Lack of Faith

This is going to be a brutally honest post. I am not sure if I will post it or not. More depth than I usually allow myself to share.

Nonetheless. I feel like I should write.

These last few months I have found myself questioning things that I never thought I would question.

My own faith in God.

For a few weeks I wrestled with the question of whether or not God is even real. Coming to terms with the fact that in no way is this even a true question for me. God is real. Questioning His existence makes no logical sense to me. Especially when I sit out on a boat in the middle of the lake and see the beauty all around me. Or watch the sunset over the tree line in a magnificent arrangement of colors. Or hold my girls and listen to their giggles. When I hear my sweet Charlotte's heartbeat. All of these things point to God.

So what am I really deep down struggling with... I guess it is more like I feel like God doesn't care about me. He doesn't care about my hurts and my struggles. He is silent when I need Him most. I am hanging from my last thread, calling out. Crying from my depths for Him to hear me.

I have poured out my heart on others' behalf, hoping that He would hear and respond. Give me a sign that I matter. That my own prayers matter.

It reminds me of this song by Barlow Girl called "I Believe in Love".

"I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe"

I want to say that I can continue with the next verse and mean every word.

"Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night"

But I am not there yet.

I am a mess. Stung by life. Not able to handle more.

The Necklace

Sadly, our society would say that what I lost was not really a baby.

I am sorry, but society, you are wrong.

That was my baby.

One that would have unique DNA composed from Adam and my genes. Most likely looking more like Adam because let's face it, both of my girls look like their handsome Daddy.

If I were to guess, I would say another blond haired blue eyed girl. Adam kept telling me he thought it was a girl. And while I hoped it was a boy, deep down I think it was a girl too. Maybe she would have been my little athlete. Getting all of her Daddy's mad skills at sports. She definitely would have been tall like her sisters. They have both been in the 90's on the percentile charts in height since they were born. I have no doubt she would have been the same.

These last couple of weeks I have not blogged much about the baby, but it is not that I haven't thought about him or her. I am just truly trying to work through my grief and sometimes I would rather not talk about it.

Some days are really hard. I just want to curl up and ignore the world. Not easy to do with my 3 year old and 1 year old, but nevertheless that is what I want to do. Some days I find it so easy to praise the Lord for the blessing of knowing the baby if just for a moment.

Praise vs anger. Hope vs grief.

These are my daily battles.

I started this post simply to tell you that I love my necklace that I got to help me remember the baby. (I got a little sidetracked. I know.) It  has helped me to remember that I was pregnant. With a beautiful little baby. That God loves.

And some days, that is all I need to get me through the day.

(There are several websites that offer jewelry for infant loss. My necklace is from LaBelleDame.com and each letter on my necklace is individually stamped by hand.)

"Good" Guy vs. "Good Guy"

Lately I have been thinking about the difference between what the world considers a good guy and what I consider a good guy. And I think it has everything to do with where you put the emphasis.

A good guy by the world's standards is someone that has a good heart. Maybe he is sensitive to the needs of others. He listens and gives good advice. He genuinely cares about others. He is a "good" guy.

A good guy by my standard is actually also by God's standard. He is someone that leads me in my walk with God. He challenges me to be a better person not only in the way I live, but also in the condition of my heart. A man who is worthy of respect. He saves his body for me. He has his own personal relationship with the living God and follows Him daily with his own life. He is a "good guy".

As my girls start to grow and develop, I want to help them understand that there is such a huge difference. The man I desire for their life is a "good guy" and they may stumble upon "good" guys that seem worthy of their attention. But I pray that they will be able to discern the difference for themselves and look for a Godly man to love and cherish them. That they see their Daddy and want a man just like him. And they see our marriage as one that they hope to some day have their marriage reflect.

I am so grateful I have a "good guy".

Top 10 Board Games

Adam keeps harassing me about writing this blog. Apparently he asked me to write quite a while ago and I agreed to do it, but until now have put it off. (If you would like to know more about any of these games just search for them here.) So, my Love, here is my list.

TOP 10 BOARD GAMES

10. 7 Wonders - This game can be played with 7 players and it does not change the length of the game whatsoever because you all play at the same time. I enjoy it because it takes some thinking, but it is not a brain burner so it doesn't have a ton of waiting on other players. And I probably like it more because I beat a table full of guys in the demo hall at GenCon the first time I played it. :)

9. Traders of Carthage - This game is 2-4 players, but I prefer it 2 player. There is more control in a 2 player game and that makes the game have more strategy. It is not a long game and it does not take up a lot of room so this is usually a date night at Starbucks game. This game is enjoyable because Adam and I can have conversation and still play a strategic game.

