Adam was teasing me the other day about my need to make birthdays a big deal. Today as I was making Elanor's birthday invitations that conversation played over in my head.
I'm sure some of my desire comes from the fact that my birthday comes right after Christmas. I like to pick on my parents about all of my birthday cards being belated ones. My birthday was/is hard to remember. I mean we did just celebrate Jesus so I totally get it. He definitely deserves the bigger bash.
But I think the bigger deal for me is the reality that life is short. People don't live forever here. During the ho hum day-to-day it is easy to take the people around you for granted. Holidays like Valentine's Day and Father's Day remind us to remember that we care for the people in our lives. Sure Adam tells me he loves me. But on Valentine's Day and our anniversary, he has to really think about it. Why does he love me? What does he love about me? And then he tells me.
This is why birthdays are extra special to me. As Ella is about to turn 5, I truly think on the things that make her unique and all of the reasons I love her. And so we celebrate. We will have family and a few friends over. We will eat cake and ice cream. She will feel loved and cared about. Truly celebrated on her birthday.
And for me, well, I will remember. And be grateful for another year under my parenting belt.
2015 was a mostly focused year. Moving was not a part of the original plan when the year began and so it was difficult to pack and move and keep up with my resolutions as a whole. As I look ahead to 2016, I am ready to jump back in with fresh hope that I can persevere.
After reading my resolutions from last year, there aren't really any that I want to change. I think I would like to be healthier both spiritually and physically and simpl continue to work towards those.
This fall, I enjoyed the Bible Study I was in by Linda Dillow. It was such a good study and challenged me beyond any other study that I have done. It was so practical and helpful. I hope that I can experience this kind of personal growth again this year.
Health wise, I would love to run at least 3 5k's. They are good goals to keep me focused. I would also like to figure out how to mix in the 21 day fix exercises so that I can also gain muscle in the process.
As 2016 approaches, what are some of your goals for the year?
These last couple of months have been super crazy. It started around the time the buyer's of our home wanted to move the closing date up by a week. That was the same day that I found out my momma's cancer was back. The very next weekend was when the head gasket on our 15 year old van decided to go. When I was co-leading our women's retreat. The weekend after the retreat we moved. A week after we moved in, our heat went out in our (new to us) house and the HSA couldn't get someone out for a couple of days. The next week we replaced our van. And then our heat went out again this past weekend.
I tell you all of that, not to say "woe is me." Or to have you feel sorry for me. I tell you all of that to give glory to God for the amazing body of believers that He has given us to walk through carry us through the craziness.
When the buyer's moved our closing date up, 3 of my friends came over and helped pack us up. They got more packed that night than I could have done in a week by myself.
When my momma called with her news, one of my friends called me immediately to check-in to see how I was doing and stayed on the phone with me while I blubbered through the news. What a patient friend. This friend called and checked on me multiple days following that one. My husband left work early to come hold me even when I didn't ask him to. He sat there next to me while I sat in shock avoiding the subject. And later when the emotion overflowed, he held me and let me soak his shirt with my tears. What a man! Other friends have been great at texting, praying, and asking me how things are going. Not minding that my answer isn't "fine." One friend gave me a super cute pillow to hold whenever I need to just sit and cry. It totally matches my bedroom, too. A couple of other friends have hired a photographer to come take pictures of my family when we are all together for Christmas. What an amazing gift! Other family and friends have offered to buy plane tickets or offer points to fly so I can go be with my family. So overwhelmed by their generosity! When I couldn't be with my momma and daddy for the official news, my grandparents spent several days with them to keep them company while my dad waited. And they continue to be available to my parents when they need them.
When our head gasket blew on our van, we had family step in and offer us their cars until we could research and find a new one after we moved. Totally saw God's hand in this provision.
When I was at the women's retreat, friends showered me with some yummy treats and also with fun memories. What a great time to get away and shift my focus back on Jesus. When I got home, I was able to enjoy a date with my husband because family had taken the girls for the day.
