" My brother and his wife have not let me live this down.
4.I HATE cutting nails. I can't stand it when my nails get long, but who has the time to just sit and cut them and file them? And now I have 4 more sets of nails to cut! Seriously, I think God gave us nails so that we have to be still.
5.Hide and Seek is my favorite game to play with my kids. I start out in easy spots and progress to harder spots. Soooo fun!
6.When I turn 30, I would like to dress more fashionably. However, I do not have a fashionable bone in my body.
7.I am a huge procrastinator. Not intentionally. I simply forget about things until it is time to do them.
8.I enjoy scary movies. My friend Starla and my cousin Jonie were my scary movie buddies and since I no longer live near them, I have to convince Adam to watch them with me and he is sort of a wimp when it comes to scary movies.
9.After watching the movie The Private Eyes last night I realized that it is one of the few movies that I could probably quote for someone.
10.I think the old Spider Man movie is better than the new one. Really? A lizard for a villain? Um. No.
11.My husband got me bunny slippers for Christmas and I love them. Soft and comfy.
1. What is one habit you have that people don't know about?
The last thing I say to Adam every night before we fall asleep is I love you.
2. What are your blogging boundaries? What don't you talk about on your blog?
Marital strife. I may talk about something we have have struggled with, but I won't talk about current things we are discussing. And I am careful with what I say about my kids. I don't want them to hate me for what I share about them some day.
3. What is the most romantic thing you have ever experienced?
When we were dating, our first ever Valentine's Day, Adam's Dad came into town. I had been looking forward to a romantic night out with Adam and was a little disappointed that that would not be happening. Adam did security for our school and so when he asked me to help him lock-up that night, I said yes because it was the only alone time we had that day. He told me to meet him at the gym and when I got there I did not see him anywhere. I thought he forgot or something. Anyways, finally he opened the gym door which startled me because the building was dark and looked empty. When I stepped inside he had me take my shoes off and walk with him to the far corner of the gym where he had candles all lit up on the bleachers. Then he stopped and turned on some music, pulled me into the middle of the gym and asked me to dance. After a few dances he gave me my gift. An anklet that had a heart and a key. He told me that I have both his heart and the key to it. He gave me a letter he had written with candy hearts. Most romantic moment ever.
4. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
Normal mornings? 30 minutes. If I want to do my hair more than a pony tail? 1.5 hours. (If I have to shower add another hour for blow drying and the shower itself.) That is why my normal is a pony tail. I have too much hair.
5. What is one [material thing] you want but don't have?
A second lens for my camera that works well in low light.
Or a house in the country so that I can get up early without my children waking up.
6. Where can someone find you on your day off?
Well, as a Mom, days off are rare. But I have had a few.
I usually end up at Starbucks for most of it.
Maybe hit some garage sales.
Although, days off usually mean I am with Adam at a gaming convention of some sort. So, check there first.
7. What is the most frustrating part of your day?
Elanor's whining. Hands down.
My patience for the whining is small.
That noise grinds my nerves quicker than anything.
8. What one piece of advice would you give to other bloggers?
Make your blog personal. I know the thing right now is to make your blog about something specific so that you can have followers and get big. But you will lose this reader if you quit making it about you and from your personal perspective. I enjoy the feeling that I am getting to know you through your blog and when you stop making it personal, I lose interest. I know there are people out there that enjoy those types of blogs so I may be alone in my thinking, but hey - this is my advice.
9. On a scale of One to Ten - How would you rate how well you take care of yourself?
Probably a 6. I try to eat well and keep active. I don't always get the hairs cut when I need to or my eyebrows waxed when they are overgrown, but these things are small compared to being healthy.
10. What are your three biggest blessings?
Adam - so undeserving of such a fabulous husband.
My children - each one is an answer to prayer.
Our Families - Adam and I are so blessed to have families that are in love with Jesus and following Him.
11. Quick! Your child's goldfish is dead! Do you just replace it without telling them? Or explain the after life to your child?
I hate fish. My buddy Kimberly and I had 3 fish commit suicide. Literally jumped out of the bowl.
So, I will go with our cat. If Titus died, I would explain the after life. Simply because it is a fact of life. And they already have some concept of it from the movies they watch. Like Lion King and Beauty and the Beast.
And now for my 11 questions:
1.What is your favorite TV series to watch currently?
2.What is the greatest thing about living where you live?
3.If you are listening to the radio and your favorite song comes on, what is that song?
4.What makes you happy?
5.Do you collect something? What is it?
6.What is the most frivolous reason to celebrate?
7.It's a rainy day and you are stuck inside. What are you doing?
8.What is your biggest pet peeve?
9.What do you want to do when you retire?
10.How do you pamper yourself?
11. What is your favorite love song?
11 Awesome Bloggers That I Nominate:
1.Annie
2.Janna
3.Kelly
4.Jenna
6.Lindsay
7.Maggie
8.Lindsey
9.Sarah
10.Sarah
11. Stephanie
Check out their blogs! I think you will be glad that you did!
Saturday, December 29, 2012
6 Weeks Pregnant
Today I would have been 6 weeks pregnant. Today I lost my baby.
Did you know that at 5 weeks the baby's heart starts beating and pumping blood? (and yet some people choose to kill their baby after this!)
No words could express to you the deep amount of heartache that I feel right now.
Only tears.
For the last 10 months I have been praying for this baby. Begging God for one more little baby to make our family complete.
For the last 8 days, I have been dreaming about whether it would be a boy or a girl. Settling in my mind what it's name would be for each gender. Picturing myself holding the baby. Talking to him or her. Praying.
Coming up with unique ways to tell family and friends.
Thankfully, we had only told Adam's family.