8. Macao - Macao is also 2-4 players. Adam and I usually play it 2 player, but I really don't have a preference for how many play. Everyone has a ship's wheel numbered 1-6 that you rotate each turn that points to the number of cubes you get that turn. That mechanic is what makes this game different than other games we play and is why I like this game.

7. Endeavor - It is funny to me that I like Endeavor as much as I do. I hate conflict so if a game offers a war element, I am not usually on board to play. This game has that element and yet I really like it. This game plays 3-5 players. I think I like it best with 4 simply because most shipping lanes open up. My favorite thing about Endeavor is that it is a fairly simple game with minimal rules, but is super strategic and can be won in a variety of ways. There are not a lot of games that I don't mind teaching and this is one of them.

6. The Castles of Burgundy - I was torn between this and Endeavor, but since this can be played 2 player it beat Endeavor for 6th place. Personally I like this game because I like that I have my own player board that I get to build on. I prefer to play this 2 player because it can be a pretty long game with more players.

5. Puerto Rico - This game is awesome. It is 2-5 players. With my own player board, I get to build again. There is shipping and trading and city building and prospecting. I think what I like most about this game is how pretty it is. Even before we bought the anniversary copy, I have always thought this game had nice bits. Not to mention that this was one of the first games we bought as a married couple. We played it a ton with our neighbors and friends Derrick and Renee. So, this game is extra special because it has been with us for most of our gaming life.

4. Avalon - Best party game in my opinion. 5-10 players. Much like Mafia with the suspense and intensity, but nobody dies so everyone gets to play the entire game. I like this game because even my Mom likes it, meaning that people that don't usually play games would most likely enjoy this one. It is best to play with people you know or at least very outgoing people.

3. Le Havre - This plays 1-5 players. I like this game because I feel like it never plays the same way twice. The buildings come out in different ways every time so you are forced to switch strategy based on there order. It is a longer game, but it feels like it goes really fast.

2. Galaxy Trucker - Unlike all of the other games, this game is very chaotic. It is in real time. Building a space ship as fast as you can, but as pretty as possible hoping it helps you last through the round. After all ships are built, you face a bunch of pirates and meteors while collecting goods. You do this 3 times. Each time your ship gets bigger. I like this game because the most strategic part of it is simply in building your ship as that is the only part in your control. It is very fast paced.





1. Agricola - This game is my favorite, but I am terrible at it. I enjoy it because no matter how badly I play, my farm still looks so nice by the end. As you can tell from above, I enjoy games where I get to build on my own player board. This one has AMAZING bits. We have the farmer meeples and the animeeples as well, making playing even more fun.








There you have it. I like games where I can build and that look pretty. That about sums it up.

Follow-Up Appt

Yesterday was a hard day. I had my follow-up appointment for my miscarriage. Since I talk very openly about the whole ordeal with my friends, I did not expect it to cause such turmoil the way it did.

My Dr kept asking me questions about how I am feeling and doing.

The appointment ended with me crying in the van on the way to pick up the girls.

When we got home there was a package by the front door. My necklace.

All in all, I thought a lot about the baby yesterday. And myself and where I am at with my grief.

Have you heard the song "Just Have to Wait" by Steven Curtis Chapman?

My friend bought me the CD (prior to my miscarriage) for Christmas and so the song itself is new to me. Basically it is a song about his daughter and having to wait to dance with her and see her smile again someday in Heaven.

So I just have to wait.
To see if my baby was a boy or girl.
To see which of us the baby looks like more.
To see the girls' response to their new sibling.
To hold my baby.
To tell my baby I love you.

I just have to wait.

And for that, I am thankful. Because if I didn't have my hope in Christ, I would not be seeing my baby someday. And I am not sure I could survive the grief without that hope.

Thank you Jesus. For all You did for me and still do in my life. I am lost without You.

The Big 3-0!

Last Tuesday I turned 30. I know, I know, I am getting old.

So you, being younger than me, may wonder to yourself what 30 year olds do with themselves.

Well, they spend a weekend with their best gal pals shopping and going to the spa.

At least that is what I did this past weekend.

And it was so amazing. And I was able to do it with some of the best company the world has to offer. My friends Annie, Janna, Kelly, Meggan, and my Mom joined me for the event.

Meggan, Annie, My Mom, Me, Kelly, and Janna

Friday we drove up to my parent's house to spend the weekend. One giant slumber party without husbands or children. My Mom had dinner for us when we arrived. After dinner we ran to Target for a short bit, came back to watch a movie, and then some of us went to bed. Meggan and I may have stayed up until 2 something chatting, but I cannot tell you the last time we got to spend time together without our children interrupting so it was worth the sleepiness I felt the next day.