When we moved, family watched our girls the whole weekend so that we could move without them underfoot. We had lots of friends come and help us move. Some came even if they were only available for a short bit. And others stayed for the whole day. All of the friends that helped also have families that were spending the day without them. What amazing friends to give up their family time as well as their Saturday to help us. Also, the weekend we moved was a gorgeous weekend. Hoodie weather. (The weekend we were to originally move on ended up being snowy, rainy, and icy all day long. Thanks Lord!) Several friends provided dinner during this week leading up to the move which was wonderful because I was able to have the kitchen packed up. Another friend came and helped me clean the night before the move. And a few friends helped take a few loads over that night before. One family member came and cleaned my new house for several hours on two separate occasions! It was a huge help!
When our heat went out, friends offered their heater to us if we wanted it. Family gave us fire wood for our fire place.
When we went to get our van, family watched the older two girls, making our test-drive much easier.
I am so very thankful to be a part of a community that picks us up when we are absolutely defeated and have nothing left to give. These last few years, God has definitely made it so clear to Adam and I that we need this community that we find in Him. His love overflows from His people.
A few weeks ago, my momma called to tell me that her cancer had returned. Maybe it wasn't that long ago. But it feels that long.
Her breast cancer has returned in her liver, her lungs, and her lymph nodes. Metastatic breast cancer. Now there is something you don't want to google.
Words simply cannot express my heartache.
My heart aches for my momma. Who is in a lot of pain. And is about to face one the toughest monsters on earth and try to beat it for the rest of her life. (No pressure or anything, mom, but I am rooting for that whole 32 years thing that you were saying about that one lady.)
My heart aches for my daddy. Who will stand by and hold my momma's hand as she faces the monster. Knowing that his days with the love of his life are numbered.
My heart aches for my girls. Who will only get a limited amount of time knowing their awesome nana.
My heart aches for me. Because, really, who am I going to call when I need paint colors? Or to give me advice? Or to just call and talk to about how we both hate talking on the phone?
The reality is that God could heal my mom. He is the only one who could.
But even if He chooses not to. I praise Him. Because I know that my momma still has some time. Not enough. But time nonetheless. And I am so thankful for that.
Guys, my mom is pretty great. Growing up, she would jump on beds with us and make us laugh like no other. Even hide to scare me so that I would stop scaring my brother. (I may or may not have been 17 at this point.What can I say? I still love scaring Michael.) She cooks some of the world's best food. (I mean I am seriously bummed that I didn't get any of her pie today!) She taught me the most important parts of being a mom and a wife. (Especially balancing family life while keeping the house clean.) And how to be a really good friend. (Relationships require give and take.) And I would not be who I am today if it were not for her.
Last night Charlotte couldn't sleep because she was super congested. I went in her room about 4 times over an hour before deciding to hold her on my chest in the recliner and let her sleep on me.
I hardly got any sleep. But at around 7 she woke up and we moved to the couch. She laid next to me with her chubby fingers and kept stroking my cheek and playing with my hair.
She's two.
I am not sure how many more times she will do this. Or how many more times she will sleep on my chest.
So I cherish these things in my heart. No sleep and all.
Recently Adam and I shared our stories with our church family. Adam posted our "script" over on his blog if you missed it and want to check it out. For the life of me, I could not decide whether I wanted to share about my miscarriage or not. It felt too raw. Even up until the morning of, I was trying to decide. I had written out what I was going to say. It didn't feel like enough. But in light of what we were talking about, it didn't seem right to add more.
So, maybe this is a better place to put down what I wish I could have said. What I wish could have been summed up in that tiny paragraph.
This past year has been a complete turn around for me.
I wrote a couple of very raw posts that never saw the light on facebook. I only made myself vulnerable to those that are my true followers. (Shout out to the 7 of you that I know are reading.) You can find those by searching by the "miscarriage" label if you are super curious. But the point of this post isn't about where I was as much as where I am now and the process that I went through to get here.
During the last 2 (almost 3! Wow!) years, I questioned everything I had ever been taught about God. Even His existence. I consider this my darkest time. My most alone time. I wanted very much for God to rescue me and make it all better. I didn't want to grieve. I didn't want to think about it. But that never happened. I was forced to face the fact that my baby was not going to have a breath here on earth and that God was the One that allowed this to happen. I had no desire to seek God out.
So He sought me. And He used you to do it.
It started right away.