Wednesday I went to a normal first Dr appt to get a due date, pee in a cup, and get the most updated info on nutrition and the hospital guidelines. The urine test came back negative so the nurse had me get some blood work drawn to double check. I chalked it up to my urine being so diluted, but cried the whole way back to picking up the girls. After a couple of hours I took another test that I had at home and it said that I was pregnant. Yesterday the Dr called to tell me that the blood HCG was positive and wanted me to test again today to make sure my levels were rising. After having the blood drawn, I started spotting. When the Dr called, she simply confirmed that this pregnancy was not going to last.
On Christmas Eve we were going to tell my family. I sewed an extra little pair of pajama pants and was going to act surprised by the final package under the tree and have my Momma open them.
At this very moment I am consumed by my tears of heartache and loss. My soul cries out. I am filled with anguish. Crying helps I think. Maybe because it captures all of the emotion I am feeling all at once and releases it.
I wrote all of that yesterday in a moment of much needed processing. So if it is jumbled and hard to understand, I don't really care. It is for myself that I wrote these things. To remember. To not forget. I love that baby. I want that baby. I prayed for that baby. Just as much as I do and did for my girls.
Last night my husband won an award in my mind. One that I tease him about not having. Last night he showed me compassion. He held me for a very long time and just let me cry. He rubbed my back and simply listened to my sobbing. Thanks Adam for that. It was what I needed. I am sure I will probably need it again.
Kaylee asked me last night why I lost the baby. I am not sure. I asked Adam the same question in my blubbering.
But today. I cling to the promise that God heals the brokenhearted. A Facebook friend posted Psalm 147:3 this morning on his status. It says, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
Did you know that at 5 weeks the baby's heart starts beating and pumping blood? (and yet some people choose to kill their baby after this!)
No words could express to you the deep amount of heartache that I feel right now.
Only tears.
For the last 10 months I have been praying for this baby. Begging God for one more little baby to make our family complete.
For the last 8 days, I have been dreaming about whether it would be a boy or a girl. Settling in my mind what it's name would be for each gender. Picturing myself holding the baby. Talking to him or her. Praying.
Coming up with unique ways to tell family and friends.
Thankfully, we had only told Adam's family.
Wednesday I went to a normal first Dr appt to get a due date, pee in a cup, and get the most updated info on nutrition and the hospital guidelines. The urine test came back negative so the nurse had me get some blood work drawn to double check. I chalked it up to my urine being so diluted, but cried the whole way back to picking up the girls. After a couple of hours I took another test that I had at home and it said that I was pregnant. Yesterday the Dr called to tell me that the blood HCG was positive and wanted me to test again today to make sure my levels were rising. After having the blood drawn, I started spotting. When the Dr called, she simply confirmed that this pregnancy was not going to last.
On Christmas Eve we were going to tell my family. I sewed an extra little pair of pajama pants and was going to act surprised by the final package under the tree and have my Momma open them.
At this very moment I am consumed by my tears of heartache and loss. My soul cries out. I am filled with anguish. Crying helps I think. Maybe because it captures all of the emotion I am feeling all at once and releases it.
I wrote all of that yesterday in a moment of much needed processing. So if it is jumbled and hard to understand, I don't really care. It is for myself that I wrote these things. To remember. To not forget. I love that baby. I want that baby. I prayed for that baby. Just as much as I do and did for my girls.
Last night my husband won an award in my mind. One that I tease him about not having. Last night he showed me compassion. He held me for a very long time and just let me cry. He rubbed my back and simply listened to my sobbing. Thanks Adam for that. It was what I needed. I am sure I will probably need it again.
Kaylee asked me last night why I lost the baby. I am not sure. I asked Adam the same question in my blubbering.
But today. I cling to the promise that God heals the brokenhearted. A Facebook friend posted Psalm 147:3 this morning on his status. It says, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
Baby 3
Maternity clothes. Pregnant women. Baby clothes.
All reminders of what I won't have on August 16, 2013.
Sadness overwhelms my spirit.
Even when I am enjoying myself.
A part of me is missing.
My baby.
Baby 3.
All reminders of what I won't have on August 16, 2013.
Sadness overwhelms my spirit.
Even when I am enjoying myself.
A part of me is missing.
My baby.
Baby 3.
A Week
A week ago I today I found out that I lost our 3rd baby.
It has been the hardest week of my life.
I think the most difficult part for me is how fresh and raw the pain is to me and not to anyone else. The baby was a part of me.
The pain and crying comes through out the day. During times when I least expect it. A simple word. A small thought. Little things that remind me of my loss.
I was so anxious to tell my family and my excitement for Christmas Eve and Christmas made the holidays themselves really difficult. (Sorry again for being cranky.)
It has helped to be with family, away from home. Lots of distractions and other people to keep me occupied and busy.
As our vacation comes to an end, I find myself getting nervous about the amount of time that I will be spending alone once we are home. At some point I will have to quit avoiding the pain and face it head on. And simply grieve.
Writing helps me process. And remember. So as I go through this, please bear with me.
It has been the hardest week of my life.
I think the most difficult part for me is how fresh and raw the pain is to me and not to anyone else. The baby was a part of me.
The pain and crying comes through out the day. During times when I least expect it. A simple word. A small thought. Little things that remind me of my loss.
I was so anxious to tell my family and my excitement for Christmas Eve and Christmas made the holidays themselves really difficult. (Sorry again for being cranky.)
It has helped to be with family, away from home. Lots of distractions and other people to keep me occupied and busy.
As our vacation comes to an end, I find myself getting nervous about the amount of time that I will be spending alone once we are home. At some point I will have to quit avoiding the pain and face it head on. And simply grieve.
Writing helps me process. And remember. So as I go through this, please bear with me.
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