(See my tired face)

Saturday was spa/shopping day. All of us had our own little schedule. Since my appointment didn't start right when we arrived, I enjoyed soaking my feet in the hot tub before my actual foot soak which was first on my agenda. The foot soak was pretty nice. Annie suggested getting a bright fun color so I went with a really bright blue since it is my favorite color and all. After my foot soak was my facial. This was my favorite part of the whole experience. It was so relaxing. Especially when she massaged my face and my scalp. All while I am laying down on a heated bed under the warmest blankets ever. I would definitely do this again. The last part of my schedule was my massage. It was super nice and my therapist did such a great job, but I was so knotted up that it was also somewhat painful. I asked her to massage firmly so I was not disappointed, it was just not near as relaxing for me as the facial was. After that, I went back to the hot tub to relax a bit more while the other girls finished up their appointments.

Saturday evening consisted of shopping and then dinner at TGIFridays. Here are some of the crazy things that they had me try on.

Sunday we went to church with my parents to hear my Dad preach, had some lunch, said my difficult good-byes and headed home.

This was exactly the kind of weekend I have been needing for a while. It was so fun and I am so grateful to have friends who are willing to give up their time to do something like this with me. And so thankful for all of the spouses that took on the kids full time for the weekend. Know that you are all loved and appreciated. And to my awesome parents for hosting and feeding all of us. 

Today I Praise

People say some interesting things. I know they mean well, but they come across so horribly.

This time the offender was someone very close to me.

My brother.

Basically, he told me that I need to find something to praise God for through losing the baby. I know you are thinking he is right. And I agree. But the timing was wrong. And I am still so confused and lost in what to think of God right now that I was not ready for those words to be said to me.

But.

This last Sunday Pastor Tom spoke on the massacre that happened when Herod decided to kill all of the  boys under two when he learned that he had been tricked by the magi. Again I found myself hearing those words that Michael said.

Jesus gave His life so that we can have eternal life one day with Him.

 In that promise, I know I will see my baby someday.

And while my heart is still broken. My spirit crushed. I praise God.

I praise Him for my husband and the strong support he has been. He has shown me compassion and love in some very sacrificial ways.

I praise Him for Kaylee and Elanor. They are the little miracles that He has entrusted to me. They bring so much joy to my daily life.

I praise Him for all of you. You have been so encouraging and supportive.

I kept wanting God to make me "feel" better and instead He has used Adam, the girls, and all of you to bring my heart comfort.

Today I praise.

Miscarriage Resources

Miscarriages, unfortunately, are not really talked about.

So not only do I feel alone in my pain, I also have one of those awkward subjects that everyone avoids.

This made me curious as to what is out there for those of us that face pregnancy loss.

The first article that I found is from BabyCenter.com. This website is chalk full of resources for all things baby. I feel like the article was a great place to start. They give you links to connect with their groups as well as offer simple steps that can be taken to help.

Also from BabyCenter, I found a helpful article on how to talk to preschool children about the loss. I really appreciated that they mentioned telling your child that you will be sad for a while and that it is ok. Kaylee had just figured out that I was pregnant when we lost the baby and so she has had tons of questions. Some have been hard to answer. I like that this article gave some great tips on how to answer the tough questions.

This article had some things in it that I didn't agree with, but I liked that it expressed exactly how I have been feeling. Specifically, "The grief you're feeling is real — no matter how early in pregnancy you experienced the loss of a baby, you'll feel that loss deeply. Even if you never saw your baby, you knew that he or she was growing inside of you, and you formed a bond; however abstract the attachment, you felt it."

The next article gave specific tips on how to cope. I personally think they are good tips. At least the first two. One of my close friends actually had already suggested getting a piece of jewelry to help me grieve. She also suggested getting a Christmas ornament to honor the baby as well. I finally ordered my necklace this morning and I am so glad that I did. One of my fears is that I will forget this baby with time. The necklace has the birthstone of my baby's due date and the due date engraved on the back. On the front, it will say "Forever In My Heart". This way I have something to help me remember.

The best article from the husband's perspective that I have found is here. I connected with a lot of what he said and I loved his practical list on helping his wife grieve.

This is one blog that I found therapeutic to read through.

One of the reasons I decided to share about my miscarriage on my blog is in hopes that through my struggle with it, I can help someone else. Even if it is just to be able to read something that they can relate to. Because like I said in the beginning, it is a topic that is kept secret. And it helps knowing that others have endured the same heartache and that I am not alone.

Thank You

Last night I had a friend stop by for an unexpected visit.

She brought me a special gift to let me know that she cared. That she loved me. And that she was so sorry for my loss. She even cried with me when I opened it.

Kept Forever In the Heart

Isn't it beautiful?

I love it.

After she left, I was thinking about how many people have called, emailed, sent texts and Facebook messages, given me hugs, and have prayed for me during this time.

I am so incredibly blessed to have all of you.

Thank you so very much. 

Seriously.

Thank you.