I had a friend drop of a special gift and literally hug and cry with me. My birthday was 2 weeks after I lost the baby and several of my closest friends took time off to go away with me to celebrate. One friend brought me meals for my freezer and gave me books that helped her through her time of loss. (Seriously yall, I did not want to get up some days. Those meals were great!) Several friends were willing to let me talk through the most painful times and not once did they try to offer advice or pretend to know what I was going through. Several of you shared your stories with me to encourage me and let me know that I am not alone. One friend sent me a sweet ribbon in memory of my baby. Others have sent cards, texts, and emails to let me know that they haven't forgotten about my sweet baby.
During this time, I had a very special conversation that I really consider the place that my heart started to let down the wall I had put up with God. I had asked someone special to me how to move forward. I felt so stuck. I wanted to cry and miss my baby, but I also wanted to have joy because of the new life that I was carrying at the time. And was it ok that I wanted to do both? And in the mean time, did God really love me? Me. Specifically. And how. I wanted to feel His love in a tangible way. At the time, I listened and gleaned the wisdom imparted to me. All while sobbing through my sandwich. (This whole conversation took place at lunch at a homeschool convention.) As I look back, I have no doubt that even that conversation was God telling me that He loved me which is ironic since that was one of the things I was asking about.
Another friend shared with me how she realized that her children are simply on loan to her from God. That He knows how much time that they have on this earth and while she doesn't know how long that is, she surrenders her children to Him. What an amazing testimony?!
One other way God spoke to me was through music. One of my closest friends had said to me that she thought music was going to bring me healing. I laughed at her at the time. But after that it seemed like I kept finding songs that held how I felt. Here are a few of the ones that helped me through that time.
The first one was Give Me Faith. I shared about that one here.
Shortly after that I found these two songs by Plumb. I Need You Now and I Want You Here.
Draw me Nearer by Meredith Andrews
My favorite one of all of them is What I Know by Tricia because I found it when I really had no doubt that if I hung on to what I know then I would one day feel His presence again.
God used you guys to draw me back to Him! I thank Him for all of you!
Today I was in a Bible study where I was reminded of how God wants a relationship with me. He desires a deep intimate relationship with me. And when I sat there and thought about how I wanted that with Him, I realized that my heart had changed. I'm not sure specifically when my heart changed. I definitely see times that I was trying to change. But today I know my heart is in a good place. I no longer feel angry or bitter. Or wounded. But at peace.
That's not to say I don't grieve my baby. My baby would have turned 2 in August. It makes me sad to think about missed days. Missed firsts. Missed lasts. Boo-boos to kiss. Fingers to count.
It is to say, though, that God has walked me through the dark valley and I am finally once again walking where I feel Him walking with me and know that He does love me and care for me. And I don't think I would be in this place if it wasn't for all of you. Thank you.
Have you ever lived in a house that just truly felt like home?
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I have lived in a lot of places. 25 to be exact. And that only counts 1 of my many dorm rooms.
Most of the time I would agree that "home is where the heart is", but in my current house I would have to say, "home is where the heart is and also where I reside".
I love my house. And let me tell you why.
And while we are at it... let me give you the tour.
When you enter my house you are welcomed by a big open space. I wasn't thrilled with the stairs being the first thing you see when you walk inside, but after living here for 2 years, I love that it is just wide open.
The dining room is also right at the entrance. It's large and holds our huge table and there is also space for my dish cabinet for my dishes from my Mema and Pepa.
One of my favorite "areas" of the house is my kitchen and living room area. Everything about this area makes me want to sit down with some coffee and a book. Maybe even get a fire going. This is the space that I put a lot of time into decorating and choosing colors. My kitchen is amazing to cook and bake in because of the counter space. There is plenty of space for me to spread out and if the girls want to help, it is not too crowded. It will be the most difficult space for me to leave.
Our old house was really nice for the time we were there, but one of the things I hated about it was how loud it was when the girls were playing. Now they have their own space upstairs and so even though I don't use that space for myself, I love every inch of it.
My favorite space in the whole house, besides the living area, is my master suite. My room is way too big for just a bedroom so it is also my work-out room and my craft room. And my bathroom has the best acoustics. I have my own sink which may seem silly to some people, but I love having my own sink. And my closet. Ya'll my closet is amazing. Yes. My master suite is my hideaway.
While the basement is not my favorite space in the house, I have used it on occasion. Adam would live down there if I would let him since it is his space. It's a nice area, I just prefer my living room.
As we embark on the next chapter of our lives, I hope that I can love my next house as much as I love this one. And that whoever buys my house, loves it as much as I have.
